Are you sure we are related?
by Em the elf
Summary: A beautiful girl falls into Middle-earth - heard it before? Except she is one of the most annoying people in the world. Oh and her sarcy older brother also decides to join her! Written by a brother and sister who got left without supervision. Complete
1. The Prologue

The Prologue   
  


A/N Hi welcome to "Are you sure we are related!? This crazed loony tune of a fic was written when our parents decided to leave us alone! Em the elf here writing her first fic in collaboration with her crazy, jobless, older brother Geo!

Geo: Hey everyone, please read this or Em will make me continue staring at this annoying Legolas picture!

Em: Legolas will never be annoying!

Geo: *ducks blow*

On with the story!!!

Reviews are welcome and flames will be used to make Legolas hot and sweaty! 

Disclaimer: I own nothing except George and myself. G: You don't own me! 

  
"Emily where's the cheesestrings? If you've eaten all of them again I will shove that book so far up your arse you'll be able to flick through the Council of Elrond scene with your teeth!"   
  
"Will you stop interrupting me I'm just about to find out what happens to Frodo with that spider Shelob." Emily glanced over to George hoping he would he would catch the evils she was sending him but instead saw him peering into the fridge.   
"Oh for God sake let me look" Emily dragged herself off the couch and wandered over to the fridge.

"Well move if you want me to help!" Emily kicked George in the shin causing him to fall headfirst, arse over tit, straight into the fridge.   
  
All of a sudden George disappeared as he plunged into the strawberry trifle.   
"What the hell! Where the f**k did he go?" Emily looked around and raised her eyebrows. 

"Well he's not getting all the fun," she picked up her powerpuff girls bag, turned towards the fridge and what would have been an impressive jump if it wasn't for the cheesestrings on the floor, dived into the fridge just a few moments after George had disappeared into the trifle.   
  
  



	2. Don't I know you from somewhere?

Chapter One - "Don't I know you from somewhere?"   
  


We decided to put up chappie one for you as well. Aren't we generous our payment should come in forms of used banknotes, if not possible reviews will do!

Geo: You're such a review whore!

Disclaimer: After some good bartering I now own Emily! *George smiles smugly as he watches Emily tidying his room* 

"Oww my arse I think my arse is broken.... Nope still there" George began rubbing his backside with one hand and wiping his eyes with the other. He peered up to see his sister, Emily hurtling towards him.   
  


"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Emily crash landed into George as he tried (but failed) to roll out of the way.   
  
"Well that landing could have been better," groaned Emily as she moved aside to she what she had landed on. "Ah George what are you doing there?"   
  
George mumbled something then pushed Emily out of the shrub and heard her go thud on a stone floor.   
  
After a few seconds of silence Emily finally said something, "Umm.... George you might want to come out here."   
  
"Will you quit bitching you have broken my backside, my arse is in about six pieces back here."   
  
"No I think you might want to see this!"   
  
"Oh for the love of Buffy what is it..! OK... me thinks we have fallen into wonderland and you are Alice and that would make me the rabbit!"   
  
"Umm George does this look strangely familiar to you or is just me that thinks we have just landed in the middle of Rivendell in the world of the Lord of the Rings?" Emily began to glance around at all the faces that were studying the two of them. "This would be the council of Elrond wouldn't it?"   
  
"Right that it's I'm gonna kill you, you have dragged me into one of your warped dreams, get here you little..." Yelled George. He began to chase Emily round the stone table, which the ring was placed on.   
  
"Stop!" Bellowed a voice from the right.   
  
Lord Elrond rose from his seat, "Who are you and what land do you represent? You dress strangely and speak with an accent never heard in these parts before."   
  
"Well that's rude! How would you like it if we said you dressed weirdly? I mean God some people today have no respect, just because you were agent Smith in the Matrix does not mean you can be all gittish."   
  
"Umm Em you are talking to a figment of your imagination, no offense to you Lord Elrond." Added George politely.   
  
"I can assure you I am no figment of her imagination, now answer my questions!" Bellowed Lord Elrond.   
  
"Well I am George, just George but you can call me God, and this is my blathering idiot of a sister Emily, you can call her dumbass. We are from earth and by a bizarre series of event we have ended up in your world. So if you will excuse us Lord Elrond we will just leave and try and find our way home. Come on Em stop staring at Legolas." George grabbed Emily's arm,   
  
"I was not staring and you ain't gonna get away with that dumbass comment."   
  
"Wait how did you know my name and the name of the Prince of Mirkwood?" Inquired Lord Elrond.   
  
"Oh well, there's this book called...."began George.   
  
"Wait, what George was going to say was that we can see into the future, we know all your names, well most of them anyway and we know the fate of the ring." Smirked Emily.   
  
"What are you doing?" Whispered George.   
  
"Duh, why would we want to go home, we're in middle-earth, think of all the fun there is to be had."   
  
"Oh well in that case, yeah we can see into the future!" Shouted George.   
  
"Then I ask for you two to stay and attend this council for you seem very wise," beckoned Lord Elrond.   
  
"Did he just say you were wise?" Laughed George pointing at Emily.   
  
"Shut-up!"   
  
"Strangers from distant lands" Lord Elrond glanced over at Emily and George who are seated to the right of Frodo, he then continued, "friends of old you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor."   
  
"Why does he always say the word Mordor as if he has just had his jaw dislocated?" Whispered Emily. George began to laugh but soon stopped as he caught the look he was getting from Boromir.   
  
Lord Elrond began to speak again "Middle-earth stands on the brink of destruction, none can escape it, you will unite or you will fall."   
  
"Ouch! Holy cow what are these chairs made from? Serious butt cramp happening over here!" Everyone turned to see George jumping up and down again rubbing his backside.   
  
"Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom." Lord Elrond tried to ignore the yelps and giggles coming from George and Emily.   
  
"So it is true," began Boromir as he stroked his beard. "In a dream I saw the eastern sky go dark, but in the west a pale light lingered, a voice was crying doom is near at hand."   
  
"Way to lighten the mood Boz," sniggered George who had got over his butt cramp.   
  
"Isildur's bane is found, Isildur's bane..." Whispered Boromir as he reached for the Ring.   
  
"Here we go!" Sighed Emily.   
  
Gandalf leapt up and began to spout out Black Speech, the sky grew dark and the elves began to cringe.   
  
"Can I go hug Legolas he looks in pain?" Whimpered Emily.   
  
"No you can't, hey is it me or does this sound like a Slipknot song?" George began imitating the Black Speech as he started to head bang. Emily who was not impressed quickly pulled him back into his chair.   
  
"Never before has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here in Imladris." Growled Lord Elrond.   
  
"I do not ask for your pardon Master Elrond, for the Black speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the west, the Ring is altogether evil!" Retorted Gandalf.   
  
Boromir began to rise.   
  
"Here we go again!" Muttered George.   
  
"It is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor, why not use this ring?" Boromir carried on but seemed to be losing all interest from the surrounding council. They were all staring at Emily who was lip-synching every word that Boromir uttered.   
  
"By the blood of our people...yeah yeah yeah, heard it all before now will you just sit down and get it into your head that you cannot wield the one Ring OK?" Emily was screaming by the time she had finished her sentence.   
  
"You forgot your medication didn't you?" Added George at the most inconvenient time.   
  
"The One Ring answers to Sauron alone, it has no other master" Aragorn wasn't going to let Emily steal that line.   
  
"And what would a ranger know of this matter?" Smirked Boromir.   
  
"Oooh Legolas' line is coming now," squeaked Emily   
  
"I'm going to throw up," muttered George under his breath.   
  
"This is no mere ranger!" Legolas cried   
  
"Don't you love it when he gets all forceful?" Sighed Emily   
  
George raised his eyebrows and began to mimic throwing up much to the surprise of Frodo who trying not to pay attention to the two teenagers.   
  
"He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, you owe him your allegiance." Continued Legolas.   
  
"Aragorn! This is Isildur's heir!" Remarked Boromir.   
  
"And heir to the thrown Gondor," added Legolas.   
  
"Yeah you tell him Legolas!" Shouted George who soon returned to his chair after another strange look from Boromir.   
  
"Havo dad, Legolas," spoke Aragorn quietly.   
  
"That means sit down," remarked Emily   
  
"No shit Einstein!"   
  
"Gondor has no King, Gondor needs no King," boasted Boromir as he returned to his seat.   
  
"That's what you think," added Emily helpfully.   
  
"Aragorn is right, we cannot use it." Gandalf began to stir in his seat.   
  
"Hey Em do you reckon Gandalf's got butt cramp now?" Asked George seriously.   
  
"Somehow I think not." Emily was now slightly worried about George and his obsession with butts.   
  
"You have but one choice, the ring must be destroyed," demanded Lord Elrond.   
  
" What are we waiting for?" Gimli rose with his axe.   
  
"Well this should be funny," giggled Emily, "Dwarves make me crack up!"   
  
Legolas who had heard this comment broke his icy gaze and began to smirk.   
  
Gimli brought down his axe on the Ring, which sent him flying backward, and shattered his beloved axe.   
  
"Nice one poindextor!" Grinned George.   
  
"What I think George was trying to say was that, the Ring cannot be destroyed Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here possess, the Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom..." Lord Elrond was interrupted.   
  
"Mount Doom well that sounds fun, I mean the name just gives it that edge of 'oh come and play here' don't you think?" George had gotten a little over excited.   
  
Lord Elrond knitted his brow in confusion and carried on, "only there can it be unmade, it must be taken deep into Mordor..."   
  
Emily placed her hand over her mouth hoping not to laugh at the way he said Mordor.   
  
"...And cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came, one of you must do this." Lord Elrond looked round expectantly.   
  
"Any volunteers?" Added George.   
  
"One does not simply walk into Mordor, it's black gates are guarded by more than just Orcs, there is evil there that does not sleep, the great eye is ever watchful, it is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume." Stated the ever-optimistic Boromir.   
  
"Sounds a bit like your room don't it George?"   
  
George pinched Emily's forearm until it went purple.   
  
"Not with ten thousand men could you do this, it is folly!" Finished Boromir.   
  
Legolas rose sharply, "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond just said? The ring must be destroyed!"   
  
"If you say one word about how manly he looks I will shove this chair so far   
up your arse that you will be able to sit down using your face." Yelled George, who had sensed the sudden urge for Emily to start swooning over the elf prince.   
  
"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?!" Snarled Gimli.   
  
"I sense a fight do you reckon they know how to bundle in Middle-earth?" Asked George.   
  
"I fear the answer to your question is no, now hush your mouth, Legolas looks cute when he's angry." Replied Emily.   
  
"And if we fail, what then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?" Boromir began to growl.   
  
"I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf, never trust an elf!" Shouted Gimli.   
  
"Big mistake!" Chuckled George as all the elves rose and warfare broke out at the council.   
  
Gandalf began to rant on and Frodo looked a bit schizophrenic. "Um… Frodo it's your line now," whispered Emily as she nudged him with her elbow.   
  
Frodo rose and above the noise his small voice cried out, "I will take it," which was followed by; 

"About bloody time!" From George who was seriously fed up with the seating.   
  
"I will take the ring to Mordor, though I do not know the way," said Frodo.   
  
"Hey Frodo I have a map in my bag, here it is, well have fun, off you go then!" Smirked Emily.   
  
"You are going to change the story, give me that map," snapped George.   
  
"On second thoughts why not let Gandalf go with you?" Said Emily quickly shutting up.   
  
"I will help you bare this burden Frodo Baggins for as long as it is yours to bare." Said Gandalf much to the relief of Emily.   
  
"If by my life or death I can protect you I will, you have my sword." Pronounced Aragorn who was quickly followed by Legolas with, "And you have my bow." Legolas joined Aragorn and Gandalf by Frodo's side but the look on his face changed dramatically when Gimli stepped forward. "And my axe!"   
  
All of a sudden the two teenagers collapsed on the floor in fits of laughter. "Did you see his face?!" 

"The elf's got to put up with that dwarf for the whole journey!" The laughter subsided when Boromir began to speak but he was soon interrupted.   
"Yeah whatever you're going too and so is Sam who is hiding behind that shrub and Merry and Pippin who are behind those columns." Said an extremely bored George. The pre-mentioned hobbits joined the others and Lord Elrond began to speak again.   
  
"Nine companions..." He paused   
  
"Have you forgotten your lines?" Inquired Emily.   
  
"I want you and your brother to go with them."   
  
"Uh Uh No way am I trailing though snow and over mountains just so some really tacky ring gets thrown into a hole." Yelled George.   
  
"I agree, I think we should stay here!" Added Emily.   
  
"You would be of great use to us Lady Emily and Master George," spoke the quiet voice of Legolas.   
  
"We're going George!" Said Emily quickly changing her mind.   
  
"What! No! Just because some pretty elf boy flutters his eyelids you change your mind!

"Pleeeeeeaaaasssssssssseeeeeeeeeeee!" Begged Emily.

"Oh go on then but I want some decent weapons none of that poxy dagger   
stuff the hobbits get lumbered with." Moaned George.   
  
"Eleven companions..."   
  
"Em doesn't count she's got no brain," butted in George.   
  
"Eleven companions, so be it, you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."   
Announced Lord Elrond finally.   
  
"That was a bit over dramatic and before you say it we are going to Mordor   
Pippin!" Said George and Emily in unison. 

  



	3. A wasted Journey

Hey people! 

Thank you to Kerla for being our first reviewer.

Chapter Two -A wasted Journey   
  
"The Ring bearer is setting out on a quest for Mount Doom, you who travel with him no oath nor bond is laid out for you to go further than you will." Began Lord Elrond.   
  
"Hang we only just finished the Council of Elrond scene!" Interrupted George.   
  
"That's the power of the movies, look see those prop men moving scenery over there," replied Emily.   
  
"Oh right!" Said George, "Keep up the good work!"   
  
Lord Elrond continued, "Farewell, hold to your purpose, may the blessings of Elves." (close up of Legolas).   
  
"Aren't the lighting guys working magic?" Sighed Emily   
  
"Yeah I mean imagine what Gandalf would look like without the right lighting," added George.   
  
"Please don't put that image in my mind, that Lembas has already upset my stomach." Gulped Emily.   
  
"If you are quite finished," growled Lord Elrond, "May the blessings of Elves and men and all free folk go with you"   
  
"Are free folks the Middle-earth equivalent of swingers?" Asked George.   
  
"It doesn't mean they swing, it's just that they can't find permanent partners I mean look at Gimli, he's vertically challenged, his beard contains more than just dried food, he grunts instead of speaks and well the list goes on and on and on and on."   
  
"Yeah I get the picture Em!"   
  
"The Fellowship awaits the Ring bearer," announced Gandalf.   
  
"Mordor Gandalf, is it left or right?" Whispered Frodo   
  
"Right!" Laughed George   
  
"Ignore him, it is to the left," replied Gandalf.   
  
The Fellowship set off for Mount Doom plus two eccentric teenagers, a melee of panoramic views follow leading to a manly scene of the Fellowship passing in between two boulders.   
  
"Em try and look more manly, puff your chest out and frown!" Whispered George.   
  
"If I puff my chest out anymore I'll explode!" Snapped Emily.   
  
The Fellowship settled on a hillside, Boromir tries to teach Merry and Pippin to sword fight.   
  
"We must hold this course west to the Misty Mountains for forty days, if our luck holds the Gap of Rohan will be open to us." Stated Gandalf.   
  
"Gandalf, George and I have a few questions," began Emily as herself and   
George sat either side of the wizard.   
  
"Are the Misty Mountains really misty or just a bit muggy, is Mirkwood   
murky, is Rivendell really in a dell coz it seems a bit too big to fit in a   
dell, why does Rohan have a gap in it and why are you the only one who can't   
pronounce Cahadras probably?"   
  
"Oh look a rock," answered Gandalf, as he quickly moved away.   
  
"Do you get the feeling that no one likes us?" Asked Emily.   
  
"Nope that's just you they don't like!"   
  
"Hey look, Crebain from Dunland!" Called Emily, seeing the dark cloud approaching.   
  
"What is that?" Asked Sam   
  
"I just said, it's Crebain from Dunland!" Shouted Emily   
  
"Nothing it's just a whiff of cloud," replied Gimli   
  
"No it's Crebain, Is anyone listening to me?!" Screeched Emily   
  
"It's moving fast, against the wind!" Added Boromir   
  
"Hello people you might want to hide!" Yelled George.   
  
"Don't bother they're not listening, come on I've found us some rocks to hide behind." Called Emily.   
  
"Crebain from Dunland!" Shouted Legolas.   
  
"Nah you don't say!" Came a loud voice from behind a rock.   
  
"Hide!" Bellowed Aragorn.   
  
"Bout bloody time to!" Came another voice from behind a different rock.   
  
Aragorn jumps behind the same rock as George.   
  
"Jesus Christ! They won't need to see us to know we're here, I mean Lord Almighty have you never heard of Odor Eaters?!" Cried George.   
  
"Odor Eaters?" Whispered Aragorn.   
  
"Never mind!"   
  
The Fellowship crawled out from behind their rocks as the Crebain from Dunland left.   
  
"Spies of Saruman, the passage South is being watched, we must take the pass of Cahadras!" Exclaimed Gandalf.   
  
"Before we go I think you lot owe us an apology!" Stated Emily.   
  
"Why?" Asked Boromir   
  
"I said they were Crebain from Dunland and did you listen? No I think not!" Emily answered.   
  
"They are right," began Legolas, "We do owe them an apology, Lady Emily, Master George, we are sorry"   
  
"I think I'm going to faint!" Sighed Emily.   
  
"OK Em, a little too much excitement for you for one day, Legolas try and warn her before you speak," said George catching the over worked up Emily.   
  
"Would you like me to carry her?" Asked a very concerned Legolas.   
  
"No she'll be fine, just gimme some water"   
  
The Fellowship looked on as George threw the water over Emily's face.   
  
"Hey! I was dreaming about having a pillow fight with Legolas and OK I'm going to shut up now while I still have some dignity left," cringed Emily as she dragged herself back up onto her feet.   
  
****   
"Three, Two, One…"   
  
Frodo trips and falls flat on his face in the snow.   
  
"See, complete and utter idiot," laughed George.   
  
"Hang on, don't Boromir get his grubby little hands on the ring now?" Asked Emily as Boromir leans down and picks something up.   
  
"It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt…"   
  
"Here we go, talking about his little thing and in front of the Hobbits, no shame!" Added Emily.   
  
Boromir continued, "... Over so small a thing, such a little thing."   
  
"Boromir! Give the ring to Frodo!" Called Aragorn.   
  
As the Ring was handed back to Frodo, Emily whispered to George: "Can you say dead before the end of the first film!"   
  
****   
  
Halfway up Mount Cahadras.   
  
"Look I don't see why we didn't wait at the bottom, we're only going to have to turn around and go back again!" Moaned Emily.   
  
"How bout you quit bitching and we introduce a little fun into the proceedings!" Grinned George.   
  
George begins to make a snowball.   
  
"Genius! Pure Genius!" Laughed Emily, following her brother's lead.   
  
"So who first?"   
  
"How about Aragorn, a snowball might do him some good!"   
  
The snowball goes hurtling past Aragorn and hits Boromir right in the back of the head.   
  
"Well Boromir will do," added George   
  
"What was that!" Shouted Boromir, "It was freezing!"   
  
"A snowball my dear Boromir!" Laughed Emily in a mocking tone.   
  
"A snow what?"   
  
"Don't tell me you don't do snowballs either, yeesh!" Said George, "Watch, pick up some snow roll it into a ball and throw."   
  
The snowball flew at a great speed hitting Legolas directly in the face. The elf didn't seem too bothered as he brushed the snow off him.   
  
"Hey no fair, elves don't feel the cold," sulked Emily.   
  
Suddenly the Hobbits soon followed suit and the two men and Gimli came under a barrage of ball shaped snow. It wasn't until Gandalf stepped in and began moaning about the lack of time that the snow warfare grounded to a halt.   
  
Ten minutes later...   
  
"I'm cold!" Moaned George   
  
"I'm colder!" Replied Emily   
  
"What you going to do about it?"   
  
"Get another cloak!"   
  
"Yeah right! Who's gonna give up their cloak for you?" Laughed George in between the clunking of his chattering teeth.   
  
"Just you wait and see!" Giggled Emily as she walked ahead to the front of the group.   
  
Five minutes later...   
  
"Hey where did you get that cloak from?!" Yelled George as Emily walked towards him.   
  
"Ha! A certain Elf!"   
  
"No fair!"   
  
"Don't worry, Legolas is just about to say, 'there's a fell voice on the air!' And we'll soon be off this mountain!" Answered Emily.   
  
"There's a fell voice on the air!" Called Legolas.   
  
Emily and George nodded to each other.   
  
"It's Saruman!" Yelled Gandalf   
  
"Hey! Look I'm cold, you're cold, trust me this time, it'll will save us a   
lot of time if we just turn around now and make our way to the Mines of   
Moria, and before you start Gandalf we're going to end up there anyway   
before or after Saruman covers our arses in snow." Called Emily   
  
"She's right, we must get off the mountain!" Yelled Aragorn.   
  
"Let the Ring bearer decide," spoke Gandalf in a small voice.   
  
"We will go through the mines," answered Frodo.   
  
"At last someone sensible!" 

  


*********************************

A/N PLEASE REVIEW I DON'T LIKE TO BEG!

Em: George doesn't but do! Please Please Please Please Please Review!


	4. Hey! Who turned out the lights?

Emily: Hey everyone! Thank you to silver card for their review. You made me smile.

George: What about the other reviews?

Emily: No comment. 

George: Don't you know them?!

Emily: Ok Ok but I did not pay them to review! Thank you Jeni. And as for you lil'smartass! Helping write this! Don't make me give you beats on Monday!

George: Shut up now the people came to read and review not listen to rambling.

Disclaimer: George owns everything apparently because he thinks he is God! Are all boys the same?!

                  We own nowt!

**Chapter Three - "Hey! Who turned out the lights?!"**

"Ah! The walls (dramatic pause) of Moria!" Gasped Gimli. "Dwarf doors are invisible when closed" 

"Yes Gimli, their own masters cannot find them if their secrets are forgotten" added Gandalf. 

"Why doesn't that surprise me!" Smirked Legolas. 

"Are you going to take that from his kind" George couldn't resist stirring. 

"His more sexier, blonder, taller, dreamier kind" Added Emily. 

"(Grunt)" It was obvious that Gimli had forgotten his lines. 

Gandalf begins to caress the wall. 

"Ithildin," whispered Gandalf. "It reads; The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter." 

"What do you suppose that means?" Inquired Merry. 

"Well it's quite simple, if you are a friend you speak the password and the doors will open!" 

"In theory, yes" added George helpfully. 

"Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen!" Spoke the wizard. 

"Well this is thrilling, fancy a game of golf George?" 

Gandalf raised his arms and began to rant again; "Fennas nogothrim, lasto beth lammen!" 

"Nothings happening" clarified Pippin. 

Gandalf continues to try and find the password. 

"Em?!" 

"Yes George?" 

"What's that fruit called that is big and yellow?" 

"Urm...You mean the one that is kinda green inside?" 

"Yeah! And it's kind of the size of an over-inflated rugby ball!" 

"What are you two talking about?" Asked Legolas. 

"What's that big, yellow, rugby shaped fruit called?" Questioned George. 

"Do you mean a Melon?" Replied Legolas. 

Suddenly the doors of Moria began to open. 

"Yeah that's it a mellon!" Shouted Emily. 

Just as suddenly the doors began to close. 

"Mellon, mellon, mellon, mellon, whoops I think I broke it" yelled George as the doors refused to shut anymore. 

Legolas walked towards the doors followed by the rest of the Fellowship excluding Emily and George who were still enjoying a nice round of golf. 

"Aren't you joining us?" Called Aragorn back to the two teens. 

"No, we're fine, your gonna come back out in a minute anyway" replied George as he swung his golf club down hitting the ball from its place on the tee. "Four" (Aragorn ignored this). 

The golf ball dived into the lake only to be greeted by the Watcher! (Dramatic Music) 

As Emily and George looked on at the monster, with its tentacles grooving to some unknown tune, they could here the voices of the Fellowship inside the mine. 

"Soon Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires, malt beer, ripe meat off the bone!" Exclaimed Gimli. 

"What a shame I'm on a diet" breathed Legolas. 

"This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a Mine! A Mine!" 

"This is no mine. It's a tomb!" Called Boromir. 

"No...!" 

Meanwhile outside... 

"Stop throwing golf balls at it!" Shouted Emily. 

Back in the Mine... 

"Goblins" called Legolas as he pulled an arrow out from one of the many slaughtered Dwarves. 

"We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never of come here. Now get out of here! Get out!" Screamed Boromir. 

Back outside... 

"Now you pissed it off!" Smirked Emily as one of the tentacles reached into the mine and pulled out an unsuspecting Frodo. 

The Fellowship came running out with their weapons drawn. 

"Never fear George is here!" 

"Into the Mines!" Shouted Gandalf. 

"Wimp!" Yelled George as he picked up a golf ball and sent it hurtling towards the watcher. 

"Bulls eye" George exclaimed as the Watcher was hit right between the eyes knocking it out. 

The Fellowship assembled in the Mines. 

"Now would be a brilliant time for a torch!" Sighed Emily. "Hang on!" She felt a bump form in her bag, she peered in and saw a torch sitting next to various pictures of Orlando Bloom. "Urm.. George, did you ever put a torch in my bag?" 

"Why would I do that?" 

"What would you like right now at this present time?" Continued Emily. 

"Well an ice lolly wouldn't go amiss, why?" 

"Here you go," said Emily handing George an ice lolly which had just appeared in her bag. 

"Don't tell me, Magic bag?!" Asked George. 

"It would seem that way" laughed Emily. 

"Wicked I want some TNT!" Laughed George, not expecting Emily to hand him some. 

"Just don't light the.." 

!BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Suddenly the entrance gave way and collapsed sealing them all in. 

"You complete and utter tit" growled Emily. 

"Whoops!" 

"We now have but one choice..." said Gandalf as he glared at George who was being hit over the head by Emily. 

"...We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world." Finished Gandalf. 

"Hey Em!" Whispered George. "Guess what Legolas and Gimli look like from the back." 

"Don't you think you've said enough? Go on then what?" 

"Snow White and the one dwarf!" Laughed George, "Hey Gimli, where are the other six!" 

Gimli began to snarl. 

"I think he must be Grumpy" 

"Quietly now! It's a four day journey to the other side..." Started Gandalf 

. 

"Not if we have Quad bikes..!" Exclaimed George. 

Emily tipped her bag upside down letting the Quad bikes that had formed in her bag fall down a ravine. "I don't think so!" 

"...Let us hope our presence may go unnoticed." 

The Fellowship trundled along ignoring the pleas from George that Quad bikes were a good idea. 

"The wealth of Moria was not in Gold or jewels but mithril!" Exclaimed Gandalf. 

The Fellowship peered down into the depths of Moria. 

"I can't move" came a small voice at the back of the group. 

The Fellowship turned to see Emily clutching the walls. 

"Now what!" Sighed Aragorn. 

"She's scared of heights always has been always will be!" Laughed George as Emily fainted landing in a heap at Merry's feet. 

"Great!" Sighed Aragorn. 

"Here let me" said Legolas quietly as he picked the sleeping Emily up. 

"I'm not so sure that is wise, I mean what if she wakes up, she'll she you and have a heart attack or maybe a seizure of some sort and then what'll we do. I doubt very much that you have the NHS here and pacemakers are probably in short supply!" Babbled George. 

Legolas along with the rest of the Fellowship looked on at George in confusion. 

"We do not have time for this, let Legolas carry her, we must keep moving." Said Gandalf sternly. 

"This would never of happened if we had Quad bikes!" 

**** 

The Fellowship approached a chamber made up of three doorways. 

"I have no memory of this place" whispered Gandalf. 

"Great!" Sniggered George. 

Gandalf sat upon a rock at a distance from the rest of the group with Frodo by his side. Aragorn and Boromir sat by each other smoking their pipes. 

"You can get lung cancer from that!" Said a shocked George. 

Boromir chose to ignore this and Aragorn began to get agitated. 

"If your supposed to know what happens why don't you tell Gandalf which door it is and save us from your ranting on?!" 

"Well if you're going to be like that!" Started George. "I don't actually know which door it is because I can't remember, and I didn't read the book! And yes we can't see into the future, if we could we would be millionaires. If you are so anxious to get out of here why don't you ask Emily?" 

George looked over to Emily who was still sleeping in the arms of Legolas. 

"Why don't you just stick her on the floor? She won't mind honestly!" Smirked George. 

Legolas hesitated but them began to lower her to the floor under the glare of George. 

"I would ask her but she won't wake up!" Groaned Aragorn. 

With this George picked up a skin of water and proceeded to drown Emily with it. 

"What the...." Screamed Emily as she sat up with a start. "Not again! George stop wasting the water, I mean I think there is someone else who is in more need of a wash than me and I think we all know who that is!" 

"Well if you would stop fainting I wouldn't have to keep waking you up.!" Retaliated George. 

"Where are we now anyway? Ahh the three doors! Hang on if I was asleep how did I get here?" 

"Well Legolas carried you!" Smiled Sam. 

Emily's eyes widened and she began to look as if she was going faint again. 

"Oh no you don't" shouted George, "This lot need you to tell them what door it is" 

"Well there could be a problem with that!" Said Emily noticing the anger 

gathering on Aragorn's face. 

"What kind of problem?" Chirped Sam who had become quite chatty all of a 

sudden. 

"Well it doesn't actually say which door in the book! And as for the film I kind of was paying attention to something else!" Smiled Emily. 

"What?" Asked Sam 

Emily shot him a look, "Well I was watching Orlando Bloom! If you knew what he looked like you wouldn't be watching Gandalf!" 

"Whose Orlando Bloom?" Inquired Pippin, since Sam had got over questioning Emily. 

"He is an actor who plays one of the Fellowship" answered George. 

"Which one?" Added Merry not noticing the finality to the conversation put in by George. 

"Well I think I had better help Gandalf!" Said Emily quickly as she got up hoping she wouldn't have to answer. 

Emily began to stand in each doorway and sniff the air. 

"What is she doing!" Inquired Boromir. 

"I believe she is trying to figure out which door it is!" Answered George. 

"Well I think she is just wasting our time" 

Emily who had heard this comment was getting sick of Boromir, "Oh Boz just to warn you, try and avoid big black arrows because they don't do anything for your complexion or your heart beat for that matter." Emily along with 

George began to giggle. 

"What is that supposed to mean?" Asked Boromir with a slight crack in his voice. 

Emily ignored him as she stuck her nose into the third door. 

"I asked you a question!" Bellowed Boromir. 

Emily turned around, smiled and said, "auta-miqula-orqu" then returned to sniffing the air. 

Legolas and Aragorn began to laugh and even Gandalf raised his mouth in an attempt to smile. Boromir looked on in confusion. 

"What did she say Aragorn?" 

"Well I think she told you to go kiss an Orc!" Exclaimed Aragorn as he tried to hold in his laughter. 

Before Boromir could retaliate Emily announced; "It's that way!" 

"She is right" smiled Gandalf as he dragged himself of his rock. 

"How do you know?" Asked Merry. 

"Well it don't stink like the others!" 

"Yes, if in doubt Meriadoc follow your nose!" Gleamed Gandalf. 

"One flaw with that theory, if he followed his nose he would always end up next to Aragorn. Which may I add is not a desirable place to be." Said George. 

**** 

"Let me risk a little more light!" Said Gandalf as he held up his staff. "Behold the great realm and Dwarf-city Dwarrowdelf." 

"There's an eye opener and no mistake!" Gasped Sam. 

"You think this is big you should check out Bluewater shopping center, I lost five pounds walking round just once!" Exclaimed George. 

"Ohh..!!!!!!!" 

"Gimli!" 

"Here we go!" Moaned George.

***********

Em: Ohwee! That was fun! Can we do it again?

Geo: Urm Em it's fiction we didn't actually do this. * Hands Emily her medication* Please review it's the only way I can pay for Em's Medication.


	5. Two down, nine to go!

A/N: George: Hey we're back.

Emily: We didn't go anywhere!

George: Oh. Anyway Thank you to Silent Banshee for their review. Detail, hmmm? We will try, it's just we're only good at the funny stuff. The putting it down on paper bit (or computer screen as it were) is tricky but we will do our best.

Emily: Oh and as for lil'Smartass you little…

George: Don't do Em she's not worth it.

Emily: She's ruining the excitement!

George: We could assassinate her.

Emily: Good idea. I apologize for her putting a spoiler in her review. She is claiming to be our BETA reader well if that is the case why is she condemning the grammar. You can't be doing a v. good job then can you Liz?!

George: Anyway here is chappie four, for all you lovely readers out there. *kisses the computer screen*****

Disclaimer: G: put Legolas back. E: I don't want to, he's mine! G: No he is not!  

**Chapter Four - "Two down, Nine to go!" ******

"Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria" confirmed Gandalf as he tried to be heard over the loud sobs of Gimli. 

"As much as I don't like the Dwarf I kinda feel sorry for him!" Squeaked George with a crack in his voice. 

"He is dead then" Gandalf bowed his head. "It is as I feared!" The hat was removed. 

He lent down and picked up a book that was being held by a rotting dwarf corpse. 

"If you want something to read I would recommend 'The Unfinished Tales' that book is brilliant!" Voiced Emily. 

"Umm Em that corner looks like a good hiding place!" Whispered George as he noticed Gandalf handing his staff and hat to Pippin. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Well I would like to be safe when the shit hits the fan so I have been eyeing up certain areas where Orcs might not find me and my TNT!" 

"I thought I told you that you weren't allowed anymore TNT" 

"I don't see why.." Legolas interrupted George. 

"We must move on. We cannot linger." 

"Listen to the elf. Big trouble heading this way!" Called George from behind a well thought out hiding place. 

Gandalf read on undeterred by the warning of the elf and the slight whimpers curling round boulders, which concealed two petrified teens. 

This would of been a useful time for George to warn Pippin of the dangers of fiddling with things that ought not to be fiddled with but instead decided to say; 

"Timber!" 

All of the Fellowship turned towards the well, which Pippin was standing by and watched as a dwarf corpse fell into the oblivion followed by a chain attached to a bucket. Emily and George were more interested in watching the poor little hobbit squirm as the continuous crashes of the falling crud sounded from the opening of the well. 

"Fool of a Took!" Bellowed Gandalf as he slammed the book shut. 

"What he means is you're a complete and utter pranny!" Voiced a boulder in the corner of the tomb. 

The tomb began to tremble and Orc cries sounded from the deep, or what could of been Orc cries if it wasn't for George and his rather good Orc impressions. 

"This maybe a good time to vacate the premises" squealed Emily as she began heading for the door. She halted as two black arrows imbedded in the door next to her head. "Or maybe we should stay here!" 

Before she could whimper again Boromir grabbed her and dragged her away as Legolas and Aragorn sealed the door. 

"Hey Em! What do you reckon to Pepper spray?" Called George. 

"Right now I reckon you should shut up and start praying!" 

"Yeah I could do that but Pepper spray would be a wicked way to stop those Orcs with those big bulging green eyes!" 

"Hush!" Bellowed Boromir. "Speaking has no place in combat!" 

"Oh right so it's OK for you to say 'look they have a cave troll' but no I can't plan ways of saving mine and my sister's butt!" Retorted George. 

"How sweet you were thinking up ways to save me!" Laughed Emily. 

"What Cave Troll?!" Called Boromir with a puzzled look marring his face. 

"That one!" 

At that moment the Cave Troll came crashing into the tomb swinging his mallet above his head. The Fellowship switched to fighting mode and began their assault on the number of Orcs that came piling into the room. 

"You know what George?" Began Emily, "If I wasn't such a wimp I would probably enjoy this.... Infact what the hell" Emily pulled out a sword from her bag and joined in the fighting. 

"Great now I have to follow her and stop her from getting herself killed" George began to run forward " Too late!" George stopped in his tracks and watched as Emily's left shoulder was pieced with an Orc arrow. He run to his sister's side and knelt down holding her hand. 

"You can't die this is supposed to be a comedy!" Cried George. 

"Don't worry I 'll do a Gandalf and come back. I promise." She shut her eyes but quickly opened them again. 

"Just before I go you better cry 'cause I would cry if you died. Oh! One more thing don't forget my bag!" With that she was gone. 

"Where's that f**king Orc, I'll teach it to kill my sister!" Roared George. 

**** 

After the Cave Troll was killed and George had been dragged away from stabbing the same 'dead'  Orc for ten minutes the Fellowship watched as Frodo 

revealed his Mithril vest. 

"You are full of surprises Master Baggins!" Beamed Gimli. 

"Come we must move on is everyone all right?" Gandalf began to glance about the room. 

"Where is Lady Emily?" Everyone paused at the sound of Legolas' concerned voice. After a few moments of silence they turned to George to see tears rolling down his face. 

"Still yours tear Master George she is at peace now" Gimli bowed his head to the teenager. 

"We must move now!" Cried Gandalf as Orc cries became present again. 

The Fellowship began to move; George paused and picked up Emily's bag, "Trust her to have such a girly bag!" He began to run but quickly turned back and called, "See you later Em! I knew that Pepper spray would come in handy, look real tears!" 

**** 

The Fellowship ran through the Dwarf-city of Dwarrowdelf, pursued by Moria Orcs, which seem to spring from all sides. Soon they were surrounded. 

"Ahhhhh!!!!!!" Bellowed Gimli in an attempt to scare the Orcs off. 

"Yeah like thats gonna work!" Smirked George noticing Legolas also rolling his eyes at the idiocy of the Dwarf. 

A terrific rumbling shook the ground causing the Orcs to turn and flee. With this Gimli let out a strangled laugh thinking his fierce roar had scared them away. 

"Even if you dropped your trousers which may I add would put the fear of God into anyone! You still are not the reason that the Orcs have run away." Yelled George as he pointed towards the orange glow that was approaching. 

"What is this new devilry?" Whispered Boromir to the Wizard who looked deep in thought. 

George knew what was coming so decided to make his exit. "Hey Guys! I might just leave now I mean the Hobbits trembling with fear I can handle but when the elf looks scared I think the best option is to RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And with that he fled the scene and disappeared though the doorway that led to the bridge. 

"A Balrog" began Gandalf in answer to Boromir's question; "A demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you." He finished using George's brilliant advise; "Run!!" 

The Fellowship kick started into action and passed through the doorway George went through a few minutes ago. 

Meanwhile.... 

"Who needs to jump when you have wooden planks?! Oh I better take them away I don't wanna ruin one of the best parts of the film. I love that bit where Gimli doesn't wanna be tossed. Ahh so much gayness which they aren't aware of!" George has resulted in talking to himself as he carried on his journey to the bridge of Khazad-dum. 

Finally reaching the bridge George stopped in the middle of it and sat down admiring the view. 

"I wonder how long that Fellowship of mine is going to be! What shall I do?" George peered down into the gloom. "Let me see" smirked George as he began to rumage through the bag which he had removed from his sister. 

"That is disgusting! No wonder Legolas doesn't fancy her!" He pulled out a half eaten toasted sandwich and cast it over the edge. He began to listen to see how long it would take to reach the bottom. 

Ten minutes later... 

A faint splat could be heard as the toasted sandwich finally touched base. 

"I would really hate to be Gandalf right now, speaking of Gandalf here he comes now I hope he doesn't slip on that. I had better get a shimmy on" 

"You cannot pass!" Bellowed the old wizard as he turned to face the Balrog. 

George looked up to see the light from outside peering in and as always resulted in leaving the Fellowship. 

George sat on a rock facing the opening, which led back into Moria. "Emily please hurry up and get back here. I promise I won't tell Legolas about the shrine you've got in your room and I promise not to tell all your friends you secretly fancy Sean Bean." 

He looked back up as the Fellowship trudged out of Moria. His eyes followed the elf as a look of sorrow crossed his face. "Emily would have loved to have seen that!" 

"So what's with all the sad faces?" Gleamed George forgetting what had just happened on the bridge. 

"Gandalf has fallen!" Cried Gimli. 

"Oh yeah!" 

"You knew this would happen?!" Called a shocked Aragorn. 

"Well yeah" 

"Why did you not do anything about it?" He roared. 

"Because I know every action has consequence, you shall see I am right in time!" George sat down again and began to sulk. "I wish Emily was here!" 

"Get me out of this bag!" Screamed the bag. 

"What the......." George walked over to the bag and tipped it upside down. A cascade of junk, CD's, various pictures of Orlando Bloom, another toasted sandwich and a teenage girl poured out of the swollen bag. 

"Took you long enough!" Breathed Emily as she picked herself up and brushed herself off. 

"Sorry! I didn't know you had set up lodging there! For all I knew you were back on earth telling Mum and Dad I left the fridge door open!" 

"God! One minute I'm kicking Orc butt, then I end up in Harry Potter land which may I add is seriously disturbing! That Daniel Radcliff is about as believable as Busted saying they are a punk band, and then I end up in a bag with a toasted sandwich which has evolved into an intelligent life form intent on taking over the world!" 

"Have you been eaten polo's again? You know they send your sugar level through the roof!" 

Emily sent a death glare to her brother who began to inch away towards Aragorn. 

"Legolas, get them up." Called Aragorn, still in disbelief that this girl had come back to life. 

"Give them a moment, for pity's sake!" Cried Boromir who even though his concern for the hobbits was genuine he was also in need of a moment of rest. 

"As much as I don't like the dude, Boromir has a point!" Gasped Emily who looked as if she was going to pass out. "Traveling through different realms has its downsides and tiredness is one of them not to mention the nausea!" *whatever you do don't throw up in front of the elf* 

"By nightfall, these hills will be swarming with Orcs. We must reach the woods of Lothlorien." Pronounced Aragorn. 

"Who died and made you leader? Wait...Hang on...Don't answer that." George had a knack of saying the most stupidest of things. 

"It is wonderful to have you back with us and I know you are tired but Aragorn is right Lady Emily, we cannot stay here. Let me help you up" Legolas offered his hand to Emily who was too exhausted to realize whose hand it was. 

"Fine I am up!" Emily took the hand offered and looked up at the elf. *Be calm your only holding his hand, don't make a prat of yourself again. Be graceful and ladylike then maybe you will stand a chance* 

"Not likely once he sees the contents of your bag!" Called George who knew exactly what his sister was thinking. 

**********

George: On to Lothlorien.

Emily: What's that button down there?

G: Don't touch it!

E: Why?

G: It is dangerous!

E: How so?

G: Well if it was safe more people would prod it! (hint, hint).


	6. The Voices in my Head

A/N George: Desperate plea for reviews! My Uni's got the mumps, please review before I catch them and become the shell of the man I am now!

Em: Howdy Partners! How are all my readers today? Good? Well I have had an interesting weekend of Maths and English coursework! Yippee, Oh and I went to see ROTK for the ninth time! Joyous occasion.

George: Can you say obsessed?!

Em: I am not obsessed!

George: Coming from the girl who has a 5ft 9inch cardboard cut out of a certain elf!

Em: 5ft 10inches actually!

George: Your stock is not improving!

Em: *glares* Anyhow, danke schon to cHoCoLaTeChIhUaHuA for their review. Lots of people think having a bro sucks but I for one think it is rather fun! Siblings rock!

George: Speak for yourself! Oh and lil'Smartass, I am coming for you. A plan has been formulated! 

**Chapter Five - The voices in my head**. 

"Are we there yet?" Groaned George who was carrying a sniffling Pippin. 

"Don't you recognize the golden trees and weird glow that make us look like we have just stepped out of a nuclear power plant?" Replied Emily who was now feeling a lot better but kept up the act of exhaustion so that Legolas, who at that moment in time had his arm around her, would not let go. 

"Stay close, young Hobbits! They say a great sorceress lives in these woods. An elf-witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her spell and are never seen again!" 

Legolas couldn't help but laugh at the dwarf's words but soon stopped when he noticed that Emily had disappeared from under his arm and both teens were out of where even his keen eyesight could see. He turned around and signaled to Aragorn for them to stop. 

"What is it?" 

Legolas let Aragorn's words fall in the air and continued to scan the area until he eyes rested on two figures standing at the base of a tree to the rear of the group. 

The Fellowship gathered round them and entered the conversation between the two at a confusing point. 

"I dared you, you have to do it!" Shouted George. 

"All right but if I get shot again it's your fault!" Emily began to scale the tree. "Yep I can see him!" She called down. "Hey Haldir you overgrown... Hang on what was it again?" Emily ceased her shouting and looked down to George for help. 

"Overgrown, pointy eared, dumbass!" Called back George. 

Emily resumed her shouting, "Hey Haldir you overgrown pointy eared dumbass, you're getting a bit slow. Craig Parker would have been here by now with his band of merry men... or elves as it were!" 

As if by magic a group of elves stepped in, all with arrows notched on their bows. 

"Hey so much for you having the eyes of a hawk Gimli!" Exclaimed George who was also trying to convince Legolas that his one bow could not take out the group of Lothlorien elves. 

"Where is the girl that knew my name?" Demanded Haldir, as he swaggered past his kin. 

On cue Emily fell out of the tree and landed on Aragorn. 

"Where's some odor-eaters when you need them?!" Screamed Emily as she shrank away from the smell. 

Aragorn raised and eyebrow, he really wanted to know what an odor-eater was. 

"How did you come to know my name? I know not your face, we haven't crossed paths before." Haldir was becoming impatient and didn't like the idea of forgetting a face. 

"Really long story which you will find out once you offer me and my friends protection and a place to rest!" Stated Emily, as she tried to act as if the score of bows were not scaring her. 

Haldir lifted his chin in a defiant manner but then began to laugh much to the surprise of everyone present. 

"Follow me!" 

"Don't you need to blindfold us?" Inquired Emily. 

"Emily we have a map we know the way. This isn't one of your bondage fetishes is it 'cause that is just wrong!" 

"No!!!!! It just that I think the bit when they get blindfolded in the book is funny especially when Legolas gets blindfolded, he was well pissed off!" 

"I was blindfolded!" Said a startled Legolas. 

Gimli began to roar with laughter. 

"I don't know what your laughing about, you were the reason for the blindfolds, you see Gimli the elves just don't like you! In fact no one likes you!" Explained George as he hit the unsuspecting Dwarf round the head. 

The Fellowship was led off and the two teens started to sing as they skipped along the path, which was of a yellowy color. 

"We're off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of elves! 

He really is a wiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was. 

If ever a wonderful wiz there was the wizard of elves is one because.. 

Because because because because because.... 

Because of the wonderful elves his got. 

We're off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of elves!" 

"Do you think they may be coming down with something?" Asked a concerned Haldir to Legolas. 

Legolas just laughed and walked ahead to join the giggling duo. 

"You sing strange songs!" Smirked Legolas as he walked in between them. 

"You think that was strange!" Laughed George, who motioned for Emily to sing again. 

She began to hum the tune to Rock Show by Blink 182 but soon launched into her own version of the song. 

"I fell in love with an elf from Mirkwood" 

Legolas said "What?!" and George said he didn't know. 

"He's so cool gonna stick his pic in my window, 

Everything better when he's around,

can't wait till his dad gives him the crown. 

I fell in love with an elf from Mirkwood" 

She stopped for breath but then returned to her song. 

"Black and White pictures of him on my wall 

I waited for his call 

It always stopped me dating 

And if I ever got to middle-earth 

I'd show him what I'm worth 

And that we should be mating!" 

"OK that's enough EM!" Shouted George who snatched the blindfold which he insisted be used on Gimli and tied it round Emily's mouth. 

"MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm!" Mumbled Emily. 

"I can only apologize for my sister, you see we dropped her on her head when she was a baby!" 

"MMMMMMmmm Mmmm mmmm!" 

"What was that?!" Laughed George. 

Aragorn and Boromir began to laugh at the look of shock upon Legolas' face. 

The laughter subsided when Haldir announced; 

"Caras Galadhon. The heart of Elvendom on earth. Realm of the Lord Celeborn and of Galadriel, Lady of Light!" 

The Fellowship were led to the base of a large staircase which tumbled down from the tree which stood before them. 

"I don't suppose there's a lift?" Inquired George. 

The surrounding elves looked on and said nothing. 

"Didn't think so!" 

**** 

Haldir brought them before the Lord and Lady, Emily and George chose to situate themselves towards the back. 

"That Galadriel freaks me out Em! I'm already hearing voices in my head." Complained George. 

"I don't think it's Galadriel George, did you ever get that checked out by a doctor?" 

A bright light fell upon them highlighting the beautiful features of everyone's favorite elf. 

"The enemy knows you have entered here!" Spoke Celeborn. 

"Well that's not hard with Aragorn's smell lingering and Legolas leaving hair products wherever he goes!" Grumbled George, not to pleased with the impending danger. 

Legolas and Aragorn looked at each other. Aragorn took a deep inhale of his armpit and seem pleased to find whatever smell had been trapped there. Legolas raised a hand to his hair and began to stroke down any end that had decided to turn upwards. 

"What hope you had in secrecy is now gone!" Celeborn began to glance menacingly at the two teenagers. 

"Urmmm... Not to interrupt, but I've just noticed that we are rather high up!" Squeaked Emily. She stepped back and was about to faint but was disturbed by the sound of hocking emanating from her brother. 

"What are you doing?" Said a exasperated Boromir. 

"I am lining up my shot for the best loogy ever produce by a man in Middle-Earth!" Laughed George as a big gob of spit fell from his mouth. 

"Hey Aragorn, didn't you used t...." Aragorn placed his hand over the elf's mouth. 

"Ten there are here, yet eleven there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him. I can no longer see him from afar." Celeborn changed the subject. 

"Stupid prat fell off a bridge!" 

"Way to break it to them gently!" Snapped Emily as she glared at her brother. 

"He was taken by both shadow and flame. A Balrog of Morgoth!" Legolas clarified the fact that Gandalf didn't just fall off a bridge. 

The Fellowship along with Galadriel and Celeborn lowered their heads as grief consumed them. 

"Look in the words of Arnie, 'I'll be back' or in Gandalf's case, he'll be back!" Smiled George hoping they would forgive his little outburst. 

Galadriel peared into the boy's eyes looking for answers. 

"Help! Em she's probing me!" 

"You are so lucky that I don't have a dirty mind because I could have taken that last statement as quite offensive to my polite, well brought up nature!" Smirked Emily. 

"You well brought up! You forget we share the same parents!" 

Galadriel turned her attentions away from the boy and onto Emily. She delved deep into the girl's mind but soon a confused look crossed her face. 

George took this opportunity to explain: 

"If the book is empty, there ain't anything to read if you catch my drift?" 

Galadriel turned away and looked over the Fellowship, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight you will sleep in peace" 

**** 

The Fellowship was led off down the stairs, much to the relief of Emily and the Hobbits. They were taken to a place where they could rest for the time they would occupy Lothlorien. 

Legolas taking this opportunity to speak to other elves, whom he greatly missed having conversations with, snuck off. 

"Where is he going?" Whispered George to Emily, hoping not to disturb the sleeping Hobbits. 

"I don't know but I'm going to follow him!" Emily got up and walked off in the direction the elf had just gone in. 

"Wait what am I..." George's words were lost as Emily disappeared from sight. "Great! Alone again! One of these days I am going to go peculiar and start talking to myself!" 

****

George: The mumps are still lurking around, better get these reviews in quick! Oh and my apologies for the next chapter, I was decidedly absent when Em wrote it soooooooo it could be a tad warped!


	7. Naked Elves

A/N: Em: Hello to all my wonderful readers1 George is absent at the moment as he refused to be a part of a chapter called "Naked Elves" He He He! But George told me to say not to worry to all his fangirls (Yeah right) he is in the chapter but had no part in writing it.

Now that is done I will say a very big Thank you to ElfAngel5687 and NiphrediL-GED for their reviews.

Disclaimer: You can sue me for disturbing your lives but you can't sue for BORROWING the wonderful Fellowship.

**Chapter six - Naked Elves ******

"Hey Aragorn, did you know it's possible to die of boredom?" Growled George as he began to search through Emily's bag, which lay on the grass. 

"This is the eighth time you have asked me that question! Is there a point or are you just trying to find out the answer by BORING ME TO DEATH!" 

"No there is no point...wait a minute! How long have we been here?" Sniffed George as the cogs of his mind began to kick into action again, after a long period of brain numbing silence. 

"This will be the ninth day of our time in Lothlorien" Aragorn paused as he saw George's face drop, "What now?!" 

"Tell me, have you or anyone else in the Fellowship seen either Legolas or Emily since we first arrived?" 

"Well Legolas is catching up with his friends! And as for your sister, not even the Valar knows where she is!" 

"You don't think there could be a link?!" 

"You are the slowest human being I have ever met in my entire life!" George turned to see Boromir walk out of the trees. 

"Your entire life, which will be ending shortly!" Muttered George. 

"Pardon!" 

"Oh nothing! Anyway back this link!" Squirmed George. 

"Oh I think it is pretty obvious!" Laughed Boromir. 

George's eyes went wide, "Feel...Insides...wanting to explode...Too much grossness! Bad thoughts. VERY BAD THOUGHTS! Arrgghhhhh!!!!!!!" With this George ran off into the bushes, screaming and hollering. "I hate that Boromir! Where does he get these stupid ideas from, Em would never go off gallivanting with some prissy elf prince! Would she?!" 

George continued on his path down to the lake, he began to gather some stones so he could practice skimming. He bent down to retrieve a stone that was the perfect shape, as he rose he was met with the sight of something that would scar him for life! 

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Nine days earlier... 

"Wait what am I..." 

Emily ignored George's words and continued on her stalking of Legolas. 

"I wonder where he is going? Oooh maybe he's going to have a bath, now that would be something I cannot miss!" 

Legolas turned around and spotted the very noticeable Emily trying to hide behind a tree. 

"What are you doing?" Asked Legolas as he walked over and helped Emily pull out various leaves and twigs from her hair, which had taken refuge there after her recent scramble for a hiding place. 

"Well... I was... Umm... Making sure that... Umm... You were O.K!" Emily smiled, convinced that the stalking charge might be dropped. 

"Indeed! Well I can assure you that I am perfectly capable of looking after myself" 

"That's what you think, but what if some screaming fan girls were to land on middle-earth? What would you do then?" 

Legolas looked on in confusion. 

"I propose that I should stay with you and if the occasion should arise when you need a temporary girlfriend to help scare away hyperventilating teenagers I shall be by your side!" 

Somehow Legolas came to the conclusion that this was a genius plan, "Well I suppose having you around could be useful at times." 

"Really!" Emily couldn't believe that he was agreeing to this. "You really are naturally blonde!" 

Legolas raised an eyebrow at this and carried on his way. 

Nine days later... 

"Emily please stop following me for just a little while! I really need to take a bath, you wouldn't want me to start smelling like Aragorn would you?!" Pleaded Legolas. 

"Fine! But if you get ambushed it'll be your own fault!" 

"I shall bear that in mind!" 

Legolas skulked off to the lake, but Emily wasn't going to let him get away that easily. Her years of Orlando Bloom stalking had come in handy as she scaled a tree by the lake and peered down on the unsuspecting Legolas who had just started to remove his clothes. 

"Breathe, just take big, deep breaths!" Whispered Emily to herself as her eyes widened at the sight before her. Eventually it all became a bit too much for Em as the elf prince went to remove his pants. Her footing on the branch slipped as her brain paralyzed. 

Legolas looked up only to see Emily hurtling towards him, the next thing he knew he was sent flying into the lake along with the screeching girl. 

After a few moments of splashing around in the clear depths of the lake the two surfaced in a position, which looked like page fourteen of the Karma-Sutra! Before anything could be said the pair turned to the path to see George beginning to rise from investigating a stone. 

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

This high-pitched scream alerted the entire population of Lothlorien that something was awry and soon a crowd had gathered around the lake. Legolas who had now turned an interesting shade of pink let go of Emily who was lounging in his arms looking rather smug with herself. 

"Hey!" Spluttered Emily as she reappeared from beneath the water line, "What was that for?!" 

Legolas had seemed to have lost the use of his mouth and just stayed still treading water with his mouth wide open. 

"O.K people nothing here to see now, move along, don't you elves have homes to go to?" George rounded up and out the crowd that had gathered. "Em! Get out of that lake right now! I want a word with you!" Bellowed George. 

"Whatever!" Sighed Emily as she began to swim towards dry land, "Hey Legolas! Did you know white goes see through when wet!" Emily looked down beneath the clear water at the prince's choice in white underwear. 

With this Legolas scrambled to shore, grabbed his things and ran off into the forest before Emily could have a chance to notice the redness which had spread to the tips of his ears. 

"I don't know why he is running, he's got nothing to be ashamed of!" Giggled Emily as water steamed off her face. 

"Please, please tell me that the only reason you two were in a lake together is because by a strange series of events you 'accidentally' removed his clothes and were pushed by Sauron's minions into the lake!" Squirmed George. 

"I wish! By a strange series of event I fell in taking a unsuspecting Legolas in with me!" 

"And the nakedness of a certain elf...? 

"Ha! That is for me to know and for you to find out" With that Emily turned from the path in search of some dry clothes. 

**** 

"Captain's Log number 1.5.... We have set up lodging in Lothlorien, who knows when we shall escape. My useless fuckwit of a sis has shacked up with some elf boy and left me to settle the minds of the Fellowship! I have been sent on a mission to the spring in search of some she-elves, I can't see them yet but I am going to find them, if I have to search every puddle of water on this middle-earth I will find them, I've got to mister!"

George, bless him, had let isolation go to his head. 

"Ah ha! I had a dog and his name was BINGO!" George had noticed a group of she-elves swimming in a spring. He also noticed a pile of clothes placed on a nearby rock. 

**** 

"My lady I am sorry, I try to keep them under control but it just seems everything I do they always ignore it," Aragorn gulped as Galadriel looked down on him sternly. 

"Those two teenagers are a danger, not just to middle-earth but to themselves! They know things only those with the gift of foresight can see, if we lose them then middle-earth will be lost!" 

Emily who was dropping some eaves on the conversation had to hold in a laugh, *Galadriel thinks George and I are the key to the survival of middle-earth!* 

All of a sudden Emily was shaken out of her thoughts by the squealing of a mass of naked she-elves running after George who was lost under an armful of clothes. 

"Shit these elves can run fast!" Panted George as he finally gave up and dropped all the clothes. He smiled innocently but as soon as he noticed the idea of murder on the faces of the she-elves he leapt into a full sprint. 

Galadriel turned to Aragorn and raised an eyebrow, "Under control!" 

***

A/N: I feel lonely without George telling me what to write! Come back George! If you would like George to come back could you please say so in your reviews! He is very needy and wants to feel loved!

Next chapter is called Etiquette and moisture! BET YOU CAN'T WAIT! 


	8. Etiquette and Moisture

A/N: George: No one wanted me back! I feel cheap and used!

Anyway! Happy Valentines to everyone who didn't get any cards. Valentines sucks if you're single! I'm not *smiles smugly*

Thank you to Fairypunk for her ONE AND ONLY review! You rock Han!

Come on people. The more reviews the better the updates. Between you and me Em's getting a bit slow with the writing, a couple more reviews will get her to speed up.

Disclaimer: F**k the disclaimer. Is that even possible?!

**Chapter seven - Etiquette and moisture.**

"Today we are going to learn how to speak," announced Aragorn. 

"Excuse me?" Yelped Emily and George. 

"Lady Galadriel has asked me to keep the two of you under control! Ergo I'll be conducting a number of etiquette lessons." 

"Ha Ha Ha is this some kind of sick joke?!" Said George in a monotone voice. 

"As the future King of Gondor I am the person with the right qualifications to turn you two rebellious ratbags into well spoken young adults!" 

Emily and George looked at each other as a look of bafflement crossed their faces. 

"Did he just say that he wanted us to become adults!" Gulped Emily. 

"I think he did!" Replied George, "Run!" 

The two teens turned on their heals and disappeared into the forest only to be met by Legolas and Boromir who were sent to foil their inevitable escape. 

"How come you got to be dragged back by Legolas?" Whined Emily as Boromir pulled her along by her wrist. 

"Right lets make a start! Otherwise I'll get my whip and chair out!" Gleamed Aragorn, "Now the issue of swearing! There is to be no more of it!" 

"Your shitting me right?!" Laughed George. 

"George! No more swearing! Do you understand!" Shouted Aragorn. 

"Now when you say no swearing, do you mean every swear word that has ever passed my lips!?" Inquired Emily. 

"F**king hell!" Muttered Legolas under his breath. 

"What did you just say?!" Bellowed Aragorn. 

"He He! The elf just swore!" Giggled the two teenagers. 

"I think the elf needs to be punished! Can I borrow that whip of yours Aragorn!" Laughed Emily. 

"I apologize I think it is hanging around with these two too much!" Legolas rose and left the scene. 

"Now where was I, Oh yes no swearing!"

"Yes Sir," groaned George and Emily. 

After three hours of continuous lists of words, which could be considered as swear words, George finally drew out his last word. 

"How about Nutsacks?" 

"No nutsacks!" Sighed Aragorn. 

"I'm done!" 

"Thank Valar! Right lesson two, how to conduct ones self at dinner." 

As soon as the mention of dinner sprang into the equation Gimli, shortly after followed by the rest of the Fellowship, joined the teenagers and Aragorn at the table that had been laid out by the elves. 

"Cutlery is to be used!" Snapped Aragorn as Gimli proceeded to dunk his hand into the bowls of food presented to them. 

"Maybe we're not the ones who need to learn table manners!" Grinned George as he stared at Gimli who was stemming an attempt to drown his beard in a goblet of wine. 

"Legolas?" 

Legolas turned slowly towards Emily who was seeking out his attentions. 

"Yes Lady Emily?" Why did he have the distinct feeling he wasn't going to like what was about to come from her mouth. 

"Can I feed you?" 

Legolas froze not sure what to say. He needed an excuse to leave. 

"I'm not that hungry! I'll think I will go and have a bath." Legolas began to rise from the table, but then noticed a grin on Emily's face. Feeling the need to clarify this he shouted back, "ALONE!" 

Emily frowned and buried her chin in her hands, which were supported by her elbows on the table. 

"Elbows off!" Snapped Aragorn. 

Emily answered by sticking out her tongue. 

"Hey Aragorn! Do you like see-food!?" Sniggered George as he presented the entire contents of his mouth to the table. This sight even made the resilient Dwarf feel a bit queasy. 

Aragorn seeing that this was a hopeless cause decided to move off table manners. 

"I have noticed that you two are lacking in the ability of decision making!" 

"No we aren't! Are we?" Snapped George. 

"We do make decisions! Don't we?" Added Emily. 

"He just mucking around! Aren't you Aragorn?" 

"See what I mean?!" Laughed Aragorn. 

Aragorn lent back on his chair and placed his feet on a nearby rock, which on contact let out a noise that could have easily been interpreted as a fart. Being the immature teenagers that they were Emily and George crumpled over in fits of laughter. 

Aragorn raised an eyebrow and glared at them, "Just grow-up!" 

"Not possible!" Yelled George as Emily poked him in the ribs after he 'accidentally' pulled her hair. 

Aragorn sighed and left in search of Legolas who he found perched up a tree. 

"I thought you were going to have a bath?" 

Legolas leapt off the branch he was sat on and landed gracefully next to Aragorn, "I said that to avoid being ask stupid questions by a certain human!" 

"I thought you liked her?" 

"When did I say that?!" Questioned Legolas. 

"Oh just something you mumbled in your sleep!" Laughed Aragorn. Legolas raised his eyebrows in horror, but before he could retaliate Aragorn began to speak: 

"I want you to keep a close eye on Emily for me" 

Legolas laughed, "For a minute there I thought you wanted me to take care of Emily!" 

"I do" 

"Huh!" 

"As stupid as they may seem they are very valuable to Middle-earth, I cannot keep an eye on them both therefore I trust that you will help share this task." 

"Couldn't I look after George?" 

"I feel that Emily is the greater handful, with your keen senses and the fact that she fancies the pants off of you, you are much better for the job!" Aragorn stood tall and showed the King in him, trying to pull rank over Legolas. 

"You are not King yet, and don't forget that I am a prince so if anyone is going to be pulling rank it shall be me!" Snapped Legolas. 

"Please Legolas, pretty please! I won't tell anyone what you mumbled in your sleep!" 

"Fine but if I accidentally shoot her with my bow it will be your fault!" Legolas pranced away in search of Emily hoping that it would take a long time to find her. 

**** 

"As your current guardian I will be teaching you the art of sword fighting" Aragorn handed George a sword. 

"Great!" Proclaimed George sarcastically. "Why does Em get the elf? I bet she having a great time! Learning archery, elvish, how to walk silently! I think someone up there is punishing me for something." 

To the astonishment of George the future King of Gondor fell to his knees and began to cry. 

"Ahh! Moisture! Snot and tear! Urmm... Hankie!" George pulled out a tissue from Emily's bag and placed it on Aragorn's head. "Why the tears?" 

"Everyone likes that blasted elf! No one loves me!" Wept Aragorn as he reached for the white tissue which was set upon his flop of hair. 

"Hey come on that's not true! Loads of people like you!" Squirmed George amongst the falling tears and running mucus. 

"They do?" 

"Of course!" 

"Name them" 

"You want me to name them?!" 

"Yes" 

"Well let me see" 

"See you can't even name one!" 

"You didn't give me a chance!" 

"Well go on then name five" 

"Five! As many as that! Well Arwen she loves you!" 

"That's one" 

"Legolas and Gimli, they wouldn't be following you otherwise would they?" 

"I guess not. O.K. That's three." Aragorn persisted. 

"Well urm... Agent Elrond likes you" 

"Who?" 

"Sorry I meant Lord Elrond!" 

"One more!" 

"One more.... Ummm... Well Boro... No wait he hates you... Ummm I know! Me!" 

"You like me?" 

"Yes and not just me, there are thousands of fangirls who love you back on earth!" 

"You are lying you wanted to be with Legolas!" 

"I was only joking, I think you are great and without you there wouldn't be a third film!" 

"Excuse me? What are fangirls?" 

"Never mind, now why don't we practice some sword fighting" George concluded, grateful that his lies had reduced the amount of snot that was trickling from Aragorn's nose. 

Meanwhile... 

"I have been given the job of looking after you, which in no way means that I am interested in you!" Stated Legolas. 

Following Aragorn's example Emily fell to her knees and wept into the sleeves of her dress. Legolas feeling rather guilty knelt down and gathered up the crying form into his arms. 

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it. Please stop crying!" 

Emily wasn't about to let this moment end so issued more tears from her ever reddening eyes. Legolas didn't know what to do and after what Aragorn had said about Emily and George being significant to the future of Middle-earth, he felt for sure that if he didn't act quickly the Valar would surely punish him for his heartless actions. 

"If you stop crying I'll let you have whatever you want," Legolas realized that this was possibly one of the most stupidest things that had ever passed his lips as soon as the words fell out of his mouth. 

"Whatever I want?" Hiccupped Emily between tears. 

Legolas noticing that the crying had begun to lessen decided to carry on with this course, "Whatever you want." 

"Can I have a hug?" Whimpered Emily. 

This was not what Legolas had expected, he felt for sure that by the next day she would have forced him to be her slave or something along those lines! Legolas complied and wrapped his arms tightly around Emily's waist. 'Maybe this human had more integrity that I first thought!' Reflected Legolas to himself. 

Emily on the other hand was thinking that this hug was a first step into getting a certain elf prince to fall in love with her, especially after Aragorn had told her what Legolas mumbled in his sleep! 

****  
A/N George: As I said earlier Em is getting a bit slow with her bit. It doesn't help that she is not well and a bit depressed at the mo. Please help me cheer her up. The next update will most likely be next weekend. Thank you people.


	9. Get the Hell out of my forest!

A/N: Emily: Hello is anyone out there? We got no reviews! People I'm down on my knees, I need to know if people are reading this let alone liking it!

George: Would you like me to beg as well? 

Disclaimer: I own my dirty laundry, half a pack of melted Rolos, a cheese grater and some bizarre glowing thing that looks radioactive. Do you see any of Tolkien's characters in that list?

**Chapter Eight - Get the hell out of my forest!******

"Aragorn I crave a word with you." Galadriel tapped the ranger on the shoulder, "The time has come when you and the rest Fellowship have to move on."

"What! We were due to stay for another two weeks. Why the sudden change?" Aragorn didn't mind the thought of leaving but was shocked by the elf queen's sudden change in heart, after all it had been her who suggested that they stay for the time that they did.

"The enemy is drawing closer, I can feel it... I think... Oh what the hell! It's those teenagers, I can't stand them any longer, that boy and his crude words and as for that girl, well I'd rather not talk about the effect she is having on the elves of this place, I mean those tops she wears!"

"As you wish. I will ready the Fellowship, we will leave at dawn."

****

"Thank the lord! We're free! Yay!" Emily and George couldn't hold in their contentment. "No more freaky elf witch, no more elves giving us evil looks!"

"And no more stupid sword lessons with Aragorn!" Added George.

"I thought you liked me!" Wailed Aragorn.

"I only said that to stop you crying!" 

"You were crying!" Laughed Legolas.

"Shut up elf-boy!" Retaliated Aragorn.

"Boy! I'm older than you! Although the years have been kinder to me!"

"Look if you really insist on having five people like you here's one to replace me! There is a girl back on earth called Liz who would do just about anything for you, for some unknown reason!" George groaned.

"Liz? She must be really cool!" Aragorn chirped up.

"More like insane!" Laughed Emily.

"She'd have to be insane to fancy him!" Added George.

"And Weird!"

"Not to mention kinda freaky!"

"O.K. Enough already!" Shouted Liz, who appeared from nowhere. Just as quickly as she arrived she disappeared. *Poof*

"That was weird!" Gasped George.

"Lets just all get some rest! I can't be hearing about the neediness of Aragorn." Grumbled Boromir who had been disturbed by the noise.

"Ahhhh Bless, Boz needs his beauty sleep!" Giggled Emily.

****

"Never before have we clad strangers in the garb of our own people. May these cloaks shield you from unfriendly eyes." Celeborn presented ten cloaks to the Fellowship.

"Mine is too long!" Moaned Emily.

"Mine is too short!" Grumbled George.

"Swap?"

"Definitely!"

After the original Fellowship were presented with their gifts Emily and George began to wonder whether or not they were to receive any pressies.

"I think they have forgotten us!" Emily was leading George to the river to help Legolas ready the boats.

"Or they just don't like us!"

"Hmm... Maybe we should ask, what do you think?"

"Couldn't hurt I suppose." George concluded.

"George is it me or do Merry and Pippin look like they are going to explode?"

"It'll be that Lembas, this only means one thing."

"What?"

"The Lembas commercial! You know, when Legolas goes 'Hey Lembas is grrrrrrreat!' Or something along those lines."

"Frosties are going to sue us now, you do know that right?"

The two teenagers listened awaiting Legolas' lines.

"Lembas. Elvish waybread. One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man."

Merry and Pippin nodded politely, while their stomachs proceeded to churn over the excess of food, which lay slothfully in the pits of their abdomens.

"Right forget helping I want my present!" Pronounced George as he turned in the other direction towards Galadriel's talen.

****    

"You ask first."

"Why me?"

"It was your idea to ask!"

"Fine!" Emily gave in and approached Galadriel. "Hi, I was just wondering, if perhaps you wanted to give George and I some goodies. What do you think?"

"Get the hell out of my forest!" Screamed Galadriel, forgetting her normal Elven valor.

"That's a no then!" Emily retreated.

"Well now that she is gone." George stepped forward, "I would like some TNT, and you are just the person or elf as it were, to supply me with what I need!"

"Well now that you mention it I did get my hands on some quality stuff last week. How I acquired it I will keep to myself but don't you fret master George I will sort something out, Savvy?" replied Galadriel.

George nodded then left and approached his sister who was waiting for him at the bottom of the tree.

"How come you didn't get shouted at?" Whined Emily.

"Did you know that Galadriel was into arms dealing?!"

"Huh?" Was the reply from Emily.

"Never mind, I suppose we had better get in those wooden, rickety, crapply made, tiny, weak and pathetic excuses for boats!"

"You never liked sailing did you?!" Laughed Emily.

"No it's just that I would hate to see you drown!" Quirked George.

****

"I shall be in that boat with three of the Hobbits," Aragorn began. "Boromir, Gimli and the last Hobbit in that one. That leaves Legolas with Emily and George." Aragorn smiled when he saw the smile on Legolas' face drop.

"W...Wh...What did you say?"

"I thought Elves didn't stammer!" Pronounced George.

"Is there a problem?" Inquired Aragorn, as Emily and George clambered into their boat.

Legolas was about to protest when Aragorn began to lip-synch something. Legolas then realized what it was he was saying.

"No problem!" Legolas practically jumped into the boat.

"What's wrong?! Don't you want to share your dream with everyone?!" Aragorn gave a lopsided grin.

Before he could say anything else Legolas had already begun to row away.

"Don't worry Legolas!" Beamed Emily. 

"He told you didn't he!?" Legolas' eyes widened in horror.

Emily grinned in reply.

"Am I missing out on something?" George was confused as the elf looked as if he was just about to jump out of the boat.

"Like I said, don't worry, George and I have a plan, which will wipe that smug look off his face!" 

"We do?!" George was even more confused now.       

****

The boats passed through the Argonath and what would have been a momentous occasion for Emily if she weren't asleep on Legolas' shoulder and drooling like a baby.

"Well it's a wonder you haven't proposed yet! I mean isn't that attractive?!" George was bored and attempted to wake Emily up by prodding her with one of the oars.

"Stop that! Let Lady Emily sleep! If you are bored why don't you do something useful like ROW!"

"I know why don't I teach you some useful phrases?"

"Useful phrases?"

"Well I am sensing a lil' friction between you and sir stinkalot. I am the master of comebacks so next time Ara - I think I am so funny - gorn tries to crack a joke, you your highness will be equipped with the wittiest retort ever heard by anyone on Middle-earth!"

"I am listening."

****

The Fellowship beached and settled down on one side of the great river.

"We cross the lake at nightfall." Aragorn said as he unloaded some supplies from the boats. "Hide the boats and continue on foot. We approach Mordor from the North."

"Oh yes?" Began Gimli. "Just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil an impassible labyrinth of razor sharp rocks. And after that, it gets even better. A festering, stinking..."

"Is he talking about himself?" Groaned George as he dragged Emily out of their boat. While pulling her out he noticed a bag that he hadn't seen before. He peeked inside and saw a collection of explosives. "Ah ha! TNT! Don't you just love Galadriel!" He announced just in time to here Aragorn begin to speak to Gimli.

"That is our road. I suggest you take some rest and recover your strength, Master Dwarf."

"Recover my - - !"

Legolas moved over towards Aragorn, "We should leave now."

"No. Orcs patrol the eastern shore. We must wait for the cover of darkness."

"It is not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near, I can feel it."

Aragorn ignored the elf. Legolas turned to leave but George began to motion to him to carry on.

Legolas turned back to Aragorn, "Well seeing as you are not listening to me, you smell worst than a gorilla's posing pouch, you could grease an engine with your hair and Arwen and I had a fling about two hundred years ago!" He smiled, turned on his heals and walked over to help Emily down from a tree where George had left her. 

Author's conversation:

E: *Why did you put me in a tree* 

G: *Felt like it* 

E: *Makes sense!* 

Back to the story...

Aragorn glared at the back of the elf then turned his attentions to an 'inconspicuous' George who was humming through his teeth.

"That elf has potential!" Beamed George as he smiled at his protégé. "But Legolas, you forgot the part about him looking like a goat! I did like that Arwen part though, did you really have....." George trailed off as he followed Legolas to the tree.

"George where did Frodo go?!" Screamed Emily.

"Oh crap!"

****

A/N: Emily: The next chapter is already written, please review then I will be able to put it up before I go stay with George at Uni next Wednesday

George: Oh yeah I forgot you were coming! Better go do that laundry.


	10. You've been framedblown up!

A/N: George: Another chapter in just two days! Wow aren't we kind? 

Emily: Thank you Thank you Thank you to harukafan80 and ElfAngel5687 you two are the reason this is up so quick.

George: Of course we're not hinting at the fact that the more reviews we get the quicker we write!

Emily: Without further ado here is chapter nine where the fate of Boromir is decided! Ooh suspense! 

Disclaimer: If you want my money and you think I'm sexy sue me. Emily: Please don't sue him; he doesn't own anything, including brain cells.

**Chapter Nine - You've been framed/blown up.******

"I told you watch him!" Yelled George.

"I was asleep!" Screamed Emily. "And some idiot put me in a tree!"

"Well lets hope we find him before Boz does."

"Urm George!"

"What?"

"Speaking of Boromir, WHERE THE HELL IS HE?!"

"Right, Aragorn go find Frodo now, Gimli stay here and baby-sit the hobbits and Emily and I will sort out Boromir."

"Hey! I'm the leader here." Whined Aragorn.

"Shut Up!"

Emily and George went off to find Boromir but stopped when someone cleared their throat.

"What about me?" Asked Legolas.

"You can just stand there and look perfect your royal Legolisousness," swooned Emily.

George groaned and proceeded to drag Emily along with him through the trees.

"I leave Aragorn in charge of my Fellowship for one minute and it all goes to pot!"

"George, when we find Boromir what do we propose to do? I mean it's not as if we can save him? Can we?"

"Of course we can! We are the amazing Emily and George, we can do anything!"

"Right, which includes killing the big, ugly, scary and hairy Uruk by the name of Lurtz, does it?"

"When you put it like that it does sound as if we're screwed, but never fear TNT is here!"

"What?! I thought I told you no more TNT!" Screamed Emily.

"Yes but..."

"No buts! What is it with you and TNT anyway?"

"Listen closely and hear me well,

This story that I am about to tell,

Will clear the mist for all to see,

That the answer to all the questions is TNT.

The lighting of the fuse and the tremendous bang,

Make all in all TNT a marvelous thang...

Emily groaned at George's rhyming technique.

...If the time arises and all is lost,

TNT will save the day no matter the cost,

So keep this song impressed in your mind

When hope is lost TNT you will find!" 

With that George took a bow and retreated into the forest.

"That boy has problems!" Mumbled Emily as she followed him.

****

"Do you hear something?" Remarked Emily.

"Orcs!"

"Don't you know who you sound like?!" Laughed George.

"Isn't that Sam's line?" Smirked Emily throwing George's insult back in his face.

George just gawked for a few seconds.

"They've probably reached Aragorn by now, and Legolas and Gimli will be fighting so that means.....! Oh crapola!" Screamed Emily.

"Merry and Pippin!" George grabbed Emily's arm and started to run towards the sound of a horn.

Emily sped after her brother but being Emily she thought it was a good time to trip on a tree root and fly into George sending the both of them hurtling through the air.

As the pair finally recovered their bearings they were greeted with the sight of Boromir fighting heroically trying to save Merry and Pippin.

"I found him!" Smiled Emily.

"You know I really hate you some times!"

"I would love to exchange pleasantries with you but big old Lurtz is approaching and I fear that time is slowly inching away, so if you'll excuse me, BOROMIR YOU GREAT LUMP! DUCK!"

Out of instinct Boromir ducked and narrowly missed being hit by a black, feather tipped arrow.

"Now what?" Pondered Emily as Lurtz began to string another arrow.

"I have an idea!" Yelped George as a dead Orc fell on him.

"Don't even say it!"

"But...." George was cut off by the need to kick a dozen dead carcasses that had decided that George's form was the best place to sleep forever.

"Ahhh! Think god damn you! O.K. Brain I don't like you after that fiasco with the History exam and you don't like me because of that one time with the weed and the vodka but I think it is time we called a truce, don't you?"

*No*

"What do you mean no?"

*I don't want to help!*

"Now wait a minute you little... I am talking to my brain this cannot get any worse!"

"Well you know what I think." Said George.

"Let me guess TNT!"

"TNT it is then!" He said with a smile.

George reached into the bag Galadriel had given him and tossed the TNT from within to Emily.

"Here we go!" Emily lit the fuse, threw the bundle of dynamite at Lurtz and dived into the forest closely followed by George.

"KKKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I can't hear, my eardrums are ringing!" 

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Shut up!"

Emily and George climbed out of the entangled roots.

"Oh cr....!"

"You killed him!" Said a stunned George.

"Me! It was your TNT."

"Ha ha ha, you blew up Boromir!" George couldn't contain his giggles.

"I didn't blow him up, he's still in one piece!"

"Yeah but the lack of movement is worrying."

"You are not helping! Aragorn will be on his way and .... Where are Merry and Pippin?"

"The Orcs may have mistaken them as luggage" 

"Great so in our attempt to..."

"Your attempt!" Interrupted George.

"In MY attempt to save Merry, Pippin and Boromir I have managed to do nothing except blow up Boromir!"

"Precisely!"

"This is your fault, so much for TNT saving the day!" Emily was in hysterics by now.

George began to back away.

"Oh no you don't, you have got to help me get out of this mess! If the others find out Legolas won't love me anymore!"

"Is that all you think about!"

"Yes!"

"Right I have an idea! You blow them all up! Only joking! Aragorn is on his way, he will lean over the body and begin his speech about boring stuff and then when Legolas and Gimli arrive we jump out and tell them it was Aragorn who killed him!"

"Or not."

"What? You and Legolas wanted revenge on Aragorn, for an unknown reason which by the way I will find out, this is the perfect way to enact your wrath."

"The only reason I am agreeing with this idiotic plan is because it is so idiotic that it can't possibly go wrong."

Emily and George fled behind a tree and awaited Aragorn's arrival.

"You fought bravely, you have kept your honor..."

"Hasn't he realized he is dead?" Asked George.

"Shut up!"

"...Be at peace son of Gondor."

"What happened?" Whimpered Gimli.

"It was he!" Shouted George as he sprung out from behind the tree.

"Did you see Legolas' face? He is so cute!"

"Em you fool, work with me here."

"Oh yeah! It was Aragorn! He blew Boromir up." Chirped Emily.

"We saw him do it. He stole my TNT and blew up good old Boz with it!" Added George.

"Is this true?" Questioned Gimli.

"Of course not. They probably did it!" Screamed Aragorn as he pointed at the two teenagers.

Emily and George pulled their best-shocked looks.

"Come on you don't seriously think it was me?" Aragorn pleaded. "Legolas, who do you trust them or me?!"

"I don't know?"

Emily glanced at Legolas and did her puppy dog eyes.

"He is not going to fall for that," exclaimed Aragorn.

"You told me you would not tell anyone about my dream but you did." Began Legolas, "For now I would place my trust in Lady Emily and Master George." 

"Yes!" George yelled.

Legolas turned to leave to follow Frodo.

"There is no point Legolas, Frodo must go alone and Sam must go with him." Called Emily.

"That didn't make sense." Added George.

"Then we shall find Merry and Pippin, we shall not abandon them to torment and death." Suggested Aragorn.

"I think you'll find we shall rescue them and you, Aragorn, will stay here and think about your actions. No one's safe with you around! And to think Galadriel thought we were the ones who needed looking after!" Laughed George.

"What you can't leave me here, this is your fault." Protested Aragorn.

"I think you'll find we can." Began Emily, "George will teach Gimli how to shave and I will teach Legolas how to use handcuffs!"

"Handcuffs?" Asked Legolas.

"I'm going to throw up!" Yelped George.

Legolas, Gimli, George and Emily set off on the trail of the Uruks, minus Aragorn who was left sitting on a log.

"Typical, I will get those two, how dare they steal my friends, I mean I only have five!" Groaned Aragorn.

"Well if you washed then maybe you would have more!"

"Maybe, Hang on!" Aragorn turned to his right and saw Boromir getting up. "Your alive!"

"Thank you for noticing. Now where are those idiot children, they blew up Lurtz but forgot to warn me sending me flying and knocking me out."

"Lets go!" Called Aragorn.

"Go where?" Boromir looked on in confusion.

"I'll explain on the way."

****

A/N: Emily: I can't believe you blamed me for blowing up Boromir.

George: *grins innocently*

Emily: Ta ra for now. The next chapter in the pipeline is called Holy Shit!

George: You don't want to know!  



	11. Holy Shit

A/N: Emily: I survived Canterbury and George's excuse for a room. Though he did do his laundry,

George: How much crap though did you need to bring. You came for five days and you brought a lorry load of crap!

Emily: It was not crap it was essentials.

George: Yeah whatever!

Emily: Thank to Christian for my phrase of the month. Jenkie Jenkie. Keep the Hobbit spirit alive Dude. Thank you to ElfAngel5687 our most loyal reviewer, and to harukafan80, leather pants eh? That would most definitely work; look out for that in later chapters.

George: *gags*

Disclaimer: We have used so much shit form other things we are going to get sued anyway but hey it's worth a try. We own nothing, nada, zilch!

**Chapter Ten - Holy Shit!******

"George, remember back in the mines when you suggested Quad Bikes were a good idea, you could be on to something." Panted Emily as she and her brother desperately tried to keep up with the elf and the dwarf.

"Lungs need to explode! I haven't run this far since that P.E. Teacher forced me to do twenty laps of the football field! I knew filling her whistle up with washing up liquid was a bad idea. Yeesh! Even Gimli's ahead of us." Gasped George,

Legolas turned round to watch the two teenagers struggle up the hill.

"Come, we are gaining on them."

Legolas and Gimli continued on but stopped suddenly when they heard a low rumbling sound approaching from behind.

"Wo Ho! Quad bikes rule! Keep up guys." Yelled George as he and Emily overtook them on their newly acquired Quad bikes, compliments of the magic bag.

"I don't suppose you want to give me a lift?" Begged Gimli as the bikes sped ahead leaving himself and Legolas behind. "No, didn't think so."

Legolas and Gimli continued on the trail of the Uruk Hai, while Emily and George circled them endlessly trying out new stunts. All unaware of the two humans following closely on their tails.

"I am absolutely knackered!" Stated Emily.

"What? You have not been the one running! Three days and nights pursuit. No food. No rest, and no sign of our quarry but what bare rock can tell." Grumbled Gimli.

"How about I give Gimli a lift and you can teach ponce Leg....I meant PRINCE Legolas how to bike and he can give you a lift, while you, you lazy idiot sleep." Pronounced George. 

"That sounds like a plan!" Exclaimed Emily. "Right, this is the accelerator, it makes the thing move. This is the brake, it makes the thing stop and this is the crotch....."

"Crotch!" Spluttered George.

"....Clutch! I said Clutch! And I have no idea what that does. 

"You don't know what a crotch does!" Laughed George.

"Those are the basics." Finished Emily as she glared at her brother.

"This is going to be the death of me." Sighed Legolas as he reluctantly sat on the bike.

Emily hopped on behind him and soon enough the remaining Fellowship were driving across the plains.

****

"So you are telling that those two idiots managed to frame you!" Laughed Boromir, as he and Aragorn continued their pursuit.

"I don't see what is so funny." Gasped Aragorn.

"Well it is just that the future King of Gondor got tricked by two absent minded retards!" Boromir couldn't hold it in any longer, he fell to the ground in a heap of giggles and snorts.

"Revenge will be mine." Stated Aragorn coldly.

****

Emily wrapped her arms tightly around Legolas' waist, not because she was scared of falling off, but because, well I think we all know the reason why anyone would want to touch the stunning Legolas Greenleaf.

After a few minutes Emily began to get bored, this was not unsual for Emily who has the attention span of half beaten to death, with a newspaper, drunk shrimp. 

'What shall I do?' Thought Emily. 'Legolas' thigh looks lonely.' Her train of thought began to take a disturbing path. 'I bet it's really firm! Lets test out my theory.'

With this Emily placed an 'innocent' hand on the elf's leg, which, much to the surprise and enjoyment of Emily sparked a 'large' reaction in the elf's breeches.

Emily could see Legolas' eyes widen and seeing as both his hands were busy steering the bike she decided he needed a helping hand. With one flick of the wrist Emily's right hand was down the front of Legolas' breeches. 

"HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Emily and Legolas in unison as the Quad Bike veered to the left and collided head on with a tree.

"Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!" Called George.

Legolas, after a few seconds rubbing his forehead climbed off the bike, dragging an unconscious Emily with him.

"What happened?!" Yelled Gimli as he ran over to the tangled mess of metal. "I thought elves were graceful."

"She...She...Hands...Wrong!" Gasped Legolas waving his arms around frantically.

Gimli and George stared on in confusion.

"Hands! She...She..." Legolas turned a strange shade of purple.

"What?" Questioned Gimli.

Legolas continued to change color.

"Why did you crash?" Persisted George.

"I...urm...she...hands. I lost control of the bike." Groaned Legolas finally. He was too embarrassed to admit what Emily had been up to.

"Really?!" Laughed Gimli.

"Yes really." Stated Legolas as he picked up the sleeping Emily and placed her on the other Quad bike.

"Urhhmmttggee!!" Moaned Emily as she began to regain consciousness. "What happened?"

"You don't remember?" Questioned Legolas reluctantly.

"I remember tree and for some weird reason, sausages."

Legolas began to cough violently; this caused George to raise a suspicious eyebrow.

"Why did you and Legolas want revenge on Aragorn?" Asked George.

"Don't you think we should be getting on?" Called Legolas hoping to change the subject.

"Not until I find out what is going on between you two!"

"Us two!" Shrieked Legolas.

"Them two?" Grunted Gimli.

Everyone turned to Emily.

"Urm? Well you see..." Emily looked at Legolas who looked as if he was about to pass out. "Nothing is going on!"

"Nothing?"

"Yes, you know how much I despise Aragorn... Who is running towards us!!!!!!!!"

"Huh?" George spun round to be greeted with the sight of a mad ranger with blood lust in his eyes. 

"I thought Boromir was dead." Said Legolas who was peering at something behind Aragorn.

"He is."

"It would seem not." Added Emily as Boromir came into view.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Roared Aragorn, "Get here you little ratbags, I am going to kill you."

"Help!" Yelped Emily as she jumped behind Legolas.

"Slightly over exaggerating. He not really going to..." George stopped as Aragorn pulled out his sword, "Holy potatoes he's gonna kill us!"

Just as Aragorn was about to remove Emily and George from the story, Boromir jumped in.

"Stop! They saved my life!" He yelled.

"What?" Said Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli.

"We did?" Asked George and Emily.

"You told me they tried to blow you up." Screamed Aragorn.

"You did what?!" Scowled Legolas turning to look at the two teenagers.

"It wasn't quite like that."

"Listen!" Began Boromir, "If they had not used TNT, Lurtz would have killed me!"

"Yeah" shouted Emily.

"But they nearly blew you up!" Protested Aragorn.

"But we didn't! Even though we thought we did." Said Emily.

"What's all this WE business, it was you." Growled George.

"What? This was your fault!"

"Just coz it was my TNT, does not mean it was my fault!"

"I'm confused, who killed who?" Asked Gimli.

"They killed Boromir," stated Aragorn who pointed rudely at Emily and George.

"She killed Boromir," added George.

"You did!"

"But Boromir is not dead." Added Legolas.

"Thanks for noticing." Called Boromir.

"We saved him." Yelled Emily.

"How can you possibly save someone with TNT!" Cried Aragorn.

George smiled and was about to open his mouth but was interrupted by Emily.

"If so much as even hum that stupid TNT song I will remove all aspects of your vocal chords and feed them to a rabid Koala who will get so upset that it will maim you horribly only leaving your trainers, which might I add should have a nuclear zone warning sign on them!"

"I am so confused!" Grunted Gimli.

"Boromir is alive!" Gasped George who was a bit slow on the uptake after recovering from Emily's insult.

"I'm confused now." Groaned Legolas.

"Look, it is quite simple. By accidentally, trying to kill Boromir, we in fact saved him by killing Lurtz, who was going to kill him, if we didn't blow up Lurtz Boromir would be dead and Aragorn wouldn't be trying to kill us now, so in short why the hell did we save Boromir?" Gasped Emily and George in unison.

"That makes sense." Said a rather surprised Boromir.

"It did?"

"No."

"What?"

"Now I am confused." Sighed Emily.

"I am just mildly puzzled!" Grinned George.

"It doesn't matter that they did in fact save him! It matters that they tried to frame me!" Screamed Aragorn.

"With good reason." Muttered Legolas under his breath.

Aragorn continued, "They must be punished!"

"Yay! I have handcuffs!" Giggled Emily.

"You are disturbed!" Groaned George.

"Why do we not just forget about what has happened, forgive Lady Emily and Master George and continue on our quest of rescuing Merry and Pippin." Stated Legolas calmly.

"You gotta love that elf!" Admitted George.

"What! How can you let them get away with this?"

"Relax Aragorn, we wouldn't want you to have a heart attack." Said Emily, in her sincerest voice.

The Fellowship now regrouped and friends again (well most of them), carried on through the night running after the Uruks.

****

"A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night." Pondered Legolas.

"Is he always like this?" Gasped Boromir.

"Since they day I met him! I used to call him 'mister states the obvious.'" Replied Aragorn.

"I heard that."

"You hear everything!" 

The Fellowship paused as the ground began to shake with the footfalls of the riders of Rohan.

****

A/N: Yay Rohan here we come.

The next chapter is being worked on but we think it's going to be called "Nice Horsy!"


	12. Nice Horsy

A/N: George: Emily hasn't done her English coursework! Ha Ha Ha

Emily: yes rub it in. Updates may become slower with both of us facing impending exams!

George: Anyhow thank you to Tidus'luvr99 for reviewing twice! I love you in all your brain-dead glory. He He Thank you!

Emily: And thank you to harukafan80 a returning reviewer! Yay. Don't worry I won't scare him off. What would the fic be without Legolas! *thinks about the quad bike and grins* 

Disclaimers: Emily: What's that?! George: It looks like a ghost! E: Why is it following us? G: It looks like Tolkien! I think his pissed off with us because we nicked his characters! E: Nice ghosty, I promise to give them back when we're finished. G: I think he's leaving now. 

**Chapter Eleven - Nice Horsy!******

The Fellowship crouched behind some large boulders as the company of riders galloped past them.

Suddenly Aragorn sprung up and called out;

"Riders of Rohan what news from the Mark?"

The lead Rider raised his arm and soon the Fellowship was surrounded.

"Yeah, nice one Aragorn." Smirked George.

"What business does an elf, three men, a dwarf and a... A... Woman!" Began the rider.

"Wow! You can tell I'm a woman." Said Emily, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"What business do you have in the Riddermark?" Finished the lead rider who was staring shamelessly at Emily's chest.

"Hi, I'm up here!" Yelled Emily.

Legolas cleared his throat, "Eyes. Up. Now." Legolas was very protective over his 'friend'.

"She's not allowed to date till she is forty elf-boy!" called George.

This snapped the rider out of his daze and he turned sharply to the dwarf who began to speak.

"Give me your name, horse-master, and I shall give you mine."

The rider dismounted and snarled; "I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground."

As quick as lightning Legolas had an arrow notched and was aiming it at the rider's head.

"You would die before your stroke fell!"

"Aye! Avast!" Added Emily who was stuck in the wrong film.

Spears grew closer and George got an unfortunate prod in the rear.

"Owww! My arse, compensation, this butt is Godly, world renowned!"

"That sounded gay." Emily laughed, she turned to the man holding the spear near Legolas' head, "If you touch one hair on my elf's head I will disembowel you!"

The man slowly drew his spear back without hesitation

"Muppet," added George as he pulled Legolas' bow down.

Aragorn who could see the situation escalating out of control, began the introductions.

"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Gloin, Boromir of Gondor and Legolas of the woodland realm."

"Look at that jaw line," swooned Emily.

"I am George the wise, King of England and this is Emily, Queen of Orlando." George took a graceful bow and poked his sister forcing her to fall into a curtsy, "We are from the other realm."

"We are friends of Rohan and Theoden, your King." Stated Aragorn.

"Theoden no longer recognizes friend from foe. Not even his own kin." Satisfied with the names the rider removed his helmet.

"Look it's Eomer! Hey how you doing mate? Is Eowyn still as fine as ever!?" Cried George.

"Do I know you?"

"Not yet, but you will."

Eomer shrugged his shoulders, "Saruman has poisoned the mind of the King and claimed lordship over these lands. My company are those loyal to Rohan and for that, we are banished."

"Bummer!" Remarked Emily.

"The White wizard is cunning. He walks here and there, they say as an old man hooded and cloaked. And everywhere his spies slip past our nets."

This last sentence was directed in the elf's direction.

"My elf is not a spy!" Exclaimed Emily.

"I am not YOUR elf," snapped Legolas.

"That's not what you said in that pesky dream of yours," replied Emily with a huge grin plastered on her face.

Legolas soon shut up but not before muttering, "It was more like a nightmare."

"We are no spies. We track a party of Uruk-Hai westward across the plain. They have taken two of our friends captive." Stated Aragorn.

"The Uruks are destroyed. We slaughtered them during the night." Said Eomer as he lowered his head in what could have been interpreted as shame.

The conversation continued but Emily was oblivious to it, her brain had gone off to far and distant lands namely planet Orlando.

Dream sequence:

Legolas and Emily skipping hand in hand through a field of roses, Legolas begins to sing 'Your Song' to her while he removes his tunic...

"Urm Em?" Asked George who was the one person that had noticed the absent look on his sister's face, "What up?"

Emily started to ramble an excuse; "Do you reckon I could hit that birds nest with this apple?"

"No."

"I wasn't going to do it but it's a thought isn't it?" She pondered.

"You are strange!"

"Do you reckon Aragorn could?"

"Probably not, but Legolas, now he definitely could."

"How about Gimli?"

"Well he has a distinct disadvantage, with him being lacking in altitude and all."

"What about if he was on Frodo's shoulders?"

"I'm not sure if I want to answer that."

"Do you think you two could pay attention!" Growled Aragorn interrupting the strange and lack of workings that were those of Emily and George's minds.

"What did we miss?" George turned to see the riders galloping off. "Didn't they say they were to ride north?"

"Yes." Came the simple answer from the simple Boromir.

"Then why are they riding east?"

"Master George has a point." Pointed out Legolas.

Aragorn sighed.

"We have been given two horses and there are six of us. Seeing as you two know what happens and are supposed geniuses I was hoping that you would give us some council."

"Let me see," begun George. "Aragorn and Gimli can ride one horse, Boromir and I the second horse and Emily and her elf the third one!"

"Firstly, I am not her elf and secondly, what third horse?" Said Legolas with all the composure he could muster.

"That one," announced Emily as Shadowfax presented himself.

"Excuse me gentlemen," said George as he pulled his sister to the side.

"What are you doing? I thought you were going to get a horse from your bag."

"But its such a pretty pony...Horse!" Replied Emily.

"Yes but its Gandalf's pretty horse!"

"Look Gandalf is in the big scary forest and anyway Shadowfax likes me I feed him cookies!" She smiled.

"I thought the cookies were for the reviewers?"

"They seem to prefer hugs from Legolas."

The teenagers returned to the group.

"That is one of the Mearas unless my eyes are cheated by some spell." Said Legolas softly. 

"How did you come by that horse?!" Grumbled Boromir.

"Don't address Shadowfax as 'that horse' I mean show some decorum!" Protested Emily.

The fellowship mounted their horses.

"Emily, isn't Shadowfax a boy?" Asked George sounding slightly bemused.

"Of course you goon."

"Are you sure? Because he is missing something quite important for the whole, 'to be considered male' deal."

"Don't be so stupid of course he has got a..." Emily gasped. "What did you do with it?!"

"Huh?!"

"You stole it!"

"How the hell do you steal a horses... On second thoughts don't answer that."

"Shall I explain?" Asked Legolas who was holding onto Emily so she would not fall off Shadowfax in her quest for the missing manhood.

Emily, on the subject of manly parts began to remember an incident involving sausages and trees. With this her mind began to wonder... again.

Dream sequence:

Emily and Legolas are in a bath full of strawberries and cream. Legolas feeds her while whispering sweet nothings.

George disturbed Emily's dream, "Yes we would love to be enlightened!"

Emily came back to earth with a bump but not before mumbling "Yum!"

"What!" Yelled George.

"Nothing just strawberries!" She sighed. "Please continue."

"You said that this journey was made into a film, so, could it be that the director..."

"Peter Jackson."

"...Could it be that Peter Jackson used a female horse instead of a male one and since, that is the only image you have it has imprinted on your minds?" Finished the elf.

"And who said blondes were stupid?!" Grinned Emily who was a fellow blonde.

"I am still on the fact that I have the absence of a horse's scrotum imprinted in my mind!" Moaned George.

The Fellowship arrived at a pile of Uruk-Hai carcasses.

"Vomit becoming an issue!" Sulked Emily. 

****

A/N: Emily: Thank you to my bestest buddy Lauren 'Queen of Smut' for noticing the lack of manhood on Shadowfax in The Two Towers.

George: What was with the dream sequences?

Emily: Sorry couldn't resist! Chapter twelve might take a while, as we seem to have hit a bump in the road as to the reappearance of Gandalf.

George: Everything we find funny about it no one else seems to! Funny ol' world innit?  



	13. Gandalf the Pink

A/N: Hello to all!!!!!!!!!!

Emily: I have just found a scrumptious piccie of Legolas with his crown on! Heart-breakingly beautiful! *swoons and falls over*

George: Whatever! Thank you to NiphrediL-GED, sucks about your modem. Thank you as ever for your reviews.

Emily: And a thank you to Tidus'luvr99 another loyal reviewer. I love sugar highs I had one on Friday and apparently I tried to climb into a pizza box – (This I don't remember but this could be due to the rum I had consumed earlier.)

Disclaimer: I think every company we have ripped off wants to sue us so it is time to beg. Please don't sue us, please, we own absolutely nothing!!!!!!!!!

**Chapter twelve - Gandalf the Pink.******

Whatever trace of hope that was left was quickly place in a sack and thrown off the nearest bridge when Gimli dug out one of the hobbits' wee belts from the pile of burning Uruk flesh.

"Hiro hyn hîdh ab 'wanath." Whispered Legolas.

"Must hug." Gasped Emily.

"We failed th...AH Mmmm!" Mumbled Gimli as George strolled passed 'accidentally' knocking the dwarf into the pile.

George jumped off the bridge, grabbed the sack of hope and reopened it;

"They are still alive!"

"What?!" Beamed Boromir.

"Aragorn, where do you belong?" Asked George.

"This is no time for someone to start lecturing me about being King!" Grunted Aragorn.

"No. I mean what are you good at?"

Emily raised an eyebrow.

Aragorn stood puzzled.

"Yeesh! Humans!" Sighed George. This remark earned a smirk from Legolas. "Aragorn you are a ranger! You belong with the nature!"

"He means you belong in the dirt." Smiled Emily.

Aragorn looked down.

"A hobbit lay here." He began.

"Bingo!!" 

"And the other. They crawled. Their hands were bound. Their bonds were cut!" Aragorn picked up some rope. His voice had hope in it and he looked around more frantically.

"George I am worried." Said Emily.

"The hobbits are fine!" 

"Not about the hobbits. About my bladder!"

"Is this really the conversation you want to be having right now." Groaned George.

"Answer me this. Have you ever, in the entire time we have been here, needed to go to the toilet?"

"Now you come to mention it, no!"

"What's going on?!" Yelped Emily.

"Well it must be because we are in a fanfic."

"Huh?"

"When was the last time you read a fanfic or watched a movie where the lead character goes to the toilet?"

"Not ever that I can remember."

"Point proved! You won't need to go to the toilet, pluck your eyebrows, shave your underarms, wax you legs and bikini..."

"That's enough now!!" Screamed Emily.

"Fangorn forest." Finished Aragorn.

Emily and George found themselves looking up at dense, dark mass of tangled trees.

"Alan (Ground Force Dude) Titmarsh anyone?" Remarked George.

****

"Orc blood!" Spat Gimli.

"Urch! How do you know that? I would hate to find out what pizza topping you like." Gulped Emily.

"These are strange tracks." Murmured Aragorn.

"I think he's getting the hang of that!" Chirped Boromir.

"I'm starting to like you big B." Smiled George.

"The air is so close in here." Observed Gimli.

"This forest is old. Very old." Sighed Legolas.

"Evacuate the forest. Retreat! Follow the exit signs!" Babbled Emily.

"Um... You guys carry on I'll sort this moppet out." Grinned George.

The Fellowship just nodded.

"What is your problem?"

"He's coming back!"

"Who?"

"Gandalf!"

"And?"

"I have visions of him with an axe doing impressions of the dad from 'The Shinning.' You know - Heeerrrreee's Gandalf!" Said Emily all jittery.

"You have issues! Look he is a good guy."

"That's what he wants you to think but really he is one scary buttmunch."

"So he is just waiting to become all evil then!" Sighed George.

"Yes. Just like Legolas."

"How did Legolas come into this?"

"He is evil."

"Huh?"

"You just have to look into his eyes. You can see it. One day he is going to get sick of being perfect and snap."

"No more Discovery channel for you missy!"

"I am being serious."

"So am I, those documentaries you watch are freakish! Look if I promise to stop Gandalf if he attempts to do a bad impression of 'The Shinning' will you carry on?"

"I suppose so."

"Full of memory and anger." Legolas' eyes searched the forest as he saw Emily and George rejoin the group. "The trees are speaking to each other."

"Gimli, lower your axe." Snapped Aragorn to a startled dwarf.

"Aragorn,_ nad no ennas_!" Called Legolas as he moved forward.

"For those of us who don't speak Elvish?" Snorted Boromir.

"Shut up! I love it when Legolas speaks Elvish, isn't he dreamy?" Swooned Emily.

"If you say so!" Grumbled Boromir.

"_Man cenich_?" Aragorn asked. 

"The White wizard approaches." Answered Legolas.

Emily let out a small whimper as a white light appeared and despite the Fellowships best efforts their weapons were no use against the wizard.

"You are tracking the footsteps of two young hobbits." Spoke the wizard in a robotic voice.

"Where are say?" Shouted Aragorn shielding his eyes from the harsh light.

"Mummy! I want my mummy!" Squealed Emily.

"I am here for you Lady Emily, do not be afraid." Whispered Legolas placing a hand on her shoulder.

If Emily had not been comatosed she might have used this delightful opportunity to secure a relationship with the pleasant elf, but instead she stood there with her mouth open like a fish with a broken jaw.

"They passed this way. The day before yesterday." Answered the wizard with a tinge of joy. "They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?"

Stupid questions deserved stupid answers;

"Yes master!"

A/N: Emily: Now there is stupid and then there is stupid but that was just bizarre. Did you write that bit George?

G: I think you'll find that 'yes master' is a piece of literary genius!

E: Urm...Yes I am sure Tolkien would be proud. OK back to Aragorn!

"Who are you? Show yourself!" Bellowed the ranger.

Gandalf stepped forward leaving the Fellowship in shock and Emily gripping onto her elf.

"Yo! Gandalf, I know you went through the whole transformation of becoming Gandalf the White, but was painting your nails really necessary?" Asked George.

Gandalf began to blush.

"I shall call him Gandalf the Pink and he shall be mine! And he shall be my Gandalf!" Smiled George.

"If I agree to no more Discovery channel then you are not allowed to watch Finding Nemo!" Cringed Emily ay her brother's inane way of quoting his favorite film.

Gandalf, finally picking up his dignity said, "One stage of your journey is over. Another begins. We must ride to Edoras with all speed."

Gandalf began to whistle for Shadowfax.

"I do not understand Shadowfax always..." Gandalf stopped when he saw Emily trying to look inconspicuous next to the very conspicuous white horse. "That is my horse!"

"Was your horse. I have commandeered it." Grinned Emily.

Gandalf's face tightened, "You have what?!"

"Em, about Gandalf being evil!" Snapped George.

"Give me Shadowfax now!" Boomed Gandalf.

"What do I get in return?"

"A slap!" Coughed George.

"Fine Fine have the horse, but remember to give him cookies three times a day!" Pouted Emily.

"YOU CHILD ARE AN ANNOYANCE!" Screeched Gandalf.

****

A/N: Time to go to Rohan!!!!!!!!!

Emily: One problem, we need to actually write the next chapter for us to get to Rohan.

George: Good point!

Emily: Sorry guys but the next chapter may take some time but hopefully it will be worth the wait. I am doing my GCSE's this year and the teachers decided to give us all our coursework at the last minute so I'm a bit snowed under at the mo.

George: And what with this pesky degree I am studying writing is becoming a bit slower, but never fear because we have already planned what is going to happen so it's just a case of finding time to write and post. I'm sure a few reviews wouldn't hurt to speed up the proceedings!

Emily: Review Whore!


	14. Alone at Last

A/N: E: Good Evening loyal readers. Today is the day where Liz 'lil' smartass' is written into the story for the pure reason of taking the complete p**s out of her. Do not worry she will not be offended (well, not much) as she is a friend of mine and is used to this treatment.

Hey to Voyd! TNT equals major fun. The piccie of Legolas in hi crown was from theorlandobloomfiles.net or com can't really remember!

George: See Em, Vody thinks 'yes master' is a piece of literary genius! It shall be quoted for all the age of Middle-earth!

Emily: *grumble, grumble*

George: Hey Tidus'luvr99, I love nemo!

Emily: Nemo lame!!!!!!! Anyway, Sorry to NiphrediL-GED for the shortness of the last chapter, I hope this one is slightly longer, oh and I am never busy enough to ignore returning reviewers needs and shall be reading your story as soon as I have posted this!

Disclaimer- I know nothing about the kidnapping of Legolas!

**Chapter Thirteen - Alone at last**

"This is you're fault!" grumbled Legolas kicking at a rock as he waited for Emily to catch up.

"Excuse me?!" protested Emily.

"If it was not for you stealing Shadowfax, Gandalf would not have got angry and made you walk to Edoras!" Continued the elf.

"He made you walk as well!"

"Only because he did not want you traveling alone."

"Ahh Bless! Scared about the damage that could be done to me!" Smirked Emily.

"More like the damage that you could do!"

"Quit bitching! It's all right for you; you've got that whole never tire thing! I still don't see why you won't let me conjure up a Quad bike."

Legolas raised both eyebrows in horror; "No Quad bikes! Do you not remember what happened last time?!"

"No! Because some idiot could not control what was between his legs and crashed into a tree. I mean the Quad bike not anything else that might happen to be in between your legs. Not that I think about what is in between your legs, because that would not be right," Emily was now rambling, "but now I come to think about it I suddenly remember the distinct images of sausages when that bike ride comes to mind! Why I do not think I will ever find out unless you would care to tell me, but that must just be me being stu…"

"Stop!" yelped Legolas, "Urm I think it is time we stopped for the night." He finished, regaining his composure.

"I thought elves didn't need to rest?"

"We do not. However, humans do. You look half dead."

"I will take that as a compliment seeing as you noticed."

Outside Edoras…

"Tell me again why we are not going in?" Asked George.

"For the fifth time, we are waiting for Legolas and Emily." Answered the weary ranger.

"Which leads me to my next question," began George. "Why?"

"Because we need to enter as a Fellowship. We are a team!" Replied Aragorn.

"You sounded like a cheerleader then." Laughed Boromir, who had been taking sarcasm lessons from George.

"Then why in all that is holy did we leave then behind in the first place!?" Yelled the impatient teenager.

"To teach them a lesson!" bellowed Gandalf.

"Well it was hardly Legolas' fault was it?!"

"I could not leave her on her own!"

"Yes but why Legolas? That is like leaving me alone with Sarah Michelle Geller!"

George's point was lost on the rest. He let out a long sigh.

"We have to wait for a valuable member of the Fellowship!" Huffed the Dwarf.

"Em is not that valuable."

"I meant Legolas!"

"Oh! Someone has a crush!"

Night camp, one mile from Edoras…

"Stop fidgeting!"

"I am an elf, I can assure you I do not fidget."

"Then what is that by my feet?!"

Emily peered down to find a small round ball of fur snuggling up against her feet.

"RAT!"

Emily jumped a good two feet into the air, squealing and yelping giving the rat adequate time to find somewhere else to sleep.

Legolas laughed.

"Fine laugh at me! It not as if I cold, tired and lonely." Pouted Emily.

"Lonely?" Questioned Legolas.

"I always get lonely when George is far away. Despite him being a brat of a brother sometimes he is also my best friend! Great, now I am becoming all gushy and sentimental! This is your fault."

"Me! How?"

"Well there is no one else to blame so you will have to do."

"Come here." Beckoned Legolas.

"Why?"

"Because you are cold and lonely and I am warm and companionable. Do you see the connection?"

"Do not patronize me elf-boy! I'm only doing this so I can get some sleep. It has nothing to do with the fact that I happen to like you quite a lot."

"You like me a lot?" Smirked Legolas.

"Like that is not obvious!"

"So what exactly do you like about me then?"

"Drop it!"

The next morning outside Edoras…

"I can see them. Look!" cried George as Legolas and Emily appeared over the horizon. 

George grabbed his sister and hugged her until a loud crack was heard.

"My rib! You twit!" Whimpered Emily.

"Whoops, I just missed you that's all."

Emily wrinkled her nose and turned away.

"Do not worry, she missed you too." Whispered Legolas.

"Edoras and the Golden Hall of Meduseld. There dwells Theoden, King of Rohan whose mind is overthrown." Stated Gandalf.

"How do you overthrow a mind? Do you have to under throw it first?" Questioned George.

"I stand bemused at that question!" Pondered Emily.

The Fellowship passed through the paths of Edoras. Gandalf had told them not to expect any welcome but that did not discourage George from insisting to shake everyone's hand he passed.

"Hi, nice to meet you. Hey how you doing? Whassup me man?! Yo dude!"

"Could you please refrain from doing that?" Muttered Aragorn.

"You'll find more cheer in a graveyard!" Scoffed the Dwarf.

"Especially when you are loaded up on Rum at Halloween!" Giggled Emily remembering the occurrences of the previous year's festivities on all Hallows eve.

They made their way up the stairs of the great hall only to be halted by Hama, one of the King's guards.

"I cannot allow you before Theoden King so armed, Gandalf Greyhame. By order of Grima Wormtongue."

Gandalf gave the nod to indicate the giving up of weapons. This earnt a groan from the men, gulps from the two teenagers, a grunt from the Dwarf and a smirk from the elf.

"I think someone likes using their bare hands!" Coughed Emily.

The Fellowship entered the hall and began to make their way towards the ineffectual King.

"He looks like he could do with some Anti-freeze!" Yelled Emily as she proceeded to spray the entire contents of a bottle retrieved from her bag over everyone in the room.

Aragorn began to choke.

"Urm Em are you sure that's Anti-freeze?" Asked George slightly worried about the strange shade of green the Ranger was turning.

"Of course it's Anti-fre… Oh no wait, it's definitely perfume! You're not allergic are you Aragorn?" Smirked Emily. 

Gandalf intervened; "The courtesy of your hall is some what lessened of late, Theoden King."

"Why should I welcome you Gandalf Stormcrow?" Asked the withered King.

"Because he is Gandalf the pink and you should honor him!" Bellowed George from behind a pillar.

"Do you think I should hide behind a pillar Legolas? Because those guys over there do not look too friendly!" Yelped Emily.

"Do not fear Lady Emily I will look after you. (A.N: Shameless writing from the authoress! In her dreams!)" Answered the elf that stood proud and fearless.

A black robed creep of a man rose and started a stuttered walk towards Gandalf.

"Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. Lathspell I name him…"

"Ozzy Osbourne's really let himself go!" Grinned George.

"…Ill news is an ill guest." Finished Grima.

"Be silent! Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth!" Snapped the wizard.

"Go Gandalf, go Gandalf." This cheer was brought to you by the comedy stylings of Emily and George who are set to perform at a bar near you, coming soon!

"Ooooh a fight!" Stated George as the Fellowship began to pound on the ratty men that had been looking rather shifty throughout this encounter.

"Theoden son of Thengal, too long have you sat in the shadows." Began Gandalf.

"Argh! Big man about to strangle…urh…blah…" Just as Emily was about to pass out her knight in shining armor came to save… oh no hang on a sec, Aragorn came to her aid.

"Damn you Legolas! So much for protecting me. Now I owe Mr. Stinky one!" Gagged Emily.

"Bit busy right now. Sorry!" Apologized Legolas all the while delivering a beautiful back hander to one of Grima's cronies.

"I release you from the spell." Whispered Gandalf.  

The King sneered and let out a ragged laugh; "You have no power here Gandalf the GREY!"

Gandalf ripped of his outer grey cloak to reveal his true colour. In case you're wonder his robes were white and not in fact pink as George seems to think.

"What a great advert for Daz!" Gazed Emily in awe.

"Will you shut up to foolish child!" Hollered Gandalf.

Emily let out a whimper and hid behind Legolas.

"Do you always have to shout at her?!" Roared Legolas, now strangely protective over Emily.

"What's this an elf defying a wizard?!" Sniggered Boromir.

"Urm…Now perhaps not the best time for sarcasm Boz." Whispered George watching the staring contest going on between Legolas and Gandalf.

Finally the wizard admitted defeat against the commanding resolute gaze of the elf.

"You're my dreamboat." Gushed Emily.

"I will draw you Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound." Said Gandalf concentrating on the job at hand.

"If I go Theoden dies." 

This did not dissuade the wizard and soon the King was free of Saruman. A lady in white rushed in to the room.

"Eowyn, my Love!" Gasped George as he swept her off her feet.

"Do I know you?" She asked slightly bemused.

"You will." He smiled and then continued to drawl out words of love and devotion.

"Why don't you ever say those things to me?" Sniggered a pouting Legolas. 

This was answered by a prod in the ribs by Emily.

All of a sudden a clatter was heard as the King dropped his sword; "Where is Theodred? Where is my son?"

****

All were at the funeral of Theodred except one.

"I never liked funerals." Muttered Emily.

"Psst!"

"Who's there?"

"Down here!" (A/N: Slight dig at the fact that the real Liz is only 4ft tall.)

Emily looked down.

"Liz! What? How? What?"

"Three excellent questions. I'm in hiding! Quick come with me."

Liz dragged Emily into a nearby stable

"From what?" Asked Emily.

"Well since you buggered off I had no ones Maths to copy so I didn't do my coursework and now Mrs. Hunt is on the war path!"

"And you thought what? Hey she'll never look for me on Middle-earth!"

"This is Middle-earth?"

"Well, duh!"

"As in Lord of the Rings Middle-earth?"

"No as in Frankie goes to Hollywood Middle-earth. Of course Lord of the Rings you cretin! Liz? Eliza…"

Emily looked down to find Liz passed out on the floor.

"Great! Now I am going to have to drag her body to someone who actually cares."

Before Emily could formulate a genius plan with map, diagrams and catapults to rid herself of Liz Gandalf and Aragorn, who were discussing something about the fifth day, interrupted her.

Emily who had not yet been noticed got an attack of boredom. She loitered behind Gandalf and Shadowfax getting up to something until Legolas walked in and pulled her out of the way as Gandalf sat himself upon the mighty Shadowfax.

"What is that in your hand?" Asked Legolas.

"A stapler." Replied Emily with a simplicity that she could only manage. Before Legolas got the chance to question her anymore Gandalf spurred Shadowfax and a terrific rip was heard.

Emily had stapled Gandalf's robes to the stable wall. Gandalf was left riding off into the distance completely starkers.

"Scarred. For. Life." Was all Emily could utter before joining Liz in a heap on the floor.

****

Edoras was set to empty the next day. The Fellowship were shown to their individual rooms and Liz was dragged to the healing rooms, as Eowyn had insisted being unconscious for over five hours was not a good sign. 

****

"Bed, check. Clean clothes, check. Bath, check. Naked elf by the name of Legolas, no where in sight!"

Emily wondered around her newly acquired room in a state of pure boredom.

*Right come on brain. We need to find something to do otherwise we'll end up getting into trouble. *

*I thought I made it perfectly clear that I don't want anything more to do with you! *

*Pleeeeeeeaaaaaassssssseeeeeeeeee! *

*No*

*****Can't we call a truce? *

*What do I get out of it? *

*I promise never to drink vodka ever again. *

*Liar. *

*Ok Ok, I urm… I… promise to listen to you at all times. *

*Really?! *

*Yep. *

*Are you sure about that? *

*Of course. *

*Ok I have an idea. *

*You do?! *

*Of course I do, I'm a brain! *

*Oh! *

*I think Legolas would look good with blue hair. *

*Excuse me?! *

*What? A bit of colour would do him good. *

*No way. *

*You promised. *

*Yeah but that's just ludicrous! *

*No it's not, it is genius. *

*Are you sure? *

*Duh! I'm a brain! I am always sure. *

*Fine, but if this goes wrong I am calling off the truce. *

*Excellent. *

*What did you say?! *

*Nothing, just get on with it. *

So Emily finished her conversation with her brain and began her journey through the countless corridors and rooms that led to Legolas' chambers.

*Now be really quiet. * Began Emily's brain.

"Ssssshh! I can't think with you talking all the time!"

*You can't think without me anyway! *

Emily snuck in and gazed at the sleeping elf.

*We will have to get him to sleep with his eyes closed when we are married. That's really creepy. *

Taking special care not to make any noise Emily got underway with her hairdressing techniques.

*Is it supposed to do that? *

"Do what?" Whispered Emily.

*Turn pink. *

"It's not turning pi… Oh crap it's turning pink! What do I do?!"

*What you asking me for? *

"Because you're my brain, you cretin!"

*Well if you're going to call me names! Fine, fine, I have an idea. *

"You do?!"

*Don't start that again! *

"Sorry, this idea then?"

*RUN! *

With this Emily was out the door. It took Emily and her brain over three hours to get back to her room where she promptly fell asleep, tortured by restless dreams of a pink haired Legolas refusing to marry her.    

****

George: We said the update would take ages last time but Em had a sudden surge of excitement and could not stop writing this chapter, so cookies for Em. It may have been due to the wonderful reviewers!!!!

Emily: Saying that I have worn my typing fingers out so I may need some extra time to churn my part of the next chapter out. However, it does have a name "Taking the blame". Hope you enjoyed this one. Oh, and don't worry I will cause lil'smartass lots more pain and suffering until I decide to dispose of her!

  



	15. Taking the blame and missing home

A/N: George: Hello people of fandom, and how are all we?

Emily: George is coming home for Easter this Friday so me in very good mood! Hence this chapter being posted today!

G: Well it's nice to be appreciated once in a while!

E: The thank yous to our reviews will be at the end of the chapter.

Disclaimer: Did you quote again?! No! Then why is it suing us?!

                   We own nothing!

****

**Chapter fourteen - Taking the blame and missing home.**

The main hall was bustling with people readying themselves for the journey to Helm's Deep. Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli and George were all sat round one of the tables staring perplexedly at the bowls in front of them.

"Is it safe to eat?" Questioned George as he prodded the glowing substance.

"Anything that is congealed and orange cannot be edible!" Gulped Boromir.

"How's the porridge?" Chirped Eowyn who had come over all giggly ever since George's arrival.

 "Urm… its… well what can you say? It… urm…"

"Wonderful darling!" Mediated George, saving the stuttering Boromir.

"Oh good." She chuckled as she moved away.

"Even Gimli is thinking twice about eating it." Laughed Aragorn.

Gimli was about to grunt something when Emily entered looking very pale.

"Are you all right Em? You look a bit ill." Asked her concerned brother.

"I'm fine I just couldn't sleep, that's all." Gulped Emily.

"Why? Guilty conscience or something?" Laughed Boromir.

"What?! You can't prove anything. I'm innocent!"

"I… was just joking." Boromir shifted down the bench to let the flustered looking Emily sit down.

"Soooooooo anyone heard if Liz is awake yet?" Began Emily hoping to detract attention from herself.

"Last I heard she was gallivanting around the halls crying out Aragorn's name. See I told you she liked you." Smiled George directing he's last statement to the ranger.

"What's the deal with this girl anyway?" Asked Boromir. "I mean anyone who looks like the female equivalent to Gimli, has the personality of David Brent (Dude from the ever so wonderful office in case you are wondering) and fancies Aragorn has to have some kind of childhood trauma."

"Slightly harsh!" Yelped Emily.

"Harsh but fair." Chuckled George. "Anyway why are you standing up for her?"

"You're right! She tried to give out spoilers in her reviews! Down to the depths with that muttonhead…" Emily paused to find everyone had lost interest in her and were gazing towards the door. In fact not a sound was to be heard in the entire hall. Emily turned very slowly towards the door.

"Oh my…" pronounced George very slowly.

Emily was greeted with the sight of a pink haired Legolas who had yet to look in the mirror. (A/N: George: That's surprising!)

"What?" Asked a confused Legolas.

A sea of gawping faces was all he was answered with.

"You lot didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs did you? Come on guys! Lady Emily what is going on?" Legolas pleaded.

"Maybe… you should… urm… think about… maybe washing… urm… your hair maybe..!" She squeaked.

"My hair?!" Legolas strode over to a basin of water and peered at his reflection. If anyone could have seen his face at this point in time they would have seen a look of sheer mortification, then the look of distress finished off with a bit of homicidal maniac.

The elf slowly turned around and glared at the table occupied by the Fellowship. The dwellers shifted uncomfortably in their seats unable to hold the elf's stare.

Finally, after what seemed liked hours Legolas spoke, "Who. Did. This? And what are their final words?"

Aragorn looked at Gimli, Gimli looked at Boromir, Boromir turned to George and George raised an eyebrow at Emily who looked at her trembling fingers.

"Tell me now!" Roared the elf.

At this point when Emily was just about to break down and confess all Liz walked in.

"Have you seen Aragorn?" She chirped.

"It was she!" Yelped Emily pointing frantically.

"Huh?"

Legolas turned to look at Liz. Not helping her situation Liz began to laugh.

"Nope that colour still doesn't match your eyebrows!"

"And the homicidal look is in this spring." Muttered George.

"You did this." Began Legolas.

"Me!? Who told you that?"

Legolas looked at Emily, who looked at George, who grinned at Boromir, who nodded at Aragorn, who prodded Gimli, who pointed at his porridge. Emily looked at George again pleading him with her eyes to do something. George rose.

"I think we all know what happened here. While we were all sleeping, that includes Emily, Liz here went gallivanting off to find Aragorn. When she couldn't find him she got bored and played this awful awful prank on the unsuspecting Legolas."

"I did?" Asked Liz looking very confused.

"That'll teach you to drink more than you can handle!" Stated Emily.

"I drank last night?"

"Exactly!" Ended George.

"It is just like the time when you got sooo drunk that you tried to put your bra on my Legolas."

Legolas coughed violently.

"OH NO! Not you my cardboard cut-out Legolas in my room." Explained Emily.

"Can I kill her now?" Asked Legolas coldly.

"As much as I would not lament being rid of her I'm afraid not. However, she should not go unpunished." Emily pulled out some handcuffs from her pocket and stared poignantly at Gimli who had started on the porridge.

****

The final preparations were being made as Emily helped Legolas wash the pink dye out of his hair.

"Is it coming out?" Gulped Legolas.

"Surprisingly yes! Although you did look cute with it in."

"I'll ignore that comment."

Meanwhile…

"I don't see why I am the one that has to be handcuffed to her." Grunted Gimli as he dragged Liz along while following George.

"Look it makes sense. Legolas would end up killing her. Aragorn she likes. Boromir is a friend and I would not impose this girl onto any of my friends, hence you my dear Gimli being left with the challenge."

"…"

"What was that Gimli?" Sniggered George.

****

At long last the people of Edoras and the Fellowship were ready to leave for Helm's Deep.

About an hour into the journey George dragged Emily out earshot of anyone or any elf that might hear.

"Explain!"

"It was an accident."

"How do you accidentally dye someone's hair pink!?" Yelled George slightly too loudly for Emily's comfort.

"When you are trying to dye it blue."

"Blue! Normally I would be surprised but it being you I can't even find it in me to gasp. Are you sure we are related?"

Emily looked at her feet.

"Hey! Don't get soppy it doesn't matter. In fact it cheered up a rather dreary breakfast. You haven't experienced Eowyn's cooking yet have you?"

"Thank you for getting Liz to take the blame."

"Anything for my baby sis!" George hugged Emily tightly.

"Do you think Mum and Dad are looking for us?" Asked Emily.

"Knowing Mum she's probably got the whole planet looking for us!"

"Shame it's the wrong planet." Laughed Emily.

"Your elf is looking for you." Said George letting go of his sister as Legolas approached looking very apprehensive. (A/N: E: He loves me!)

"Remember when you said the only person you would let me date without breaking his legs was Legolas Greenleaf?"

"That was when I thought he didn't exist so before you ask NO!"

"But he does look cute when he…"

"OK swooning over! Now go flee before me and remember, no dating till you're forty!" Yelled George as he left Emily and Legolas on their own.

"Are you all right Lady Emily?"

"Fine now that you are here." She gushed.

Legolas smiled, "You have not fallen out with your brother have you?"

"No No, we were just talking about Mum and Dad."

"You miss them." Stated Legolas.

"I'm a bit more worried about what they'll do to us if we ever get back."

"Do you want to go back?" Asked Legolas reluctantly.

"Are you kidding?! No power on this earth or any earth may it be top, middle or bottom could make me go back!"

"I am pleased, for there are a few here that would be sad to see you go."

"Would that include you Master Greenleaf?" Smiled Emily.

"Not saying a word." He sang back before running off with Emily in chase. 

After taking over the group of trekkers Legolas abruptly stopped, Emily being the graceful creature that she is ran straight smack bang into the back of the elf.

"Warn me next time!" Yelped Emily rubbing her nose. When Legolas did not answer she peered round his solid form (A/N: E: He He He).

"They would be wargs wouldn't they?!" Whimpered Emily.

"Run! Tell Aragorn and stay with the women and children." Shouted Legolas. When Emily didn't make any attempt to move he shouted more loudly, "Quickly! Now!"

Eventually getting the message she began to run towards Aragorn waving frantically and gurgling slightly.

"Emily, what is it?" Asked Aragorn.

"W…wa…wa…hairy…teeth…war…w…w…w…"

"Leave this to me." Said George as he began to shake his sister violently. "Sprechen Sie English?"

"WARGS!"

"See I knew I'd find out, there are wargs coming. There are Wargs coming?! Holy Moley! Quick action stations!"

The riders of Rohan mounted their steeds. 

"Emily, where are the keys?" Growled Gimli as he desperately tried to mount Arod with Liz still attached to his wrist.

"Oh no you don't! I'm commandeering that horse!" 

Emily mounted Arod and George joined Boromir on his horse.

The horses made the ground tremble as they crossed the landscape. Then all of a sudden the Warg riders appeared over the hill. The true arrows of Legolas had already brought several down.

Back with the women and children Gimli was dragging Liz along as fast as his little sturdy legs could carry him.

"Where are we going?" Protested Liz.

"To Fight!" Roared the Dwarf.

Legolas seeing the horses approaching implemented a beautiful swing onto Arod. Upon noticing it was Emily behind him and not Gimli Legolas halted the horse.

"What? Come the battle is that way!" Cried Emily.

"I told you stay with the women and children!"

"Oh don't start that again. Come on we're missing the fight!"

"You are not to fight. I will not let you endanger yourself!" Shouted Legolas.

"Don't you start with the whole women are weak thing!" She groaned.

"I'm starting with the last time you fought you died thing!"

"But came back."

"I will not risk it again. Get off the horse."

"No."

"Emily!"

"I can fight just as well as you. Watch."

Before Legolas could say anything Emily being an extremely dirty fighter punched Legolas in the face knocking him off the horse.

"Sorry honey!" Emily winced before galloping off towards the screams and shouts of the fight.

"What are you doing down there?!" Laughed Gimli noticing Legolas on the floor.

"Don't start!"

Legolas, Gimli and Liz ran towards the battle.

"WOO HOO!" Cried George really getting into the swing of things. "Parry right, stab left, swing to the front and chop!"

"Are we winning?" Yelped Emily has she fell of Arod onto George,

"Dunno can't see!"

"Oh sorry." Emily rolled off him and quickly unsheathed her sword before a crazy looking Orc ran towards her. 

"Nice lunge Em!"

"Urm… I think he just fell on the sword." Emily admitted.

"So where's Legolas then?"

"Don't ask!"

"Oh there's Legolas. He looks pissed and slightly bruised. What did you do?!"

"Now is not the best time to explain." Yelped Emily as an Orc fell off its Warg onto her.

"I'll save you Em. No wait hang on Aragorn looks a bit more in need. Hang on I'll be back in a mo." With that George had disappeared out of Emily's sight.

"Female flesh" Snorted the Orc.

"You can get ointments for that." She squealed as she dug her dagger into its flank.

Meanwhile Aragorn was taking a trip towards the edge of a cliff.

"Right TNT, its just you and me now. Aim and throw…" George launched the stick of dynamite into the air towards the rampaging Warg Aragorn was attached to.

Back with Emily…

"Hi Legolas." She whimpered. "Now before you kill me or maim me horribly, in my defense you were being slightly chauvinistic and a wee bit bigotry."

Legolas' nostrils flared. Not a good sign.

"OK I'll just find George…while you try and find it in your heart to forgive me." Emily sprinted off.

The stick of dynamite flew like the wind and with a precision that had to be a fluke imbedded itself in a rather crude place of the Wargs anatomy.

"Bulls eye!" Screeched George as the Warg exploded leaving Aragorn teetering on the edge of the cliff.

"That was close." Muttered Aragorn.

"Bloody elf can't take some friendly criticism." Emily picked up a hapless stone and threw it over her shoulder. The stone at quite a high speed hit Gimli on the head.

Now by a bizarre series of events the following occurred:

Gimli stepped back in a fluster and inadvertently trod on Legolas' foot, with the elf being in such a fowl mood he retaliated by striking Gimli on the head with his bow. This caused Gimli to fall over and take Liz down with him, now keeping in mind the gradient of the hill they were standing upon the tangled mass of Liz and Gimli began to roll. They rolled and rolled and my dear readers guess who they hit. Of course, dear Aragorn who was standing on the edge of the cliff.

"Who killed Aragorn, Gimli and Liz?" Yelled George as the three afore mentioned hurtled into the river below.

****

A/N: Emily: That was fun! I apologize to all Legolas lovers for hitting him. I promise I get my comeuppance next chapter when I get a bad case of the Mary-Sue!

G: Were flirting with that elf before young lady?!

E: Anyhow! Thank you to Blue fire elf princess – Don't worry as you can see I would never leave Legolas with Pink hair.

G: Thank you to Tidus'luvr99 – A fellow Loitered lover!

E: Look Lil' Smartass has reviewed again! How do you like being handcuffed to Gimli then? Everyone Liz aka Lil'Smartass is in fact 4ft tall and feel free to flame her character as she has often expressed wishes to flame my wonderful reviewers (How dare she????! You guys are great and keep us two lazy arses writing).

G: Thank you to pretendingtobesane – I am liked! Love the new name by the by.

E: Thank you to harukafan80 – George has no morals he can still gat annoyed believe me! He made my last boyfriend cry!

G: And lastly but by no means leastly thank you to Voyd – We got yummy cookies! Please do not give Emily anymore stapler ideas! And as for remembering… what do ya think Em..?

Emily: Well you guys ready for chapter fifteen, well get reviewing then maybe George will finish writing HIS BIT!!!!!!!!

George: I'm a busy dude! People to see, classes to skip you know the drill!


	16. I've come over all perfect!

A/N: Emily: Helloooooo!!!

George: Aren't we updating a bit quick?

Emily: Yes we are because I have had two days off school because of some random illness and from my sick bed I found the sudden urge to type.

George: You were ill?

Emily: You would know if you bothered ringing!

George: *sniffs* Anyhow, thank yous at the bottom. Enjoy chapter fifteen.

****

Disclaimer: George: Put your serious face on and say. Emily: Do I have to? Can't I say something quirky instead? George: Nooooo. Emily: Fine, We own nothing *grumble, grumble* stupid boring disclaimers!

**Chapter fifteen – "I've come over all perfect!"**

Legolas sat alone upon the battlements of Helm's Deep staring up at the night's sky.

"There are a lot more stars here than on Earth." Commented Emily as she approached Legolas slowly.

Legolas said nothing as she sat beside him. They sat there in silence for a few minutes while Emily thought of something to say, which surprisingly wasn't that hard for once.

"I'm sorry for hitting you."

Legolas turned his head towards her. "It is I that should be apologizing Lady Emily. I was rude and should never have doubted your skill in battle. You did well." He smiled at this last statement.

"Yeah I did didn't I?!" Emily felt rather proud but realizing that Legolas still looked very upset she changed the subject.

"Aragorn will come back you know." As soon as Emily had said this she smacked herself on the head. "Whoops not meant to tell you what happens!"

"Aragorn comes back! It cannot be." Legolas shook his head. "I cannot believe you, it is my fault he fell."

"No it's not Gimli trod on your foot, granted you overreacted but anyone would have done the same." Emily reconciled.

"If only that stone didn't hit him." Legolas sighed.

"What stone?!"

"Someone threw a stone at Gimli. That's what started everything off."

"Stupid stone!" Mumbled Emily.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Urm…maybe they weren't aiming at Gimli, it might have hit him by accident."

"What kind of idiot just throws a stone carelessly?"

"Yeah your right, what an idiot!" Gulped Emily. "Anyhow do not fret, Aragorn and Gimli will return I'm sure of it."

"What about Liz?" 

"Oh yeah, her to."

"Are you sure Lady Emily?"

"Do you trust me?" Emily felt very smart at this point but then realized that Legolas could in fact say no.

"Of course I do." 

Emily let out a sigh of relief.

"Emily?"

"Yes Legolas."

"Can I tell you something?"

"You can tell me anything Legsie!"

"Please don't call me that."

"Sorry."

Suddenly the setting became all romantic, just like when the lead male in a Hollywood romance is about to say those three fateful words, but that wouldn't happen in this fic. Would it?

"Emily, I Love you." Whispered the elf.

Emily's eyebrows hit her hairline.

"Would you excuse me Legolas, for just one second?" Emily got up as fast as possible and scurried off in search of George.

****

"Damn I'm down to my last batch of TNT! Where's Galadriel when you need…" Emily came crashing into the room.

"Look at me!" She screeched.

"Do I have to?" Sniggered George.

"This is no time for games!"

"Fine, fine, what's the prob?" George turned around to face his sister.

"Do I look different to you?"

"Slightly redder than usual but other than that no. Explain why this is the topic of conversation."

"Tell me how many ludicrous things I have said this evening."

"Well about…urm…actually none come to think of it. That's strange." Pondered George.

"Now tell me how well I fought against the Wargs."

"Except for the one that fell on you. You were pretty good at the whole warrior princess thing!"

"Now explain to me why the Prince of Mirkwood has just confessed his undying love for me!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"No wa…"

"George focus!" Screamed Emily.

"Well I don't like to say it but…"

"Then don't say it please."

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to diagnose you with a serious case of the Mary-Sue."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Emily's rage could be heard throughout the Deep.

"Well well well who would of thought it? My sister the Mary-Sue." George was finding this way too funny.

"I can't be a Mary-Sue! I just can't." Emily begged.

"What's 3445/23?"

"149.78260869565217391304347826087 but what's that got to do with anything?"

George raised an eyebrow.

"Oh my god I'm a Mary-Sue! I…what…the readers they'll desert us…you'll desert me…what do I do?" 

"Look for every illness there is a cure. We just have to find it."

"A cure for Mary-Sues! I'm fucked."

"Stop swearing, yeesh Mary-Sues always think it's cool to swear."

"My life is over! It is the end of Emily as we know it."

"Hey, come on it's not that bad! I mean Legolas loves ya man!"

"Yeah cos I've suddenly come over all perfect!" Sulked Emily.

"Cheer up it could be worse."

"How could it possibly be worse? I will be ridiculed by fandom! As for Legolas I would much rather he loved me for my wacky mannerisms and my some semblance of an insane personality."

"Look I'll find a cure it can't be that hard."

"No this is it. Goodbye cruel world, it's been nice knowing you George." With this Emily skulked off.

George ran to the small hall where Boromir, Theoden and Legolas were gathered.

"Urm guys we have a problem." Gasped George.

"Where is Lady Emily, did I do something wrong?" Asked Legolas.

"Last I saw she was just about to throw herself off the battlements."

"Oh right…hang on…WHAT!" Shouted Legolas.

"Oh yeah I see your point." Grinned George as Boromir grabbed his arm and dragged him off after the speeding elf.

On the battlements…

"Goodbye sky, goodbye birds, goodbye little crickets that scare when you jump out of your bushes, goodbye sweet sweet rum my only true friend." Emily paused and sighed. "There were so many things I never got to do. See Troy and Pirates of the Caribbean two, drink my own brand of vodka, smoke the finest Hobbit weed…oh no wait I did that. Most of all I never got to kiss Lego…"

"Emily!" Cried Legolas.

"Excuse me you are interrupting a perfectly good monologue!"

"Please don't do this."

"Em get down this instant!" Yelled George.

"Leave me alone!"

"Em how long is this gonna take coz it's pissing it down here and I'm freezing my butt off!" 'Sympathized' George.

"Emily please get down it is not safe up there." Said Legolas the distress clear on his face.

"Well duh!"

"All this because you've become a Mary-Sue! Yeesh!" Laughed George.

"A Mary what?" Asked a bemused Boromir.

"A Mary-Sue is a girl who's practically perfect and is destined to have Legolas fall in love with her."

"Excuse me?!" Yelped Legolas.

"People can we focus here! The point is that my life is not worth living!" Hollered Emily. 

"There's bound to be a cure. Gives us some time and we'll find it." Reasoned Boromir.

"I've got it!" Called Legolas.

"Got what?" Said George, Emily and Boromir in unison.

"The cure!"

"Really?" Said a shocked George.

"Yes."

"Well come on the suspense is killing Emily!" Barked George.

"We need to convince her she's not perfect." Replied Legolas.

"Oh well I can do that!" Began George, "Em your likeness to a baboon's arse is uncanny, you rival Aragorn in odor control and Gimli could give you some hints on beard management."

"George if you don't shut up when I've finished committing suicide I will pound your arse and feed it to schizophrenic orangutans!" Cried Emily. 

"Hey you said something stupid. Legolas, I think it's working!" Snickered Boromir. 

"It's not working! If I'm not perfect then why did Legolas say he loved me?!"

"Dude! Whoa that's some heavy emotion man!" Drawled Boromir.

"I love you because you're annoying! You say stupid things and do not care what people think of you. You are intelligent if somewhat insane and you are like no other person I've ever met!" Cried Legolas.

"I'm annoying?" Asked a sniffling Emily.

"Extremely!" Answered the elf.

"Do you mean that?"

"With all my heart. Please come down."

Finally relenting Emily lowered herself off the battlements and into the arms of Legolas.

"Uh Uh No way, no dating until you is forty." George practically ripped Emily out Legolas' arms.

"George! Oh come on this is…you are crazy!" Yelled Emily as George dragged her off.

"So you and Em huh?" Questioned Boromir.

Legolas just smiled and walked after the two roaring siblings. 

****

A/N: Emily: Sorry this chapter was bit random and short but tis all in the name of humor!

George: Thank you to Tidus'luv99 – Doctor: We need sugar now! Nurse: It is more serious than we thought! Doctor: This calls for Humbugs and some disgusting sugary drink pretending to be kind to teeth!

Sorry got carried away. Hope this chapter cheered you up. Oh and speaking of Physiatrists, how did your appointment go Em?

Emily: Fine thank you! Pretendingtobesane you are soooooo lucky I would die to go to California! Believe me Canterbury England tends to be a bit dull at times! Although the ever so wonderful Orlando Bloom did hail from here! Thank you for reviewing.

George: Thank you to harukafan80- Ooooh long word – Procrastinating – I must pet it! Well I finished me bit early for you!

Emily: The next chapter is already written, however slight glitch in getting, 'Home or Tictacs' posted as our parentage has decided to ban from the computer for a few days! Totally unreasonable! It's not as if I spent all night reading Legolas fanfiction and fell asleep on the keyboard on a school night.

George: You're an idiot! And I bet it was smutty as well!

Emily: No comment. 


	17. Home or Tictacs

A/N: George: We are back! Did you miss us? What do you mean no?!

Emily: Thank you to our reviewers we love you.

Shadowz: TROGDOR IN ALL HIS MAGESTY!

Ayiicaalim: My fair wench Lauren I love you. George: Gophers!?

Legolasluver02 – Look out for Captain Obvious at the end of this chapter.

Tidus'luvr99 – Glad the chapter cheered you up. Hope the school trip didn't suck.

Voyd – Schoolwork = major pain in the arse.

Pretendingtobesane – I shall never be a Mary-Sue!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had someone to carry my books maybe Ayiicaalim could volunteer! *Emily looks hopefully*

Disclaimer: We only own the computer we are using to type this and occasion waky mannerism that we use.

**Chapter Sixteen – Home or Tictacs?**

"Something is wrong." Stated Aragorn.

"Tell me about it. You fall off a cliff and leave me to stop this pyromaniac setting things alight." Boromir stared at George who was setting fire to one of Legolas' arrows and sticking it in pile of hay. "And if that wasn't bad enough I've have to deal with these two sucking face!"

George immediately reacted to this and pulled apart the elf and his sister.

"How many times do I have to say this?! Not till you are forty!"

Aragorn sighed.

"Welcome Home Aragorn!" He commented dryly, "Where is the King?"

Boromir gestured to the stairs.

"Lle abdollen," said Legolas with all the composure he could muster.

Aragorn began to head off but before he was out of earshot Legolas said the line we have all been waiting for,

"You look terrible."

Aragorn raised an eyebrow.

"I second that notion, but at least this time he has an excuse." Added George who was removing yet more arrows from Legolas' quiver.

"What are you doing?" Asked Boromir.

"Jenkie jenkie." Was all that George gave as a reply before scuttling off down the corridor.

****

"So how long do think they're going to be then?" Asked George as he began to construct some bizarre object out of Legolas' arrows.

Emily and George were sat outside the King's hall awaiting news. Aragorn had returned from his little 'trip' and by the look on his face things were not good.

"No idea! Oh this is lame." Sighed Emily. "So much for a quest of fun. We are going to die icky gross deaths at the hands of creatures that fine black metal bondage way to interesting."

"Good point, well I suppose we had better formulate some sort of plan to save our sorry butts." 

"Alternately we could just start writing our epitaphs."

"We could go home." Stated George bluntly. "I mean I don't think that bag is just useful for conjuring up TNT."

"Do you want to go home?"

"Haven't really thought about it." Answered George honestly, "You?"

"Legolas mentioned it once but I really don't want to go back yet, though if you wanted to leave you know I'd follow."

"What about Legolas?"

"Well if we left the bag here he could always wish me back whenever he nee…"

"Well then," interrupted George, "seeing as we are staying it is time to think Tictacs!"

"Yes because small sugary mints are the secret to bringing the Uruks down to their knees!" Announced Emily dramatically.

"Tactics, I meant tactics!"

"Before we start doing the brain thing shouldn't we actually learn to fight?"

"Well I am a black belt in Karate!" Exclaimed George proudly. "And hopefully you remember some kick-ass moves from your Mary-Sue days. Now we need to decide what weapons we want to us…"

"What is that?" Asked Emily interrupting George's line of thought.

"What?"

"That thing you have been making out of my elf's arrows."

"Oh! It's a sling shot." Answered George admiring the object in his hands. "It is for when Gimli and Liz finally return. Where are they anyway?"

"Aragorn said we didn't want to know!"

"Eww! Bad thoughts, bad thoughts!" Cringed George.

"So what are you planning to do once they arrive?" Asked Emily suspiciously. 

"Ha! You'll have to wait and see." George rose dramatically. "To the armory!"

With this George was off with a reluctant Emily in tow. Upon arriving George spent hours sorting though weapons and throwing them into coordinating piles.

"What are you doing?" Asked a bemused Boromir

"Being creative." Answered George with a grin.

"And her?" Asked Boromir pointing at Emily who had fallen asleep amongst the broad swords.

George's answer was muffled as he investigated the heap of chain mail.

"Anyway, you asked me to let you know when Gimli and Liz returned, well they have just been spotted approaching the Deep."

 "Excellent! Boz man do me a favour. Keep Emily here."

"What do I do if she wakes up?"

"Well she is always a bit dappy when she first awakes so just pretend you are Legolas and it'll be fine!"

"George!" Yelled Boromir.

"Improvise my dear Boromir!" George called back as he scuttled off.

"Improvise?"

"Mmm…hmmm…Legolas…mmm!" Emily sat up with a start and surveyed her surroundings through sleepy eyes. "Where's George?" She mumbled.

"Improvise, improvise." Whispered Boromir to himself. "Umm…he…is…sleeping!" 

"Sleeping?"

"Yes he is sleeping that is exactly what he is doing. Sleeping yes!" Boromir was quite pleased with his little improvisation.

"Well let us go wake him up." Emily began to stretch.

"NO!" Yelped Boromir suddenly not so pleased with his newfound talent of thinking on the spot.

"And precisely why not?"

"Because…because…he…he…um…he…"  
  
  


"Yes…" Pressed Emily. "He what Boromir?" The fuming had begun.

"He…he's not alone!" Boromir yelped.

"He what?!!!"

"Urm…No I didn't mean that…Argh!" 

"Who? What? Where?"

"Three excellent questions, which I shall endeavor to answer for you if you wait here and I just leave, right now!"

"Oh no you don't! You will stay here and I will go and find George." Emily stormed out of the armory in search of her horny older brother.

"Oh boy!" Boromir exclaimed.

****

The young hero stood atop the battlements the west wind ruffling his hair. His left fist gripped tightly closed causing his knuckles to pale. His right clutching his weapon fashioned from the arrows of a mighty warrior. All that stood between him and the two wanderers approaching was a strong wall and a piece of tumbleweed that ran across the landscape being chased by the wind. 

A/N: Emily: Urm…George you're not in a Western you know?

George: I'd make a brilliant cowboy!

The young man raised his weapon and followed the path of the tumbleweed. Bells tolled in the background, the wind whistled through the paths of the Deep. He was ready to take out this prey. A missile that was very similar to a boring old rock (Ok lets face it, it was just a boring old rock) was placed in the slingshot. He took aim, first at the short one.

A/N: Emily: That could be either of them!

He pulled back at the rubber, lining up his shot with the head of the unsuspecting girl that plodded along with her hairy friend. The tension in the air was great.

****

"Gimli? Is that George standing up there?" Asked Liz.

"Yes I believe that is Master George. I wonder what he is doing?" Grumbled the dwarf. "So how do you know those two then? They can't be as mad as they are here on their own planet!"

"I think they are worse back on earth! Emily is in my class at school, she is a devout insomniac with some schizophrenic tendencies. She also has that annoying thing where she can get A*'s in all exams without revising and with a hangover! George is one conniving dude, that guy could plan the entire universe's downfall on a post-it note if you gave him the opportunity. Oh and they both have severe attention deficit disorder, which means if you try to explain something important to them, like for instance… there is a big rock heading this way, they would just forget you had even spoke. Oh crap! There is a big rock heading this way!" Liz tried to duck but due to her rather annoying habit of going off on random tangents she was too late.

"Bullseye!" Cried George at the top of his lungs.

"Noooo Liz my dear!" Yelped Gimli. "Oh what has he done? Wake up, please wake up!"

George who was too busy doing his victory dance failed to notice Emily approaching at top speed.

"I want a word with you!" Screamed Emily knocking George over and throwing his own slingshot at an important part of a boy's anatomy.

"What?!"

"Who is it then? This harlot you have been sleeping with! It's alright for you to get pelvic but if I so much as hug Legolas you scare him off with your overprotective big brother attitude!"

"I have a harlot?" Asked George slightly confused.

"It's that Eowyn isn't it?"

"Wait just a sec who told I was, as you delightfully put it, 'getting pelvic' with someone?"

"Boromir told me why you were so conveniently missing!" 

"BOROMIR!" Yelled George.

Boromir slowly poked his head out of a doorway.

"I said improvise not ruin my ability to have children!"

"I'm not good at quick thinking!" Cried Boromir.

"You're not good at thinking full stop!" Yelped George, "Now help me up!"

Boromir pulled George to his feet, "Anyway, how did the plan go?"

"What plan?" Asked Emily. "Why were you out here anyway?"

"Well remember when you said you wanted to get rid of Liz. Like for instance sending her home or maybe accidentally killing her?"

"No I don't remember saying that! What have you done?"

"See for yourself." Suggested Boromir pointing to the two huddled figures upon the horizon.

Emily and Boromir were soon in full sprint to inspect George's handiwork.

"She isn't moving!" Sobbed Gimli.

"Chill out dude. It's not like you two had anything going on." Emily paused. "Please never tell me." She cried seeing Gimli's eyebrows raise.

"Well she is dead. What do we do now?" Said Boromir.

"We could dig a hole maybe." Answered Emily.

"Or maybe burn her." Laughed George manically.

"No more soda for you." Whispered Boromir. 

"Guys is it me, or are we all way too calm about the fact that George just murdered a innocent girl?" Asked Emily.

The four of them thought for a minute then looked at each other:

"Nah." They said in unison.

"Back to the Deep?" Suggested Emily.

"Why not? It's a bit nippy down here." Answered Gimli back to his usual self.

"So what about her then?" Asked Boromir as the four of them made their way back to Helms Deep and the armory.

"Ah, the Uruks will just compress her into the mud. We can scrape her out later if we feel like it." Said George.

"That's a good plan." Commented Emily.

"Well I do try!"

"Oh crap! I promised her a hug from Aragorn."

"Never mind she'll get over it. Or not considering that she is dead."

Gimli and Boromir entered the Armory, just as George was about to enter Emily grabbed his arm.

"George! Remember when I died, I got sent to Harry Potter land. You don't think…"

"Nah…that was just a fluke she wouldn't get there, would she?" Replied George.

Before Emily could answer Aragorn's raised voice could be heard, "Then I shall die as one of them!"

****

"Urgh…where am I?" Liz raised her head. "This looks like Hogw…"

"Hi I'm Ron, what's your name?" Said the rather bizarre but innocent looking redhead.

"I…I…Liz…I…Stone…came…" Babbled Liz.

"Hello Liz Stone, come with me."

Ron began to drag Liz down the corridor just as Voldermolt sprang out.

"Ha Ha you shall never defeat me Potter!" He cried.

"Ahhhhhh!!!!" Cried Ron and ran away.

"Oh great! Look Mr. V. sorry to disappoint you but Harry isn't here to be the big, but unlikely, hero right now. How about you come back later?"

"You shall die little girl!"

"I'm not that little!" Cried Liz before Mr. V. burst her into a mass of flames.

****

"Ok what just happened did Aragorn throw a hissy fit?" Asked Emily as she entered the armor.

"Legolas pissed him off!" Cried one of the villagers.

"My elf would do no such thing! Would you Leggsie?"

Legolas looked sheepish.

"Who sucks donkey-dick? Legolas sucks donkey-dick!" George began to chant.

"I do what?" Roared the elf.

"George shut-up!" Yelled Emily. "Now everyone listen to me!"

"Hey I'm older I'm in charge! Legolas go apologise. Gimli go put on your armour. Peasants ascend to the poop deck and Emily come confer with me." George paused waiting for everyone to move. "Well now then!"

"Emily it is time for some tactics. Right I have decided on my weapon for the battle but I'm gonna need your help. What about you what have you decided?"

"Well remember that wonderful poem you sung about TNT, well that could come in useful right about now. So what is it you need?"

George leant over and began to whisper in Emily's ear.

"You want me to pull that out of my bag! ARE YOU INSANE?!"

"No just creative." Answered George.

"Fine! But not until the battle is about to begin." 

"Come on then let's find the guys." 

****

"It's a little tight across the chest." Grunted Gimli as he pulled the chain mail over him.

Aragorn and Legolas looked on in amusement.

"Gimli! Ever the belle of the ball!" Cried George.

A horn sounded in the distance.

"That is no Orc horn!" Exclaimed Legolas.

"Captain Obvious!" Muttered George under his breath.

****

A/N: George: Ooooh the action is hotting up. Are you ready for Helms Deep?

Emily: hopefully the next chapter shouldn't take so long as Dad has lifted the ban on the internet after a lot of whining on my part!

George: Feel free to massage our egos. Mine is a bit sore after a nasty April fools prank played on me *pout*


	18. Let the battle commence

A/N: Emily here! George is in Dorset visiting his girlfriend! Boring!

Anyhow this chapter was written while listening to some Death Metal so I apologize if it is slightly weird!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Blame George. 

****

**Chapter Seventeen – Let the battle commence**

****

"Haldir my man!" Called George as the remainders of the Fellowship arrived at the top of the stairs to which Haldir was standing at the foot of.

"Mae govannen Haldir!" Greeted Aragorn with an embrace. "You are most welcome."

Legolas said nothing as he greeted his fellow elf, as nothing needed to be said.

"Haldir! I didn't mean those things I said in Lothlorien. You're not a dumbass. Ok you are but I luv ya!" Cried Emily as she began to kiss his boots much to his surprise.

"Hey, I'm your elf!" Pouted Legolas.

"We are proud to fight alongside men once more." Stated Haldir with pride.

"Ooooh lots of yummy elves to declare mine!" Finished Emily with much excitement. 

****

"Hey George, that weapon thingy you wanted, I've tied it up behind the fourth column in the courtyard." Explained Emily to her brother.

"You've tied it up?"

"It was biting my shoes!"

"Ok, now I've decided that if you take up position on the…"

"Emily can I speak with you?" Asked Legolas as he entered the room with Boromir and Haldir.

"Yeah sure anything for my blondie bear!" Giggled Emily.

Boromir and Haldir couldn't help but smirk and snigger much to the prince of Mirkwood's annoyance.

"I…well…we have decided it would be best if you stayed in the caves with the women and children, seeing as you are in fact female."

"Do you want me to punch you again, because that bruise healed way to quickly?!" Asked Emily with great displeasure.

"She punched you?" Sneered Haldir.

Legolas ignored this and carried on, "Sweetie I need you to do this for me. I need to know you are safe."

"Urgh! George reason with these morons!"

"Urm I kinda agree with them." Mumbled George quietly but not quietly enough.

"You what?!" Screeched Emily.

"Look as much as we make fun of the situation it's still dangerous, and as much as I hate to admit it but I like having you around. Em, it sucked majorly when you died last time. Come to think of it I don't think it was the pepper spray that made me cry. Hey I love you kid even more than blondie bear over there."  

Legolas, Boromir and Haldir stood in amazement that this psycho child they had been traveling with could produce such a moving speech.

"I don't know whether to hug you or hit you." Said Emily. "Fine, but only on one condition. If things start to get really bad I can come and kick some Orc ass before we all succumb to doom."

"Agreed." Grinned George.

"Legolas?"

"All right then, but I won't let things get that bad." He replied with confidence.

****

"This sucks!" Moaned Emily to no one in particular. 

It had been ten minutes since Legolas had said good-bye to her and left her in the caves; she was already starting to feel the effects of boredom.

 "I know how you feel." Sighed Eowyn.

"You talking to me?" Asked Emily who was carving something into the rock wall.

"Yes I was just saying, it's not the best thing to be female."

"Are you kidding me?! It's great being female, well it is back on earth anyways. Behind every brave elf, man, hell even dwarf there is a smart woman!"

"I think you mean behind every elf, man and dwarf there is a cave to put the smart women in!" Countered Eowyn.

"Ok you win." 

****

George was humming the national anthem so loudly that even the Uruks in the far distance could hear him faintly.

"What would it take for you to just shut-up?!" Cried an exasperated Aragorn.

"Huh? Oh the humming. I can't help it. I hum when I'm nervous." Answered George.

"Well could you go and find something to keep you occupied?" Asked the Dwarf.

"You are going to regret asking that." George said as he pulled out a camera and smiled wickedly.

Legolas and Gimli stood side by side on the Deeping wall as they stared out at the approaching danger.

"This ones for you Em." Whispered George as he advanced upon the two from behind.

As quick as Emily can insult Aragorn George had placed Gimli's hand on Legolas' derrière and had taken the most incriminating picture he could possibly take.

Aragorn approached his two companions, the dwarf with a newly acquired black eye and Legolas with a slightly red set of knuckles.

"Well lad, whatever luck you live by, let's hope it lasts the night." Grunted the Dwarf.

"Your friends are with you Aragorn." Said Legolas.

"Lets hope they last the night!"

"Where is George?" Asked Aragorn.

"He said he went to feed his weapon and deliver something to Emily." Said a puzzled Boromir.

"Feed his weapon!" Yelped Aragorn.

"Whatever that boy is planning it cannot be good!" Sighed Gimli. "Liz warned me about him."

"Liz? Whatever happened to her?" Asked Aragorn.

"Lets just say she is in a better place right now." Smirked Boromir.

****

"Elizabeth! Where is your Math Course work?!"

****

"Here you go Yoshie, some grass for you." Cooed George. The little green dragon refused to eat it. "You don't like grass huh, never mind plenty of bad guys to eat soon."

A/N: George: In case you are wondering Yoshie is that little dragon in Super Mario World that eats all the bad guys that Mario meets while riding him. (And you thought it couldn't get anymore weird)! Oh by the way we do not own Yoshie or Mario either!

****

"Emily this is for you." Eowyn handed over a photo to Emily. "One of the guards said your brother wanted you to have it."

"Open the doors!" Screamed Emily.

"Why what's wrong?" Cried Eowyn.

"Just do as I say!"

"I am only to let you leave if things become extremely bad." Reasoned Eowyn.

"They just did, for one hairy arsed Dwarf!"

"I'm sorry but I can't let you go Legolas would kill me."

"Right this second you should be more concerned with the fact that I am about to kill you!"

"Guards open the gates now."

"My lady we are under strict orders from Prince Legolas not to let Emily out under any circumstances." Replied the Guard.

"Legolas said that?!" Cried Emily. " He is so in for some punishing."

Emily began to daydream… "Oh crap no time for that now!" She yelped. "Back passage! Gamling said there was a way out through the mountains!"

"You've spoken to Gambling?"

"No, in the film he says there is a way out!" Emily picked up her bag and began frantically searching the walls of the cave.

"Emily, I do not think this a good idea…"

"Bingo!" Cried Emily as she found a small dark hole, which opened out into a passageway. "See you dudes later!" She yelled as she crawled into the darkness.

"Shouldn't someone follow her?" Asked one of the guards.

"That passageway leads right into the battle!" Said Eowyn.

"Isn't that a good thing?" 

"Except for the fact it leads to the side of the wall the Uruks are on!" Cried Eowyn as she flopped to the floor and buried her head in her hands.

****

"Yeesh it is dark in here! Ooooh wetness! I hope that was not what I think it is!"

****

All was silent except the persistent drumming of the Uruk-Hai's footfalls.

"Show them no mercy," Aragorn began in Elvish, "For you will receive none."

"What's happening out there?" Cried Gimli as the Uruks stopped short of the wall.

"Shall I describe it to you or would like me to find you a box?" Smirked, the oh so wonderful, Legolas.

Gimli despite all recent feelings for the elf still found it in him to laugh.

"What's so funny?" Asked George as he arrived atop his steed.

"What the…" Gasped Legolas.

"…" Said Gimli.

"Holy arse head and hole!" Exclaimed Boromir.

"What it's my weapon?! Yoshie meet everyone. Everyone meet Yoshie." Grinned George.

"What is it?" Gulped Aragorn.

"Well duh! It's a dragon."

"That is a dragon!" Smirked Haldir. "Well if you think that is going to cause any damage you are seriously mistaken boy."

"Watch your tone Elfie. Yoshie eats guys like you for breakfast. Oh and I mean that literally."

"We have no time for this. Assume your positions." Mediated Aragorn.

"George. Be careful, I don't know what Emily would do without you." Said Legolas.

"Cheers mate. Hey maybe having an elf in the family wouldn't be such a bad thing!" Smiled George as he and Yoshie took their place along the wall.

****

"Where the fuck is that torch?" Hollered Emily as a big gob of ice water dribbled down her back.

****

The Uruk-Hai pounded their spears on the ground; their snarls and growls could be heard in the caves.

Aragorn drew his sword and the men drew their bows. A stray arrow flew. 

"Let the battle commence." Whispered George into the night.

****

A/N: Emily: Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, we wanted to kind of split Helms Deep into two parts. The next part is already planned but it would be cool to know what you think so far, so we can make appropriated adjustments before we finalize the next one. However, if all goes to plan all you Haldir fans are in for a bit of a shocker.

Thank you to all our wonderful reviewers!

Lil' Smartass – You are just bitter because you got jenked! R.I.P

Tidus'luvr99 – Puke Valley? I don't want to know do I?

Shadowz – Yay Aragorn bashing! The badgers might be a bit much. TROGDOR!

Ayiicaalim – Hiya hunny, that's a bad cough you got there. Please carry my books I'll get you that mallet I promised! 

Pretendingtobesane – Poor Liz! You would not say that if you knew her! VEGAS! The closest I get to gambling is being asked to play strip poker by the pervy kid that sits at the back of my class! 


	19. Saving the One You Love

A/N: George: Happy Easter to everyone! This is the concluding part of Helm's Deep up for your enjoyment super quick!

Emily: Here's where you find out what fate befalls poor old Haldir! Please don't kill us!

Disclaimer: I wish we were making money out of this but unfortunately we are not. Damn!

****

**Chapter eighteen – Saving the one you love.**

""Faeg I-varv dîn na lanc a nu ranc!" Said Legolas as he aimed his first arrow.

"Leithio I philinn!" Shouted Aragorn as he raised his arm.

"Did they hit anything?" Asked Gimli.

"They're bloody elves! Of course they hit something!" Yelled George.

Uruk after Uruk fell from the barrage of arrows, but they just seemed to go on forever.

"Send them to me, come on!" Roared Gimli above the frenzied battle cries.

"Pendraid!" Cried Aragorn.

"Good!" Cheered Gimli.

"How do you know he meant ladders, you don't speak Elvish?!" Asked George, but really didn't need the dwarf answer when he saw him tucking an Elvish phrase book back under his armor.

A sea of ladders rose before the wall; this was answered by the elves pulling out their swords and Yoshie licking his lips.

The first Uruk arrived on the wall, George charged forward sword in hand. Boromir, Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn all froze momentarily to see the outcome of this charge. Before George could swing his sword a bright pink tongue curled out of Yoshie's mouth and wrapped around the Uruk's waist. Then it was gone with an immense gulp!

"Cool dragon!" Muttered Boromir before his attention was drawn to the danger before him.

"Legolas, two already!" Cried Gimli with great pride.

"I'm on seventeen." Laughed Legolas as he continued to slaughter Uruk-Hai with his bow. 

"I'll have no pointy-ear out scoring me!" Gimli bellowed.

"Nineteen!" Called the smug elf.

The battle raged on, Gimli and Legolas continued their scoring, Aragorn and Boromir held back the swarms that augmented the ladders. A sea of shields ascended the ramp to the gate concealing a potent battering ram.

****

"If I bump into one more stalagmite I will scream!" Yelled Emily to herself. "Who's idea was this?!"

*Yours I believe* Sniggered Emily's brain.

"Oh no, not you again, why don't you just bog off? Can't you see I am a bit busy."

*Busy doing what?*

"I am trying to get to the battle as there is a dwarf there that is in need of a thump!"

*You do realize that this is the wrong way don't you?*

"Get lost!"

*Well, I am seeing as I am stuck in your head and you are leading the afore said head the wrong way!*

"Bugger off!"

*Language! I'm just tying to help!*

"I am sick of your help! The last time you tried to help I ended up with a pink haired elf!"

*Minor detail.*

"Urgh!"

****

"Is this it? Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?" Smirked Theoden.

"Please tell me you did not just say that!" Yelped George as he fell off Yoshie.

Yoshie then started to do that flashy thing and ran off wildly.

"Don't tempt fate dude! Oh great! I just lost my steed!" 

As George went to chase after Yoshie a tremendous bang was heard. The ground trembled and rock and stone shattered like glass.

****

"I see light! Yay!" Cheered Emily.

"Klllllllaaaaaaaaaabbbbbbbbbllllllllllloooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeee!"

"Bollocks! The wall's been breached!"

Emily dragged her arse out of the small opening and surveyed the land before her.

"Don't say it."

*We seem to…*

"I said don't say it!"

*…*

"Fine you can say it!" Emily sighed.

*We seem to be on the side of the Uruk Hai! *

"Well I'm glad you find this terribly funny. Now to think of a way to get from here to there." Emily pointed over to the breach in the wall as Gimli flew off the battlements to Aragorn's aid.

Emily looked down to find a trampled Uruk-Hai before her feet.

"Excellent!"

"Excuse me, coming through here" Emily ran through the crowd of blood lusting Uruk-Hai, which was easier said than done considering the newly acquired armor/disguise she was wearing. "Move ya arses! Uruk on a mission."

Emily reached the Deeping wall just in time to see her darling Legolas become Skater elf extraordinaire. 

"Go Legolas!" She cooed. Unfortunately, it seemed as if Legolas was coming straight towards her, and taking into account her current attire this was not the best place to be.

"Oh crap!" Emily ducked as the shield he was sliding on flew out from beneath his feet and cut into the unsuspecting Uruk behind her. Legolas who was still moving forward with unstoppable momentum tripped on Emily's foot and landed on top of her. Legolas raised his knife and began to bring it down…

"Ooooh! That looked like fun!" Exclaimed George upon seeing Legolas' recent trick. "My turn!" George went in search of a shield.

"Eeekk!" Cried Emily.

"Emily?" Legolas asked with much astonishment. 

"Hiya hunny, now as much as I do not object to our current position do you really think this is the appropriate time?!" Chuckled Emily.

"How did you…"

"Not now huh? Big black scary thing heading this way!"

Legolas raised his knife just in time to deflect an oncoming scimitar blow.

"Aragorn! Get your men out of there!" Theoden's voice could be heard from above.

"Come on!" Cried Legolas as he grabbed Emily and put her over his shoulder.

"Hey! I can walk you know! Now, where's that bloody dwarf?"

"Nan barad! Haldir! Nan barad!" Aragorn cried to Haldir who was fighting valiantly on the wall.

Legolas carried on running; all he could think about was getting Emily to safety. He reached the foot of the stairs but stopped when he saw George mounting a shield at the top of them.

"What are you doing?!" Cried the Elf.

"You don't get to have all the glory." With this George began his decent down the stairs. Legolas didn't want to watch, so ran to the other stairs and climbed them all the while still holding back the clawing Uruk-Hai.

"Yippee!" Yelled George. He was nearly at the bottom when he sudden realized the shield had no brakes. "Naff it!!!!!!!"

George landed solidly with a thump.

"What were you thinking?" Said a Rohan man that offered George a hand up.

"Didn't really think that one through."

"I'm Atrayu." Said the man.

"Please to meet you…" Before George could shake his hand Atrayu was struck with a black arrow.

"Atrayu Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yelped George. 

A/N: The whole Atrayu thing is a private joke between some of our friends. However, if you have seen 'The Never Ending Story' you might have an inkling of what we are going on about.

"Master George come!" Called Gimli as Aragorn dragged him off.

Haldir ordered his Elves to retreat, taking his eyes off the Uruk approaching him. The Uruk swung his sword slicing Haldir's arm. Haldir didn't give up easily and took out the Uruk swiftly. The wound seeped crimson liquid that stained his armor along with all the black blood that had dried to form a crust. As if in slow motion an Uruk-Hai with his sword held high approached Haldir from behind. The sword began to cut through the air towards Haldir's head.

(Drum roll…)

There was a crash of steel as Boromir's sword deflected the Uruk's, Boromir stabbed viciously at the beast and cleanly relieved it of its head.

"Boromir!" Gasped Haldir. 

"Are you Ok?" Asked a panicked Boromir as he saw all the blood trickling out of the wound in Haldir's arm.

"I am fine, you saved me, how can I ever repay you?"

"I would do anything for you Haldir." Wept Boromir.

"You mean that?"

"Of course I do, ever since I met you in Lothlorien I vowed to do anything for you!"

"Oh Boromir! You have stolen my heart. If we survive this come away with me to Lothlorien where I will treat you like a King!" Declared Haldir.

"Oh Haldir!" Gushed Boromir as he lifted the elf in his arms and took him to safety.

A/N: Bet you weren't expecting that one!

****

"To the gate, draw your swords." Demanded King Theoden to his guards.

Uruks were all ready pushing themselves through the hole in the gate.

"Hold them!" Cried Theoden as Aragorn, Gimli and George entered the tussle. 

"If you say so?!" Said a confused George who proceeded to hug an also very confused Uruk-Hai.

"I meant stop them getting in!" Cried Theoden.

"Oh right." Said George, releasing the Uruk and turning slightly red.

"How long do you need?" Asked Aragorn.

"As long as you can give me." Stated the King.

"That's lovely and cryptic!" Mumbled George.

The three of them observed the Uruk-Hai at the gate pounding away.

"Oh come on we can take them!" Said Gimli enthusiastically.

"Yeah maybe with a arsenal of TNT!" Yelped George.

"It's a long way." Said Aragorn.

After some great hesitation the dwarf finally said, "Toss me."

Aragorn looked at him questionably and George shoved his fist into his mouth to absorb the laughter brewing there.

"Are you sure you wouldn't want to rephrase that?" Spluttered George finally giving in to the temptation to laugh.

"I cannot jump the distance you'll have to toss me!" Gimli grunted with much annoyance.

Just as Aragorn prepared to throw Gimli over the large gap to the ramp he blurted, "Don't tell the elf!"

"Not a word." Said Aragorn honestly before chucking him.

"Well, he didn't tell me not to let my future brother in-law know!" Laughed George. "Kamikaze!"

There was now just Aragorn left to join the two and with a roar and a leap the three of them were holding back the Uruk-Hai.

"Back you mofo!" Bellowed George. 

Meanwhile on the wall…

"Put me down!" Whimpered Emily as Legolas continued to carry her through the crowds of fighting men and Uruks.

Great hook were shot at the wall and clung on as if for dear life as grand ladders were pulled up with at least fifty Uruks clinging on to them.

Legolas finally relented and put Emily upon her feet.

"Listen to me, whatever you do stay right beside me. I will not let anything hurt you."

"Just give us one of your knives and I'll be just fine and dandy!" Emily smiled.

The first signs of nostril flaring had begun…

As quick as George can insult Gimli, Legolas had notched an arrow and took out the strand of rope holding one of the ladder with such perfection that only he could manage.

"I wish I had some pom-poms!" Gushed Emily. "Hey, isn't that Aragorn and Gimli down there? And George! That boy is going to get himself killed. Legolas help them!" 

"Quickly." Legolas grabbed Emily's hand and a long piece of rope.

+

****

Theoden could be heard within behind the gate shouting orders. As the last plank of wood was set to be positioned Theoden poked is head out and said,

"Gimli! Aragorn! Boy! Get out of there!"

"And how do you propose we do that?" Grunted George amid delivering a fatal blow to the crotch of a poor unfortunate Uruk. "Yikes, that's enough to make your balls crawl up and hibernate!" 

"Aragorn!" Legolas could be heard shouting from the wall above as he threw down the rope.

Aragorn grabbed Gimli and held on tight to the rope. 

"Hey! Wait for me!" Cried George as he grabbed Aragorn's rising foot.

"I'll help you Legolas." Said Emily poignantly to the surrounding Rohirrim who were doing nothing. "Ouch, rope burns!"

"Pull everybody back." Ordered Theoden.

"Fall back! Fall back!"

Orders and shout of "Retreat" were echoed across the walls as the remainders of the Fellowship barricaded themselves into the fortress.

"Em! You're OK!" George shouted as he embraced his sister.

"I like your moves." Emily replied.

"I like your style!"

"The fortress is taken. It is over." Sighed Theoden in defeat interrupting George and Emily's reunion.  

"You said this fortress would never fall while your men defend it. They still defend, they have died defending it!" Yelled Aragorn.

"That dude doesn't give up." Remarked George.

Aragorn continued to debate with the King while Legolas was left to ransack the place for things to use as a barricade.

"He would make a good rock star." Admired Emily.

"Hey, maybe he could join our band! I can see it now, 'Fear of a Fruit Bat headlining

The Hammersmith Apollo featuring the one and only Legolas Greenleaf.'" George sighed imagining his name in lights.

"Ride out with me." Aragorn's voice cut through all the commotion. "Ride out and meet them."

"For death and glory."

"No for cheetos." Announced George excitedly.

"And again with the weird." Mocked Emily shaking her head.

"For Rohan." Stated Aragorn as the sun crept in the windows.

"The sun is rising." Said Gimli.

"Hey Legolas, Gimli is trying to steal the Mr. Obvious title!" 

"Shut-up George." Answered Legolas much to everyone's surprise.

"You're a bad influence on that elf Emily." Moaned George as he sat down on a discarded helmet.

_"Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn look to the east."_ Gandalf's voice echoed through the room.

"I want my mummy." Shrieked Emily.

"Yes. Yes. The horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the Deep once more."

"Yes Gimli, run along and blow the King's horn!" Laughed Emily and George.

*grunt* sounded from Gimli.

"Emily, George you have done enough in this battle, stay here take care of the wounded." Implored Legolas.

"What do you think Em? Do think we a have done enough?"

"Well we could just go and make snide comments to Gimli about his blowing activities." Smirked Emily.

"And how he likes to be tossed by Aragorn." Sniggered George.

"What?!" Asked Legolas with a grin on his face.

"We'll stay here Legolas don't you worry." Said George. "Oh and speaking of all this camp you haven't seen Boromir and Haldir around have you?"

Legolas raised one delicate eyebrow and said, "Last I saw they were playing doctors and nurses in the caves."

"Well Em we survive Helms Deep! Gandalf can clear up the rabble out there."

"It does seem quite a good place to end the fun doesn't it?"

The siblings began to make their way up the stairs to where Gimli was, their minds brimming with insults. 

"Is this the end of the adventure?" Asked Emily getting slightly teary.

"Hey come here." Sighed George as he wrapped his arms around his little sister.

Everything was getting slightly sentimental until a rabid flashing Yoshie zoomed past at top speed.  "Are you ready to go home?"

 ****

A/N: George: Ooooh is it the end?

Emily: Will the next chapter be an Epilogue?

George: Course it bloody won't. We've still got plenty of things up our sleeves.

Emily: Look forward to reading what you think of this chapter because surprisingly this was the hardest to write. Oh and hello to the fair wenches of Fear of a Fruit Bat, Lauren 'Queen of Smut' our drummer and the delectable Becca our Bassist! 

George: I wouldn't know how hard it was to write because I kind of didn't write anything for this one, although some of the more fabulous ideas were mine!

Emily: Like that blimming Yoshie! 

Thank you to all our positively stunning reviewers:

Pretendingtobesane- Good idea about Liz and the pervy kid! Interesting is a very good way of describing this fic.

Shadowz- Yes that was jenked from Buffy. You know me way too well. No Badgers for you ( I forgot to put them in)! Instead you get Legolas the rock star!

Gurliegurl – New reviewer! Yay! Glad you like. Please come back for more!

Join us next time for "The final countdown"


	20. The Final Countdown

A/N: Emily: Hey hope you all had a wicked Easter!

George: Sorry for the long update. Well at least I think it has been a long time! Anyhow Em and me have just eaten a bog load of Pizza and feel slightly sick at the mo. Oh well cold pizza for breakfast then!

Emily: Now I must apologize for the Song in this. Sorry Sorry Sorry!

Disclaimer: Sod Lord of the Rings we own nothing else that we have jacked for this fic.

Chapter Nineteen –It's the final countdown 

"Ooooh they're back!" Cried Emily as Gandalf, Aragorn and Legolas returned to the Keep.

"Where's that dwarf?" Asked George only to discover Emily had run off into the awaiting arms of Legolas.

"Stupid blonde bint." He sulked approaching them with a frown on his face.

"I missed you." Pouted Emily.

"I was not gone for long." Replied Legolas with a smirk on his face.

"Yes well it was long enough!"

"I am going to be sick!" Sighed George pushing the two of them apart. "Emily when are you going to learn that you are not to let this elf get fresh with you!"

"Get fresh?" Asked Legolas with a puzzled look.

"But I want him to get fresh with me!" Smiled Emily.

"Oh great, then guess who you'll come running to when you are pregnant with some pointy-eared half-breed thingy that has annoyingly blonde hair, stupidly blue eyes, sings all the fricking time and has the greatest sarcasm problem in the entire history of Middle-earth. Not to mention I would have to be an Uncle! Have you thought about that? Huh? Have you?"

Legolas and Emily stood there with their mouths wide open.

"Who's pregnant?" Asked Gimli from his seat upon a dead Uruk.

"Someone's pregnant?!" Gasped Aragorn.

Everyone looked at Emily.

"Hey! Just 'cause I'm the only girl here! I am not pregnant!" 

"Are you sure? Would you like to lie down?" Inquired Gandalf.

"Well I wouldn't mind a nap but that's not the point." 

"Legolas! How could you do this?!" Cried Aragorn.

"What?!" Cried the elf.

George at this point was in stream of tears and fits of giggles.

"You will have to marry her now." Ordered Gandalf.

"Ooooh I like that idea." Grinned Emily.

"Just wait a second." Said Legolas.

"You don't want to marry me!" Yelped Emily.

"Now honey, that's not what I meant." Legolas coaxed.

Emily joined Gimli on the dead Uruk.

"There there dear, we'll take care of you." Comforted the dwarf.

"She is not pregnant!" Cried Legolas in exasperation.

"He's in denial." Stated Aragorn.

"Legolas you must face up to your responsibilities!" Demanded Gandalf. 

"What's going on?" Asked Boromir joining the conversation.

"How's Haldir?" Was all George could splutter in between laughs.

"He is just fine, thank you." Said Boromir curtly. "Why is Emily crying?"

"Legolas won't marry me." Cried Emily between sobs.

"The elf got her pregnant." Stated Aragorn giving Legolas his best reprimanding look.

"Legolas I'm surprised at you." Boromir shook his head.

"Ok guys, enough now." Began George. "As much as I am finding this way too funny I have to announce that Emily is not pregnant, never was, never will be."

"Hey!" Yelled Emily.

"Then why did..? I'm confused." Groaned Aragorn.

"Oh well never mind. Emily isn't pregnant. We won the battle. Legolas is Emily's bad books and Aragorn smells. All is normal and good in the world." Said George triumphantly. "So how did we all do then?"

"I didn't count." Aragorn answered.

"Thirty-four but I had to take care of Haldir." Answered Boromir.

"Is that what you call it?" Smirked Aragorn.

"Shut-up reek King." Interrupted Emily. "I think it's cute. We need more love in this world."

Legolas raised his eyebrows hopefully.

"Don't bet on it elf-boy. Anyway how many did you get?"

"Final count forty two." Legolas said smugly.

"Forty two." Mocked Gimli. "That's not bad for a pointy-eared elvish princeling."

Emily couldn't help bad swoon at the aggravated look on Legolas' face.

"I myself am sitting pretty on forty three."

Before anyone could say anything Legolas had let an arrow fly straight between Gimli's legs and into the Uruk Gimli and Emily were sat upon.

"Forty three." Legolas said.

"He was already dead." Said Gimli slightly higher in voice than usual.

"Where did the helium come from?" Whined George.

"Urm… I think Legolas shot slightly higher than in the films." Grinned Emily.

"He was twitching." Smirked Legolas in answer to Gimli.

"He was twitching because he's got my axe embedded in his central nervous system!" Cried Gimli to the amusement of everyone standing around.

"Lady Emily what was your score." Asked Legolas.

"Well it was all a bit of a blur really but I think around fifty-five."

"…" Said everyone.

"What?!"

"How did you manage that?" Laughed Aragorn.

"It was simple really. A bit of movement to the left. A side step to the right and I was in perfect position to fall down the stairs. Granted I took out thirty of our own men but it was kind of poetic justice don't you think?"

"How so?" Asked the painfully high Gimli.

"Well the noises they made all rhymed with fuc…"

"Well no time for this now, we must ride to Isengard." Said Gandalf quickly.

****

Gandalf upon Shadowfax led the group to Isengard. Emily sat behind Legolas despite the fact that he was still in need of punishing. (A/N: George: Don't even think about it Emily!) Boromir and Haldir rode together. Gimli was sitting rather uncomfortably atop Brego with Aragorn and finally George rode up between Eomer and Theoden's steeds atop Yoshie.

"Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift. The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle-earth is about to begin." Declared Gandalf.

"Whoopty do!" Exclaimed George sarcastically.

"All our hopes now lie with to little Hobbits somewhere in the wilderness."

****

The horses slowly made their way though Fangorn forest towards the tower of Orthanc.

"Emily, I am sorry if I upset you earlier. I was just trying to sort out the situation your brother so helpfully got us in." Sighed Legolas not being able to bare the silence between him and Emily.

"Hhmmh!" 

"Is that all you are going to say?" Asked Legolas doing that annoyingly cute lopsided grin he does so well.

"I am too busy right now to except your apology."

"Busy doing what?" 

"Perfecting my Kiera Knightly pout and observing the way the tips of your ears turn pink every time I put my hand on your thigh."

"Well you do not remember the last time your hands went wondering."

"Are you ever going to tell me?"

"Maybe when we get married." Smiled Legolas.

"Do you mean that?" She said hopefully.

"Of course, unless your brother decides to kill me first."

Legolas was cut off by the sound of Hobbit laughter.

"Welcome, my Lords to Isengard!" Exclaimed Merry.

"Yay the little people are back!" Chirped George.

"You, young rascals!" Roared Gimli from behind Aragorn. "A merry hunt you've led us on, and now we find you feasting and…and…smoking!"

"Weeeeeeeeeed!!!!!!!!!" Screamed George with delight.

"We are sitting on a field of victory, enjoying a few well-earned comforts." Pippin grinned inanely. "The salted pork is particularly good."

The dwarfs conduct brightened immediately at this, "Salted pork?"

"Hobbits…" Laughed Gandalf to himself.

"Well this is great! Traipsing through floodwater. Yoshie's not as big as your horses you know!" Complained George.

"Young Master Gandalf." Began Treebeard.

"Young?" Inquired George failing to get an answer.

"I am glad you have come. Wood and water. Stock and stone I can master, but there is a wizard to manage here; locked in his tower."

"He's not going to stay there. He's going to open the door and release his wild evil gism free!" Sang George.

"Shut up you fuck!" Called Emily.

"Well let's just have his head and be done with it!" Grunted Gimli.

"No, he has no power anymore." Replied Gandalf.

"Gism." Stated George.

*slap* Emily got back on Arod this time in front of Legolas.

"The filth of Saruman is washing away." Said Treebeard.

"Hey what washing powder did you use 'cause Aragorn could really do with some." Asked Boromir.

"Trees will come back to live here."

"Can't we turn it into a Cuban tobacco harvest?" Asked George.

Emily shook her head in disappointment.

"Young trees, wild trees." Treebeard was verging on excitement.

"Pippin!" Yelled Aragorn as the young Hobbit picked up the Palantir.

"Ooooh my shiny thing!" Yelped George who jumped off Yoshie and ran towards the Hobbit with the ultimate intention of confiscating the afore said shiny thing.

"Peregrin Took, I'll take that, my lad." Said Gandalf holding out his hand.

The Hobbit seemed to take a minute before reluctantly handing over the Palantir.

"Thank you Gandalf for getting that for me…" Began George. "Now if you'll just hand it over." Gandalf began to ride off. "Hey! Gandalf…Gandalf…He's forgotten his hearing aid again!" George returned to Yoshie who was bouncing up and down. "I don't know what you are so happy about!"

The group returned to Edoras racing through the plains of Rohan to where a celebration was taking place.

"Tonight we remember those who gave their blood to defend this country." Announced Theoden holding out his goblet in honor. "Hail the victorious dead!"

"Hail" Sounded through the hall.

"Free beer!!!!!!!!!!!!" Celebrated Emily and George.

Eowyn approached Aragorn slowly holding a cup for him to drink from. "Westu, Aragorn, hal."

"What did she say?" Asked George to Emily.

"No matter how many post-it notes I put up telling her that Aragorn does not and will not fancy her she still doesn't seem to get the picture." Grumbled Emily.

"I am not having her choose Aragorn over me!" Fumed George.

"Hey don't sweat it. I have a feeling Eowyn is not all she is cracked up to be!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You'll see. Ooooh singing!" Emily dragged George over to the table where Merry and Pippin were entertaining the crowds. 

"Oh you can search far and wide, 

you can drink the whole town dry,

but you'll never find a beer so brown as the one we drink in our home town!

You can keep your fancy ales,

you can drink them by the flagon, 

but the only brew for the brave and true comes from the green dragon!"

"Hey you two." Called a random man from the crowd pointing at Emily and George. "Sing us a song!"

Emily and George looked at each other and climbed up onto the table.

"Are you sure this is wise?" Asked Legolas remembering the last time Emily and George launched into song,

"Yeah it'll be fine!" Smiled George.

"Right well here we go." Said Emily as George and herself launched into there version of 'Like a Virgin' by Madonna.

"I made it past clitoris, and then I made it through,

didn't know how hard it was until I found the lube.

I am small with a tail, all this swimming it's got me frail, 

But at last I've won, I said at last I'd won as I entered the womb.

Like a sperm, spurted for the very first time,

like a sperm, got me swimming one last time.

There's the egg and it's mine,

I will claim it and in nine months time,

Yes you will find out, oh yes you will find out,

That the baby is mine!

Like a sperm, hey spurted for the very first time,

Like a sperm, got me swimming one last time."

Emily and George took a bow in front of the silent crowd.

"What did ya think?" Asked Emily.

"…" Answered Legolas.

"See so good he's speechless!" Laughed George.

****

A/N: Emily: Again I apologize for the Sperm song. It was written by Lauren and I (Fear of a Fruit Bat drummer) when we were bored walking home from school! George made me put it in here.

George: I think you should share the important message that the song gives out. Now the thank yous to our radiant reviewers:

Pretendingotbesane- Hey I know that song. Well we do aim to surprise!

Shadowz: I love that taters rap. I can't stop listening to it! Of course you are the pervy kid who else would it be!

Anime no Megami – Not only did we hint Boz/Hal we are definitely going for the whole donkey! Well with limits!

Snowfire the Kitsune- A fellow rambler! I will treasure your mischief.

Snow crystals – Hey! Howz you? I think I answered your question on MSM. George and I are back with a vengeance.

Tidus'luvr99 – Dirty mind! We have something in common! We have seen the Holy Grail! A definite laugh out loud film! I love Monty Python!  


	21. Goodbye to ye olde friends Hello to ye o...

A/N: Emily here, George has gone missing! No I really have no idea where he is. Haven't seen him for hours now. Oh well all is good because we have 68 reviews!!!!!!!!!!!! I was soooooooo surprised with the response to the last chapter. Thank you! 

Disclaimer: It wasn't me it was George that stole everything. Go sue him.

**Chapter Twenty – Goodbye to ye olde friends. Hello to ye olde English.**

"'tis a shame that you are leaving fair wench." Exclaimed George.

"What did you say?" Asked a bemused Haldir.

"And my dear olde comrade Boromir, twas a honor to be your friend."

"Huh?"

"Let me explain, George has decided that this fanfic needs some class added to it, Hence the old English." Said Emily.

"Well can you tell him to stop, I can't understand a word he is saying." Asked Boromir.

"George?"

"Yes my fair wench."

"Shuteth Upeth! "

"Ok."

"Thank you. Come here Boz give us a hug." 

"Are you certain you want to leave?" Inquired George in a final attempt to get Boromir to stay.

"I have thought this through a lot. I am sick of war; it nearly cost me the love of my life. I am going to stay with Haldir in Lothlorien. I hope you can understand."

"Of course Boromir. Hey if I had the chance to get out of here and snuggle with my honey I would." Smiled Emily.

"Same here. Good hunting Boromir! If we get through his we'll drop in on you some time."

"I will very much appreciate it." 

"Have you said goodbye to everyone else?" Asked George.

"Yes. Legolas and Gimli were very understanding. Oh and Aragorn even felt compelled to hug me, which would have been a nice gesture if it wasn't for the strange combination of blue cheese, wet dogs and broad beans that have gone off, irradiating from him!"

Emily and George hugged their sarcy companion one more time and with this Haldir and Boromir left the plot.

"I'll miss him." Sighed Emily. "Are you crying?!"

"No! I don't cry I have hobbies!" Answered George sharply running of into the hall.

"I need comforting. Where's my elf?"

Emily found her elf outside the great hall looking in the direction of Mordor with his hood drawn up.

"Forget to wash your hair or something?" Asked Emily.

Legolas just smiled at this. "Are you alright? You look upset."

"Boromir and Haldir have just left for Lòrien."

"Yes I saw them leave. Are you not happy for them?"

"Of course I am but Boz was great for comic relief."

"You mean I'm not funny enough for you?" Asked Legolas with a pout.

"Well frankly you are hardly a laugh a minute Master elf."

Legolas smiled. "Let us take your mind off of Boromir's departure. Tell me something about your home."

"What do you want to know?"

"Anything."

"Well some dude in some company decided that it would be a great idea to make alphabet shaped spaghetti."

"Excuse me?" Legolas frowned in confusion.

"You said anything! Anyway, they make these letters of spaghetti, then dip them into watered down ketchup, then proceed to put them into mini tin with cartoons on them so children will beg their mummies to buy them."

"What is spaghetti?"

"Uncultured swine." Mumbled Emily.

"There you are." Sighed Aragorn as he approached the two. "What are you doing?"

"Enforcing some culture upon this idiot." Smiled Emily.

"If that was said by Legolas about you that sentence would have made a lot more sense!" Laughed Aragorn.

"If you were not my friend I would have to hit you for belittling my lady." Said Legolas suddenly becoming very serious.

Emily proceeded to swoon and fall over.

"Now look what you did!" Cried Aragorn.

"The stars are veiled." Said Legolas as he picked up Emily.

"Ouch that hurt!" Moaned Emily as she rubbed her rump.

"Would you like me to assist?" Asked Legolas with a smirk.

"Not while I'm here." Coughed Aragorn.

"Something stirs in the East…" Continued Legolas.

"That could just be the curry George had earlier."

"A sleepless malice. The eye of the enemy is moving." Legolas ignored Emily's comment.

"I really should be stopping Pippin right now but I just can't seem to leave you." Beamed Emily as she stared up at her elf.

"Stop Pippin doing what?" Asked a wary Aragorn.

"Oh he going to pilfer that shiny thing that George wanted." Said Emily flippantly.

"What!" Cried Aragorn.

"He is here!" Cried Legolas.

Aragorn, Legolas and Emily all stormed off to where the hobbit should have been sleeping.

"Help him! Someone help him!" Merry's cries could be heard from afar causing George to rush to the scene as well. He ran into the room to find Aragorn struggling to hold the Palantir. Finally he lost his grip and the Palantir rolled across the room. Gandalf picked up a cloth and threw over the sphere. George seizing the opportunity picked it up.

"Jenkie jenkie." He whispered to himself.

"Look at me." Said Gandalf as he leaned over the warped out Pippin.

Emily lost interest in the conversation as she watched a rather pregnant George vacating the room.

"Look at me. What did you see?" Probed Gandalf.

"…A tree… There was a white tree…in a courtyard of stone… It was dead." Answered the hobbit.

"The courtyard or the tree?" Asked a confused Emily.

Legolas looked at her lovingly with a slight smirk.

"Hey don't patronize me you fuck." She snapped with a pout.

"Minas Tirith? Is that what you saw?" Continued the Wizard.

"I saw…I saw him! I could hear His voice in my head!" Sniveled Pippin.

"Galadriel's a man!!!!!!" Yelped George poking his head around the doorframe with furrowed eyebrows.

Emily shot him a look.

"What did you tell him about Frodo and the Ring?!" Asked Gandalf with urgency lacing his voice.  

****

"We have been strangely fortunate. Pippin saw in the Palantir, which may I add has disappeared, a glimpse of the enemy's plan." Stated Gandalf with mild annoyance. "Sauron moves to strike the city of Minas Tirith. His defeat at Helm's Deep showed our enemy one thing: He knows the heir of Elendil has come forth. Men are not as weak as He supposed; there is courage still. Strength enough perhaps to challenge Him. Sauron fears this." 

"Well Aragorn's stench would frighten anyone." Sniggered George.

"He will not risk the peoples of Middle-Earth uniting under one banner."

"Banners! Right we will need sequins, felt-tips, material and fabric paint." Squealed a very excited and creative Emily.

"Not that kind of Banner you moron!" Snapped George.

"Can I make one anyway? With 'Go Legolas' written on it with glitter pens!" 

"If it will get rid of you for an hour then yes you may." Barked Gandalf.

Emily scuttled off in search of all things shiny.

"…Rohan must be ready for war." Finished Gandalf.

"I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!" Cheered George.

The wizard walked over to Aragorn and mumbled something about Black Ships, which went straight over George's head who was laughing at Emily who came in with a felt-tip glued to her head.

"Stupid super glue!" She grumbled.

"I ride for Minas Tirith." Stated Gandalf.

"Yay he is leaving!" Cheered Emily until she shriveled under Gandalf's haunting gaze.

"…And I won't be going alone."

Everyone on the room gulped and held their breath until they were sure that he wasn't going to drag them along.

"Come on Em lets see what we can do about that pen on your head." Smirked George as he dragged his sister outside.

****

"Is it working?" Reluctantly asked Emily.

"Define the word working!" Grinned George. "Were you particularly fond of the skin on your forehead?"

"George!"

"Just kidding! Hang on just one more…there we go all done."

Emily began to rub her head just to be sure.

"George I've been thinking."

"Did it hurt?"

"So not funny! I'm being serious, which is a big event for me."

"So what's the deal then?" Asked George sitting down ready to listen.

"Well we have two options: One we stay here, fight at Pelenor and die, or two we bugger off to find Frodo and Sam, run like the wind when Mount Doom blows it top, and then get airlifted to safety by fluffy eagles."

"One problem. I would much rather face thousands of Orcs than one rather frightening, big arsed, fucking ARACHNID!"

"You don't like spiders much, do you?" Laughed Emily. 

"No not much!"

"Well with TNT you will not have to face a rather frightening, big arsed, fucking arachnid. Instead you will have to face the itty bity remains of the afore said arachnid." 

"So Einstein how do we get to Frodo and Sam without spending the rest of this fic stuck up a mountain!"

"That's where you come in." Replied Emily.

"Explain."

"I was hoping you could come up with a solution. I'm all thought out."

"Fine, we will need something stealthy…"

"Yeah!"

"Something fast…"

"Uber fast!"

"Something wicked…"

"Mad for it!"

"We need…we need help!" Finished George.

"We need the Guru." Stated Emily.

"Somehow I do not think the Guru extends to Middle-Earth."

"Oh but you are wrong my dear brother the Guru is everywhere. In fact he is up that mountain." Said Emily motioning to the mountains behind Edoras.

****

"What are you doing?" Asked Aragorn as he and Legolas walked into George's room to find him and Emily packing.

"We are on a quest." Announced George.

Legolas raised an eyebrow. "What kind of quest?"

"We are in search of the Guru." Answered Emily.

"The what?" Said a bemused Aragorn.

"The Guru is going to help us."

"Help you with what?" 

"Help us find Fro…" Emily slapping her hand over George's mouth cut George off.

"Help us find frogs!" Finished Emily quickly.

"Frogs? Why?"

"Why not?" Replied Emily. 

"Well I shall come with you then." Said Legolas.

"No!"

"Why not? I am not letting you out of my sight. It is too dangerous." 

"George will look after me and besides the frogs won't like you." Emily began the babble fest.

"The frogs won't like me?" Replied an incredulous Legolas.

"Did you know frogs cannot swallow without blinking?" Asked Emily hoping to change the topic.

"Look we won't be gone long. We will be back before you will even miss us." Smiled George.

"Damn!" Muttered Aragorn.

"Don't worry Leggsie. I'll get her back to you on one piece." Ensured George.

"Alright, but promise you will be careful."

"We promise." 

"And you will not do anything stupid."

"That we can't promise, you know what we are like!" Emily and George smiled and left ready to start their quest for the Guru.

"They are up to something." Stated Aragorn.

"Yes well I hope whatever it is they know what they are doing."

"When have they ever known what they were doing?!" Laughed Aragorn.

"You forget that they know how all this ends. They may have a very good reason for this quest they are going on."

"Legolas, has Emily ever let slip anything of what is to happen?" Asked Aragorn.

"Only once. She told me that you would return after you fell from that cliff."

"I bet she was pleased about that!" smirked Aragorn. "I get the distinct feeling she doesn't like me."

"That is because she doesn't," Said Legolas with a smile. The elf left Aragorn with a frown upon his face.

****

A/N: Emily: Yes Boromir is gone! How could we? Well we needed a some reason for Denethor to go crazy. We thought his fave son running off with an elf to Lothlorien might do the trick! The next chapter kind of leads us off on a tangent but that is kind of what we are renowned for! Now for the thank you to are rampaging reviewers:

Aniviel-Eledhwen – I looked at your profile and from your email address I got the idea that your middle name is Elizabeth. Is it? That would be weird as you said I kinda remind you of yourself and my middle name is Elizabeth.

Ladyof Rivendell – Glad you like!

Tidus'luvr99 – Thank you for the song I now have it stuck in my head because George felt the need to learn the words!

Snow crystals – Yep getting fresh means what you think it means! As for Legolas and I getting fresh, you will have to wait till the end!

ElfAngel5687 – Interesting is definitely a word to describe this!

Shadowz – I hope you haven't been stalking poor Lauri! Oh dear Boz has left just as you were starting to like him. Maybe I can bring him back for a cameo! When we are back at school I could serenade you with a rendition of the now infamous Sperm song.

Voyd – Thailand eh? Thank you for all the cookies.

Pretendingtobesane – Glad you liked the song. Not everyone did!

LeaRobins Leana Scarlette – More hilarity and Legolas for you!

Snowfire the Kitsune – More Mischief! Sorry you didn't like the song, hope this chapter got you into a better mood!


	22. Gurus and Foreign languages

A/N: George: Hellllooooooo! Ready for more?

Emily: Be quiet!

George: Why?

Emily: We have to be discreet! I have been warned that men in black suits are after us!

G: Oh. *whispers* 

Disclaimer: We…don't…we…own…nothing big scary dude in a suit.

****

**Chapter Twenty-One – Gurus and foreign languages.**

****

"Why didn't you want Legolas to know that we are going to join Frodo and Sam?" asked George as he pulled Emily up over a ledge.

Emily and George had been climbing for three hours and had made surprisingly good progress in scaling the mountain.

"Yes Legolas I am going to Mordor! Don't worry honey I won't let the big orange eye kill me. Somehow I do not think he would have been thrilled with this development."

"Good point. So this Guru then, what's his name?"

"Professor Xtian. He is a fully qualified Guru, graduated last year."

"How do you know about him?"

"He helped my friend find their hamster."

"Where was it?"

"In the U-bend of their toilet. Look there he is." Emily pointed to the top of the mountain where the outline of a man could be seen.

An Afro the likes of which has never been seen on a white man jutted out on the horizon. A long blue robe spread about him, which looked suspiciously like a dressing gown adorned his body. 

"Ah my children I have been waiting for you." His voice called out.

"Good afternoon my dear Guru and how are you this fine day?" Asked Emily.

"I feel as if the wind is upon my left and not on my right."

"Huh?" George scratched his head. "Yeah I often feel like that!"

"How may I assist you young ones?" Asked the Guru.

"Well, Professor Xtian we have decided to help Frodo and Sam on their quest but we need your aid in traveling to Mordor." Explained Emily.

"Mordor eh?! That sounds like bit of a trek." Replied Xtian as he pondered on a solution.

"Em? Do you hear birds?" Asked George.

"Now you mention it I can hear something high pitched."

"Oh whato! That's just my phone, excuse me for a second." The Guru reached into his leather satchel and pulled out a cell phone. "Gorgeous gifted Guru's, what is philosophical dilemma..? Vikings eh?! They ain't so tough!." The Guru quickly hung up and rose in great majesty. "My dear children I must fly. Could you turn on the dry ice please?"

George bent down and switched on the dry ice machine.

"I am afraid that you shall have to figure out your predicament yourselves. However, when in doubt stay with the elf, man and dwarf!"

"Goodbye Guru!" Called Emily.

"See you later Mr. Xtian Sir!" Shouted George.

The Guru was carried of on his dry ice but just before he disappeared he called out his mantra:

"Remember kids, never forget yourselves!"  

"Well, that was helpful." Moaned George.

"The Guru is right, if in doubt stay with the elf, man and dwarf. Do you feel any doubt about going to help Frodo and Sam?"

"I feel as if I am breathing in doubt through every oral cavity in my body!"

"Nicely put, very graphic."

"Can we go back now? There's a strange aroma up here."

"I think Xtian left his morning shoes here. Come on then."

It took the two teenagers a lot longer to get down the mountain than it did to get up it due to steep gradients not being their specialty.

On their arrival back at Edoras Emily and George plonked themselves in the middle of the Great Hall and began to whine.

"Food! I need food." Cried George. "I'm wasting away."

"I need my elf." Pouted Emily. "My feet need rubbing."

"Poor Legolas." Muttered George.

"Did someone say my name?" Asked the elf standing behind them.

"Wuh! It's uber creepy when you do that!" Said a startled George.

"It is good to have you back." Smiled Legolas as he gathered Emily up into his arms. "Are you alright? Did anything attack you? Do you need to rest?"

"Stop with the questions! I am fine. The only thing that attacked us was the horrible blood sucking midges and as for rest: Yes please!"

"Some food would be good too." Said George from his position on the floor.

Legolas threw George an apple much to George's annoyance and continued to fuss over Emily.

"No that red mark was there before."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"So how did the quest go?"

"Point less!" Squealed George as some form of bug crawled out of the apple core. "Ahh! Legolas is trying to kill me!"

"You named the bug Legolas?" Asked Emily.

"No you moron! Legolas sent the bug to destroy me!"

"If I wanted to destroy you I would not use a bug." Smirked Legolas.

"You are seriously getting paranoid George." Laughed Emily.

"You are the one that said he was evil!" Cried George in defense.

"You think I'm evil?" Asked a confused and slightly hurt looking Legolas.

"Well those weren't exactly my words." Cringed Emily.

"Yes they were, in Fangorn Forest you said, and I quote: 'He is evil.' Cannot get much clearer than that."

"Shut your mouth before I ram that apple into it!" Cried Emily. "What I meant was that sometimes you have this look in your eyes that suggests… Oh who am I kidding! Yes I think you are evil but I still love you. Do you still love me?"

"So you like bad boys then?" Asked Legolas.

"Depends."

"On what?"

"On if they are as lovely as you!"

"Right that is it I am off before you two make me physically and emotionally ill! I'm gonna find Aragorn." Before George could pull himself up Aragorn came running though the door. When I say running I mean half skipping, a quarter prancing and the other quarter limping.

"The Beacons of Minas Tirith! The Beacons are lit!"

Everyone stared at Aragorn and then at Legolas, Emily and George.

"No we don't know him either!" Laughed George helpfully.

"Gondor calls for aid!" Shouted a breathless Aragorn.

"And Rohan will answer. Muster the Rohirrim!" Answered Theoden motioning to Eomer.

Everyone began to assemble outside ready to ride to Dunharrow.

"On the third, we ride for war." Said a passionate Theoden.

"You mean we're not going to run away?" Moaned a disappointed Emily.

"Come on you ride with me." Said Legolas as he pulled her up onto Arod.

"That only a small compensation!" Grumbled Emily. "Stupid green ghosts"

"Ghosts?" Legolas raise a delicate eyebrow.

"Oh nothing, just the ramblings of a mad woman!" Answered Emily quickly. "So where is George then?"

"Last I saw he was trying to remove Yoshie from Aragorn's ankle. I think the smell of Orc blood got too much for the poor little dragon to resist!" Answered Legolas with a smile.

"Gotta love that dragon." Giggled Emily as Arod spurred off.

 The ride to Dunharrow was, despite being sat up against Legolas, very uncomfortable for Emily who was experiencing thigh cramps like never before.

"Please can we stop!" Cried Emily.

"Aragorn, Emily and I will catch you up at Dunharrow. Emily needs to stop." Informed Legolas.

"Alright but be careful."

"Don't worry I will stay with them." Smiled George. "I'm not leaving them two alone again!"

"I am beginning to dislike you." Pouted Emily.

"Here seat on this log." Said Legolas.

"Don't mind if I do." Chirped George as he skipped over to the log.

"I meant Emily!"

"Don't worry Legolas. I would prefer to stand. I really don't know how you can ride those horses for more than half an hour. I can't feel half of my butt!"

"Would you like me to aid you in recovering the feeling there?" Asked Legolas with a smile on his face.

*coughcough* George fell off the log.

"Maybe later!" Said Emily.

^I may have to take you up on that!^ said Legolas.

"What was that?" Asked George.

^What did you say?^ Inquired Legolas in confusion.

"Em, why is Legolas speaking another language?"

"Legolas speak English!"

^I cannot understand a word you are saying. What language are you speaking?^  Legolas shook his head in confusion.

"One minute everything is fine the next everything had gone arse over tit!" Remarked George.

"Just another usual day in fandom!" Sighed Emily. 

"I know! Em speak Elvish then Legolas will understand!"

"What do you want me to say?! All I can do is tell him to sit down and that is at the best of times!"

"Well it's a start." Shrugged George.

"Legolas _Havo Dad_."

Legolas looked on in confusion but did as he was told.

"Legolas, do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?"

"_Mani ume lle quena?_" Asked the elf in Elvish.

"Em translate!"

"Urm… I think he said…urm… what did…monkeys…no that's not right…say…What did you say?!" Emily smiled triumphantly.

"Great! Well you are crap at Elvish. Legolas is speaking gobbledygook and does not understand a word English. I am sensing a glitch in the Matrix!" Sighed George.

"Wait! Languages…Gobbledygook…Middle-earth…"

"Is this going anywhere?" Groaned George.

"That's it Westron! He is speaking Westron!" 

^Westron is the language I am speaking but I know not what you say!^ Said Legolas.

"Shut-up elf boy!" Snapped George. "Why the sudden change in language he was speaking English just fine and dandy before?"

"Well it could be that the authoress has just realized that if in fact she did land in Middle-earth the common tongue is not English like in the films but in fact Westron!" Explained Emily as she sat on Legolas' lap.

"Well can't we just tell her to un-realize it?!" Cried George. "And quickly to! Before you to start using body language to express what you want to say!"

"I'm not going to understand Legolas! No my love will be silent." Emily began to get all over-dramatic and began to cry.

_"Avo nallo, mellamin." _Whispered Legolas. (Don't cry, my love.)

"I don't know what you just said but I liked it." Sniffed Emily.

"So how do we solve this one Sherlock?!" Sighed George collapsing to the ground. "Stupid Westron!"

****

Emily: Well there you have it, it is ransom time. Other authors hold their chapters up for ransom for reviews but we would never do that, oh no no no!

George: Instead we have decided to hold the English language up for ransom. Until we get more than 80 reviews Legolas and co will no longer be able to speak English!

Now for the thank yous:

Rainbow Dreamer – Don't make us write you in and give you an untimely death scene involving Mrs. Hunt.

Shadowz – Ooooooh Concert! I bought their album yesterday! Sperm forever.

Pretendingtobesane – Kung Fu competition!

Snowfire the Kitsune – Yes me and my drummer did write the sperm song. Sorry! Glad the last chapter cheered you up!

Snow crystals – G: No getting fresh! E: Yes getting fresh! G: No! E: Yes, you'll never stop me! Ha Ha Ha!


	23. Meet you outside the CGI city

A/N: George: Hello we are back for a speedy return. Sod 80 reviews 79 is close enough! I am proud of all you little reviewers!

Emily: Now are you ready for this because a lot of blood, sweat and tears went into this!

Disclaimer: Whatever we jenked we jenked it for you and not to line our pockets.

**Chapter Twenty-Two – Meet you outside the CGI city**.

"Well we aren't going to solve anything here, are we?" Sighed Emily.

"Fine, come on Legolas." Called Emily, walking towards Arod and Yoshie. Legolas not having a clue what was being said stayed where he was.

"Legolas. We." George pointed dramatically at himself, Emily and Legolas, "Must. Go. To. The. Horses." George pointed at the horses. Legolas raised an eyebrow. George strolled over and pushed the offending eyebrow back down. "This is hopeless! Legolas! Horses! Now!"

Legolas rose suddenly, ^Please don't do that again^ 

He walked over to Arod and in one swift movement pulled himself and Emily up onto the horse.

^Are you coming?^ Smirked Legolas watching George trying to catch Yoshie who was blinking profusely.

 ****

^Aragorn we have a problem!^ 

On arrival to Dunharrow Legolas had gone in search of Aragorn straight away.

^What is it? Is something wrong?!" Said the anxious Ranger.

^It's Emily and George!^ Began Legolas.

^Well I could have told you they were a problem from the moment we met them!^

^They are speaking another language. I cannot understand a word they are saying!^

^Isn't that a good thing?!^ Laughed Aragorn.

^This is not funny. How are we supposed to communicate with them? What if they need to warn us about something? Remember what Galadriel said.^

^How do you mean they are speaking another language?^

^See for yourself.^ Legolas pointed Aragorn in the direction of Emily and George who were arguing over the pigment of green a blade of grass was.

^Emily? George? How are you this fine day?^ Asked Aragorn warily.

"Didn't Legolas tell you? We can't speak Westron! Stupid human!" Laughed George.

"Wait, we're human you idiot!" Said Emily scratching her head.

^Legolas was right. How did this happen?^

^I am always right^ Smiled the elf as he approached. ^Do you think it is a sign of things to come?^

^It could be. Despite their outer appearance they know things that only the wisest know. Oh how I wish Gandalf was here.^ Sighed Aragorn.

"Gandalf! Did you mention Gandalf?! No he's coming back isn't he?! Noooooo!!!!!!!" Cried Emily.

Legolas rushed to her side. ^Melamin, what is wrong? Has something happened to Gandalf?^

"Gandalf is coming! Hide! Quick George find a rock!"

George leant down and picked up a rock.

"No you imbecile! A rock to hide behind!"

^A rock, I don't understand.^ Legolas looked on in confusion.

^You don't think they mean that Gandalf has been hurt?" Asked Aragorn.

^By a rock?^ Asked an incredulous Legolas.

George found a big boulder and started to wave frantically at Emily. This drew everyone's attention.

^Not any little rock! But a huge one! Oh Gandalf!^ Cried Aragorn.

^It can't be!^ Legolas shook his head in disbelief. ^Emily tell me not Gandalf has fallen.^ Legolas looked pleadingly into Emily's eyes.

"Legolas looks upset! What do I do?" Emily panicked.

"The universal language of nodding. Nod." George suggested. Emily did as he said but Legolas seemed only to become more distressed.

"No that didn't work!" Emily placed her arms around Legolas. "It's OK I won't let Gandalf hurt you." 

^This is a sad day for all.^ Aragorn bowed his head and began to walk away.

"They really must be upset that they cannot understand our witty mannerisms!" Cried George with glee.

"I think they are just scared that Gandalf is on his way back." Emily left Legolas sitting on the bolder George had found and followed her brother who was approaching Aragorn.

They found Aragorn glancing in the direction of the mountains; a green mist began to form revealing the figure of the King of the Dead.

"Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ghosts!!!!!!!!! Exorcist we need an exorcist!" Shrieked George.

"Never fear Emily is here with her trusty Holy Water." Emily pulled out a bottle and began to splash the substance over the side of the mountain.

"Em that is not Holy Water, its VODKA!"

"Exactly! Russian Holy Water!" 

^What's going on?!^ Cried Gimli who had wondered over in search of food.

^No idea. Better leave them to it^ Aragorn led Gimli away preparing to tell him the sad news of the morning.

"Will you stop?! It's gone now!" Stated George.

"Did I exorcise it? Asked Emily hopefully.

"Yes little one, you scared the big bad ghost away." Answered George patting Emily on the head.

"I have an idea! Fun time!" Emily dragged George over to where Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli were seated.

"Aragorn?" Emily kneeled in front of the man. "Would you like a make-over?" 

^Legolas what is she saying?^

^ The universal language of nodding. Nod.^ Suggested Legolas.

Aragorn nodded his head slowly, before he could change his mind Emily had him seated directly in front of her, comb in her right hand, hairspray in her left.

Twelve hours later…

"Ta da!" Emily announced the end of Aragorn's ordeal.

^What did she do?^ Squeaked Aragorn reluctantly.

^It is hard to say really.^ Sniggered Legolas desperately trying to calm the laughter brewing in his throat.

^Legolas a mirror!^ Cried Aragorn.

^Why do you ask me for a mirror?^

Aragorn glared at the elf.

^Fine, fine but do not break it!^ Sighed Legolas grudgingly handing over the mirror.

Aragorn made a strangled cry, then some form of grunt before passing out on the floor.

"Well I though he looked radiant!" Pouted Emily.

^Melamin, I think it is time you went and rest.^ Said Legolas pointing to one of the tents.

"George? I think Legolas wants to have sex with me!" Stated a confused but willing Emily.

George stomped over to Legolas slapped him with a leather glove, then proceeded to drag the poor elf by his ears away from his sister.

"Hey! Bring back my elf! I wasn't protesting at having a love slave!" Called Emily after her brother.

Soon after George reappeared looking rather guilty.

"What did you do to my elf?!" Roared Emily.

"It turns out after a lot of frantic gestures and a notepad that Legolas was telling you to go to sleep." George looked at his feet.

"We need to sort out this language barrier!" Sighed Emily.

"Any ideas?" Asked George positioning himself across from his sister.

"We could teach them English."

"Or we could learn Westron."

"Bad idea, Westron's such a flemmy language."

"Oooh! Idea, magic bag!" Yelped George.

"Huh?"

"If you can produce Quad bikes, TNT and a green dragon from that bag I think the English language should be a doddle." 

"Well it is worth a try. Magic bag I want the English language." Emily waited for a moment until a large lump formed in the base of the bag.

"The darkness of the sky is oppressing me, a thousand dark blades of grass are caressing my skin. Tis were a strange land I have befallen in!"

"Emily? Who's this dude?" Asked George prodding the newly formed man.

"I believe this is Shakespeare." Said Emily with her mouth wide open.

"Hark fair maiden, young sir, what day is this?" Said Shakespeare.

"It's Happy Historical Figure Day at the Middle-earth Aquarium. Do you have a reservation?" Asked George with a grin.

Shakespeare was about to retort when an elongated pink tongue wrapped around his ruff and pulled him into the waiting oblivion that is Yoshie's stomach.

"You ate Shakespeare!" Snapped Emily.

"Go Yoshie! That's for all the essays I had to write at school you bastard!" Cried George.

"Well that's just great. First speck of hope and…" Before Emily could continue Yoshie began to squeak.

"Em the dragon is spazzing out! What do we do?!" 

"It's your dragon!"

"I think it's going to explode!" George ducked behind the infamous bolder.

Emily looked on as Yoshie squeezed out an egg.

"Baby!" Emily squealed with delight.

"Not to put a dampener on the delightful situation, but who or what in their right mind would impregnate Yoshie?!" Squirmed George.

"Maybe we should crack it" Said Emily shaking the egg slightly.

"Could work." George began to tap the egg on the bolder until a small crack appeared.

Unpredictably (as most of this fanfic is) a flow of words flew out of the egg and spread over the land.

"It's the English language!" Laughed Emily. "Yoshie you're a star!"

Emily embraced the dragon that sat happily bouncing up and down.

"Alls well that ends well! Bedtime now, me very tired." George yawned dramatically. 

****

Elrond, followed closely behind by Elladan and Elrohir arrived silently in the night at Dunharrow in search of Aragorn. 

Meanwhile a certain Elven Prince was heading in the direction of a certain human's tent.

Legolas carefully pulled up the flap to Emily's tent, hoping not to disturb George who slept in the tent next to his sister's.

"Ah Prince Lustolas of Smirkwood. What brings you here this fine night?" Smiled George.

Legolas span round at the sound of George's voice emanating from a dark corner.

"I understand you!" Stated Legolas with great surprise. "How?"

"Emily and I solved the problem. However, you have avoided the question."

"Oh. I thought this was Emily's tent?" Asked Legolas carefully.

"It was. However, I thought it in her best interests if I moved her."

"Where?"

"Somewhere, where horny little elves can't find her! Goodnight Legolas!" Grinned George as he watched the disgruntled elf return to his tent.

**** 

"Take the Dimholt road." Stated Elrond as he turned to leave.

"Where are you going?" Asked Aragorn.

"I have to tell someone something that should have been said long before." Answered Elrond.

"What about me?" Whined Aragorn.

"Go forth and tell Eowyn to leave you alone. I will not have you cheating on my daughter!"

*Grumble grumble* Aragorn went to find Brego leaving Elrond in the King's tent.

****

"Master George are you here?" Elladan and Elrohir popped their heads into George's tent.

A mass of tangled sheets began to shift and roll.

"Do you think that is him?" laughed Elrohir.

"He reminds me of you, dear brother, whenever I have the unfortunate task of waking you up!" Elladan said as he observed George's head poke out from the blankets.

"Oh great more horny elves! Look Emily is not here! Go away! Yeesh that girl must have some kind of elf radar." Grumbled George.

"We are not here for Emily we come looking for you master George." Said the twins in unison.

"Sorry I'm not gay." George pulled the blanket back over his head. "Hey maybe I have an elf radar."

"Master George, our father wishes a word with you." Said Elladan.

"And who might your father be?" Asked the blanket.

"Lord Elrond." Answered Elrohir.

"Lord Elrond's gay!" Cried George.

"I believe we may, as you would say, have our wires crossed." Offered Elladan.

"Our father wishes to talk to you, no more." Explained Elrohir.

"Well that's a lot clearer. Fine, where is he?" Asked George has his untangled himself from his blanket.

"He is in the King's tent awaiting your arrival." Answered Elladan.

"Hey could you guys do me a favor?" Inquired George.

"Of course master George." Answered the twins.

"If that Legolas turns up looking for Emily can you hit him over the head or something?"

"We shall see what we can do." Smiled Elrohir.

George, after a good ten minutes of tripping over his shoelace and walking in the complete opposite direction of the King's tent, finally made it to Elrond.

"Lord Elrond what can I do for you this perfect night for sleeping?!"

"I am sorry for disturbing you George but I have something very important to tell you. I have waited too long I fear. It is time for you to know the truth."

"It's OK I already know." Smiled George.

"You do?!" Elrond's eyebrows stretched upwards trying to reach across the expansive forehead in hope of hitting his hairline.

"Yeah, it's OK being gay. Hey my best mate Boz is gay. I've got no problem with it."

"What!"

"Those twins of yours just informed me. Though I don't really know what your sexuality has to do with me."

"I am not gay!"

"Denial, such a powerful thing." George sighed.

"I do not know what your brother's have been saying but it is not true!" Snapped Elrond.

"Fine, whatever… Hang on…did you…huh?" George was babbling. "Brothers…you said brothers! Huh?..What?!"

" No I didn't!" Gasped Elrond mentally kicking himself.

"Oh yes you did Agent Elrond!" George was on his feet approaching the Elven Lord.

"I am sorry George, I should have told you straight away!"

"Told me what?!"

"George, I am your father."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! That's impossible!"

(A/N: Does this remind you of anything?)

"I am afraid it isn't. I know this is a shock to you but…"

George had passed out on the floor.

****

"George, wake up. Wake up!" Emily was kneeling over her brother.

"This is all my fault!" Cried Elrond.

"Don't worry father, if he is anything like us he will be fine in few moments." Elrohir offered.

With this George shot up. "Wuh?! Emily! Oh my God I had the weirdest dream. There were these clones and they came for me. Then Elrond told me he was my father! It was uber scary!" George began to look around the tent. Everyone except Gimli, who was eating, was standing looking at him. "Can I help you?" Asked George.

"They were worried! So was I! That dream you just told me about wasn't a dream." Emily pointed over to Elrond and the twins.

"Good to see you awake little brother." Smiled Elladan.

"What? How? When? I need some Russian Holy Water!" George gasped.

"Well you see George. I used to be a pornstar in a past life and got around a bit in your reality." Lord Elrond answered shaking his head.

"I am having serious words with mum if we ever get home!" Sighed George.

"Hey! I always thought that your ears were too big for your head!" Laughed Emily.

"Yeah well, I always thought your forehead was too big for your head!" Grunted George.

"Actually, Elrond is not my father, just yours!" Shouted Emily. She stood up abruptly and ran to Legolas. "There's nothing wrong with my forehead is there?"

"Your forehead is perfect, mellamin." Legolas proved his point by kissing Emily softly on her forehead.

"You mean we're only half related!?" Cried George.

"Yes." Said Emily somewhat sadly.

"No, you're my sister, you've always been my sister. You can't now be my half sister. No! This is your fault!" Yelled George pointing at Elrond.

"It's OK for you! You've gained two rather cute elves as your brothers in the process and the bloody Evenstar as your sister!" Screamed Emily.

"Hey!" Grumbled Aragorn in Arwen's defense.

"Now I'm going to be known as the ugly sister!" Emily dropped to the floor and sat crossed legged with a deep frown marring her face.

"You shall never be known as ugly." Legolas scooped Emily up. "I think it would be best if we discussed this later, this has been very trying on Emily and George, we have a battle to ride to soon. We are all in need of some rest."

"I am afraid I will have to leave you now." Stated Aragorn. "I must ride through the paths of the dead."

"Then I shall be coming with you!" Grunted Gimli in between trying to pick bits of meat from out of his teeth.

"Not this time. This time you must stay, Gimli" Said Aragorn.

"Have you learned nothing of the stubbornness of dwarves?" Legolas smirked.

"Might as well accept it. We're going with you, laddie!" Laughed Gimli.

"We shall also be joining you little brother." Stated the twins.

"What? Aragorn's also your brother! I'm related to Aragorn! That's it I'm turning to drink!" George opened a bottled of vodka with his teeth and downed it in one.

"Wherever Legolas goes so do I." Demanded Emily.

"Mellamin, I do not think it is safe for you." Legolas said.

"When has any of this been safe?! Also, whom was it that exorcised that ghost earlier?!" Emily beamed with pride.

Legolas sighed in defeat, knowing he could not dissuade Emily from coming.

"I suppose he'll be coming too!" Groaned Gimli pointing at George who has drunken himself into a stupor.

"George?" Asked Emily.

"uunhhbnnnn." Mumbled George.

Emily knelt next to her brother and pulled his head into her lap.

"You're not coming with us are you?" Sniffed Emily trying to hold back the tears.

"How did you guess?"

"Well I may only be your half sister but I know brain."

"You'll always be my sister, even if I'm riding on Yoshie with the cavalry and you are sailing into Gondor on a pirate ship!"

"Aye Avast!" Called Emily amidst tears.

"Good hunting lil' sis." Said George pulling himself up and wrapping his arms around Emily.

"Good hunting big bro." Said Emily in return.

"You keep that elf of yours away from the sea OK?" Whispered George.

Emily laughed. "And you take care of Merry for me and make sure you take care of that Nazgul."

"Don't Eowyn…"

"Remember when I said she wasn't all she seemed to be? You'll see what I mean." Emily gave George one last hug and a Nurofen tablet the size of a hockey puck!"

"Meet you outside the CGI city!" Shouted George as his sister disappeared out of sight.  

****

A/N: Emily: That was one uber long chapter!

George: Well a lot of revelations in that chapter! Elrond being my dad! Legolas getting horny! Not to mention the fact that Emily and George have been split up! 

Due to the length of this chapter all replies to our wonderful reviewers will be in the next chapter. Here's a little thank you to you all: THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	24. Consequences of a lovers tiff

A/N: Emily here George is absent again. I may have to drill his brain to get his stuff for this story!

I'm going to The Empire Leicester Square tonight to see The Calcium Kid!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!! Yummy yummy Orli!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: And again I blame George.

**Chapter Twenty-Three – The consequences of a lovers tiff.**

"I still do not see why you agreed to letting her come, Legolas!" Sighed Aragorn.

"I have a name!" Cried Emily.

"Wherever I go, Emily goes." Stated Legolas beginning to like the idea of Emily coming with them. At least now he could keep an eye on her. 

The company consisting of Aragorn, Legolas, Emily, Gimli, Elladan and Elrohir made their way, on horseback, towards the Dark Door, the entrance to the Paths of the Dead.

"What kind of army would linger in such a place?" Asked Gimli with a note of hesitation in his voice.

"One that is cursed." Answered Legolas.

"Legolas? Are elves afraid of ghosts?" Asked Emily.

"Elves are scared of very little." Smiled Legolas brimming with pride.

"Are they scared of spiders?"

"No."

"Bats?" 

"No."

"Death?"

"No. It is rare that an elf would have to face death."

"Furbies?"

"What?"

"You never had a Furby! You deprived child! I hated my Furby it would talk in the middle of the night and scare the be-jesus out of me! It was red and furry. In fact it looked a bit like Gimli to be honest." Explained Emily.

"Then I am sure Elves would be positively petrified of it!" Laughed Legolas.

"What about that economy toilet paper that leaves major burning issues?"

"I do not think Elves have been subjected to such tortures as Furbies and economy toilet roll." Legolas smiled another award winning smile.

"You're very cute when you do that." Beamed Emily leaning back against Legolas atop Arod. 

"Are you tired melamin?" 

"Could you tell me a story?" Asked Emily amongst yawns.

"Would you like to hear of how the ghosts came to be in the mountains?"

"That could come in handy for when I try and exorcize them!"

"I do not think Aragorn would be so happy if you did that!"

"When has Aragorn ever been happy with anything I've done?" Laughed Emily.

"Good point. Anyway, where was I?.. Long ago the Men of the Mountain swore an oath to the last King of Gondor to come to his aid, to fight. But when the time came, when Gondor's need was dire, they fled. Vanishing into the darkness of the mountain and so Isildur cursed them…never to rest, until they had fulfilled their pledge."

"This curse then, you wouldn't happen to know where I could my hands on that curse do ya?"

"And why would you want to know that curse?" Asked Legolas warily.

"You are very nosy Legolas Greenleaf!"

"I am just concerned." The elf defended.

"Don't worry your pretty little head I promise I won't curse anyone of importance."

"Yes well, it is your definition of importance that worries me."

"Trust is a virtue." Grinned Emily.

"We are here! Called Aragorn back to the group.

The six of them gathered around the entrance that would lead them to the dead.

"The very warmth of my blood seems drawn away." Mumbled Gimli in fear.

"The way is shut…it was made by those who are dead…and the dead keep it. The way is shut." Read Legolas.

"Well, they don't keep it very clean, do they?!" Moaned Emily.

As soon as she spoke a sudden blast of wind, mingled with the cries of the dead came crashing around them scaring the horses away.

"Brego!" Called Aragorn.

"Well if I had the chance to run, I would." Sighed Emily staring up at the ominous doorway.

Legolas knelt before her, "You do not have to do this. You can turn back to camp if you wish."

"This place is a hell of a lot more scary than it was in the film. However, I am as brave as any elf, I am certainly cleaner than most men around here and I'll be damned before I am to step into that place after a certain pant wetting dwarf shaking over their."

"I am proud of you melamin." Legolas rose and as Aragorn said;

"I do not fear death."

Legolas was following him into the Paths of the Dead with Emily tightly clinging to his hand.

Elladan and Elrohir were close behind.

"Well this is something unheard of! Elves and a girl will go underground where a dwarf dare not! Ahh… I'll never hear the end of it!" Finally relenting Gimli hurried in after the others.

****

"We pillage we plunder we rifle we loot! Drink up me hearties. Yo ho!" Sang George deeply under the influence of Russian Holy Water.

"Master George, we ride for war in the morning. I think it might be best if you let me take that." Eowyn tried to grab the bottle but despite his drunken reflexes George managed to stumble out of her reach. 

"You…two…two maidens!" Slurred George.

"I think the signs of seeing double are suggesting you stop drinking!"

"It's alright…f…f…for you two! You don't have pornstar…el…f…dude, as you're...wotsit?!"

"You mean as your father?" Filled in Eowyn.

"That's the button!" Cheered George. "I…am trau…trau…traumatizzzz…stupid long word!"

"I know it is hard, but it will be find in the end. You are half elven, one of the fair folk!"

"Fair! I am the unfairest half…elf…br…breed thingy in the world!"

"I'm sure that's not true."

"I once told…a m…mate that his…thingy…woman…thing…was having an affair so…so…I…could watch Dragnet on the other…station while he went…l…look…for her." George managed to finish his sentence.

****

"Legolas! I hope that is your hand and not that randy dwarf!" Screamed Emily in the dark.

Legolas' laughter as quiet as it was could be heard.

"Payback!" Emily reached out and pinched the elf's behind.

"Ouch!" Yelped Aragorn.

"Urgh! Germs, Legolas this place is getting worse by the minute."

"I think I made have trod in something." Groaned Elrohir. The elf could be heard scraping his foot against the rocky wall.

"Ascend to the poop deck." Called Emily in a fit of hysteria to no one in particular.

****

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Incest! Incest!" Cried George lashing out the imaginary pixies that were flying around his head.

"Incest? Whatever do you mean?" Asked Eowyn.

"Arwen! I fancied Liv Tyler and Arwen! I fancied my sister!" George howled and collapsed onto the floor.

"I have heard of the Evenstar's beauty." Said Eowyn somewhat bitterly. "I am sure no one would accuse you of anything improper by admitting that you found her attractive."

"Humph!" Sounded George as he buried his head in a cushion. "Please leave. I need time to sort through this hangover. I don't suppose you would have any Nurofen. No, some Prozac then to numb the pain!"

Eowyn shook her head and left George who was now sleeping with an attractive bit of drool emanating from his mouth. 

****

"You know this path is a lot longer than I thought it was going to be!" Sighed Emily.

The six carried on through the darkness but were brought to a halt when a terrifying scream sounded all around them.

"I take it turning back is a closed option now?!" Whimpered Emily.

"I want you to take this." Legolas handed Emily one of his white knives. "It will keep you safe if I am not there to do so."

"What do you mean if your not there?! Where are you going?!"

"I am going nowhere. I assure you, but I cannot watch you constantly."

*grumble grumble*

****

The morning approached the camp of Dunharrow. Horses were being readied as George dragged his hung-over butt out of his tent.

"We must ride light and swift. It is a long road ahead. Man and beast must reach the end with strength enough to fight!" Theoden was adding to the strange buzzing noise George could hear.

"Someone's stamping on my head!" George shouted.

"No, that is just the horses riding off. You had better hurry if you want to join them." Nodded Merry insistently.

"You're too cheerful, you do realize that, don't you?" Groaned George in response.

"It comes with the name!"

Theoden and his guards rode up beside the hobbit and boy.

"Little hobbits do not belong in war, master Meriadoc." Stated the King.

"Oh don't you worry King dude. He isn't going to war he is just helping me get ready." Smiled George.

Theoden seemed satisfied with this and rode off.

"Why did you say that?" Asked Merry tears threatening to form.

"Whoa! Merry remember your name! He would never let you go, may as well get rid of him and that loud horse of his before someone, for example Eowyn, takes you into battle."

"Huh?"

Before George could answer a 'mystery' rider pulled Merry onto their horse.

"George, may I speak with you?" Asked someone from behind.

"Only if you do it really quietly." Groaned George, as he turned round to face Lord Elrond.

****

"Mmmmm mmmm mmmmm!" Hummed Emily nervously.

"That is something you and your brother have in common!" Sighed Aragorn.

"What would that be?" Asked Emily.

"Unnecessarily making noises when you are nervous."

Emily made a silent 'oh' shape with her mouth. Five minutes later she resumed her humming much to Aragorn's annoyance.

"I think we should play a game." Announced Emily.

"What kind of game?" Asked Elrohir enthusiastically.

"I really don't think this is the time or place for games!" Said Aragorn trying not to loose his rag.

"All I hope is that this game stops her inane humming!" Sighed Elladan.

Legolas could be heard hitting Elladan around the head.

"Hey you have to be nice to me. I am your half step-sister."

"I am sorry young one I did not mean to offend. Elves only have basic morals underground." Said Elladan.

"Apology accepted. Right, Elrohir, in this game you have to pretend to be a fish then act out…Ahhhhh!!!!!! There is something on my foot!!!!" Squealed Emily hopping around.

Legolas stopped her bouncing, while Elrohir knelt down and removes the felonious object from her foot.

"Sssh melamin, it is alright. You just had your foot stuck in a skull." Legolas reassured.

"A skull! How is that reassuring! My foot was is a dead man's skull!"

"It was a woman's skull." Reaffirmed Elrohir. 

"Oh well that's alright then!" Glared Emily. "I want to go home."

"Do you mean that?" Asked Legolas sadly.

"No." Pouted Emily. "It's just this place. It is dark and scary, Aragorn hates me, Elladan is making snide comments, and Gimli may have wet himself because it smells dire down here, I really really miss George and you are in a mood with me."

"I know things seem bad but it will get better, I promise." Said Legolas, "And why would I be in with you?"

"Urm…well you see…I kinda lost your knife." Emily waited for the reaction.

"WHAT!" 

"I put it down so I could tie my shoelace and well when I went to pick it up I couldn't find it again."

If Emily could see Legolas in the imposing darkness she would have been able to see Legolas straining to keep his nostrils from flaring, but there was no way she could miss the tension radiating from the elf.

"You're mad aren't you?" Asked Emily.

"No." Said Legolas curtly.

"That means yes. Well maybe I should go home." Emily said quietly.

Legolas turned around in frustration and told Aragorn that they should continue on, no one noticed that Emily did not follow them.

****

"I know this is a difficult situation. Not just for you but also for everyone involved. Elladan, Elrohir, Arwen and myself will all find this adjustment complex but it…" 

"And Emily, this affects her too!" George interrupted Elrond.

"Oh yes how could I forget her! Well what I really wanted to say was that, I wish for you to be extremely careful. We do not want to lose you so soon after finding you."

"I'll come back alive if you promise not to hug me." Stated George.

"Deal." Smiled Elrond.

With that George joined the Rohirrim in their ride to Minas Tirith.

****

"It's just you and me now Em." Sighed Emily as she tried to find her way out of the maze of dark passages.

*Hello!*

"Hey." Emily greeted her brain with all the enthusiasm she could muster which wasn't a lot.

*You actually said hey to me! Are you ill?*

"No just sad and lonely."

*No Emily's not supposed to be sad. She is the funny kid that listens to everyone else moan and does crazy things to cheer everyone else up.*

"Yeah well, it's my turn to be sad now."

*As your brain I feel a sudden overwhelming duty to do something about this.*

"You mean you want to help me!"

*Yes.*

"What do you want in return?"

*Nothing.*

"Ha Ha Ha."

*No really I have the perfect idea to cheer you up!*

"…"

*Aren't you going to say 'really?!' ?*

"I don't feel like it."

*What you need is someone brave to look after you and escort you out of this mess.*

"Is George coming?!"

*****Not quite. Maybe you should check your bag.* With this Emily's brain retreated into the back of her sub-conscience to play ping pong with the surfer dude that it found lurking back there. 

"Fine!" Emily tipped up her bag and with a thump a man landed at her feet. 

"What the..?" The guy said.

"Oh. My. God!" Emily fainted.

Five minutes later…

"Wake up, come on, please wake up!" The guy was getting seriously anxious.

"Mmmm…mmmm…Legolas?" Emily mumbled as she began to come around.

"No not Legolas. Orlando Bloom." Said Orlando Bloom pointing to his brown, curly head.

"Huh?" Emily leapt up. "Oh god! Orlando Bloom! Ah! Yipes! How? Wow! Gorgeous! Oh! Man! Help! Orlando!" Emily paused for breath.

"Are you done?" Asked Orlando.

"Nearly! Whoa! Huh? Yum! Yay! Yippee! OK done now."

"Do you know where we are?"

"Paths of the Dead." 

Orlando laughed but soon stopped when Emily carried on looking deadly serious.

"How?!" Yelped Orlando.

"Long story." Emily sighed. "Me and my brother fell into the fridge landed in Middle-earth, went with the Fellowship on a quest to destroy the One Ring. Ended up here, made Legolas mad, got lost, decided I needed someone brave to help me and voila here you are!"

Orlando stared on in confused silence.

"So are you brave?" Asked Emily.

"What do you mean you made Legolas mad?" Asked Orlando in turn.

"I lost his knife by accident, he tried to pretend he wasn't mad but it was obvious that he was so he walked off and I kinda forgot to follow everyone."

"Forgot?" 

"You haven't seen him when he is being stubborn!" Cried Emily in defense.

"Ok man. Here's what we do. We see if we can catch up with everyone, if not we will make our way out of here, somehow. Then I dunno maybe you could conjure up another fridge we can get back to earth in."

"You're going to help me?!" 

"Well I can't leave you here. I've never been one to say no to a challenge, and if this truly is middle-earth and you are in fact not crazy as I currently believe then I will not leave you here to be eaten by some Orc!" Stated Orlando with conviction.

"Wow that was an immense speech!" Gushed Emily.

"So what way did Legolas go then?"

"Well last I saw, Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli and the Twins were heading that way." Emily pointed down a chilling passage.

"Here we go then." Orlando took Emily's hand and led her into the darkness.

****

"Maybe I should apologize to Emily. What do you think?" Whispered Legolas.

"It is up to you. However, that girl has been a nuisance this whole quest!" Sighed Aragorn.

"I do not think she can help it." Laughed Elrohir.

"I'm going to apologize." Legolas turned round and looked into the darkness hoping to spot Emily.

"Emily?" He called. 

Silence.

"Emily?!"

More silence.

"EMILY?!"

Still more silence, you would have thought he would have got the picture by now.

"Where is she?! Asked a panicked Legolas. "Who saw her last?"

"I haven't seen her since she told you about the knife." Grunted Gimli.

"What?! This is my fault! We have to find her!" Cried the elf.

"We cannot go back we have wasted too much time already!" Argued Aragorn.

"We are not leaving her!" Roared Legolas.

"Yeah!" Cried the twins. "We're not leaving our step half-sister behind!"

"Grunt." Said Gimli.

"Fine!" Relented Aragorn. "You have thirty minutes to find her, then I want you all back here! That's final!"

Legolas shpt Aragorn his nastiest glare then went in search of his melamin.

****

"So where is your brother then?" Asked Orlando as he took the flashlight Emily offered him.

"He is riding with the Rohirrim." Emily answered the sadness obvious in her voice.

"Why would he leave you on your own?"

"He didn't, he made sure that Legolas would look after me. Well he thought Legolas would look after me." Emily sighed.

"If I meet this elf I may have to hit him." Said Orlando with a smile.

"Be my guest." Said Emily pointing at the approaching figure of Legolas.

"Emily?!" Called Legolas.

"Finally noticed I was gone did you?!" Called Emily back.

Legolas stepped into the light and was about to apologize, throw his arms around Emily and beg forgiveness but was distracted by the man standing by her side.

Orlando and Legolas stood staring at each other in a stunned silence you can only manage when something really weird is happening.

"Good likeness, huh?" Grinned Emily.

****

A/N: Emily: Another long chapter yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you to all reviewers:

Shadowz- Rasmus!!!!!!! Have you seen Lil' Smartass' review?!

Tidus'luvr99 – Helloooo ever-loyal one. Here is your update.

Lil' Smartass – He He He Blackmail is goooooooooooood!

Ayiicalime- Hey you! Yes Guru is Christian you smart little frog. 

Snow crystals- We updated! Yay Orli is here!

Rainbow dreamer – Blackmail blackmail lovely lovely blackmail!

Legolas' huni – I'm Legolas' humi!

Pretendingtobesane – How did the kung-fu work out for you – have you updated yet? Good to know the MIB are gone.

Voyd – I'm going through a sane period! V. Boring!!!!!!!!

Sorry is we forgot you! Send me an angry email if we did!!!!!!


	25. Seeing Double

A/N: Emily: Me again! George is in Sheffield so I am alone again. George's story will not be featured in this chapter as his punishment. However, he will be back next chapter as we discover what it feels like for a guy to ride a little green dragon!

I saw The Calcium Kid on Saturday at Leicester Square! It was wicked. Everyone I know thinks I am crazy for saying this but I don't care: It is funnier than Pirates!!!!

I have given up Rum in favor for milk!!! Yay! A much healthier alternative! Orlando Bloom makes the cutest Milkman in the world and as for him boxing – Yum. Bash. Yum!

All must go see!!!!!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except a fat lip, which I got from tripping over my hairdryer when bouncing around my room in a bout of Calcium Kid excitement!

Chapter Twenty-Four – Seeing Double 

"Legolas this is Orlando." Emily pointed at the glaring human. "Orlando this is Legolas." Emily pointed to the glaring elf.

"Unhand her!" Roared Legolas.

"And give her to you?! The one who left her!" Snapped Orlando.

"Please don't fight." Said Emily meekly as the two continued arguing.

"How dare you?" Questioned Legolas. "You know nothing!"

"I know that you left her alone. She was so frightened that she called a complete stranger to her aid." Countered Orlando.

"I would never leave her intentionally!"

"Intentionally or not you still are not fit to take care of her!"

"Well if she had followed like she was supposed to she would have never got lost!"

"Now you are blaming her for your own insolence!"

"Hey this reminds me of I dream I had except you both were throwing my pink Converse trainers." Mused Emily to herself.

"How dare you call an elf insolent!" Cried Legolas.

Legolas pulled out his remaining knife and Orlando picked up the other knife that was lying on the floor.

"BOB SIMPSON IS A LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Shouted Emily.

Orlando and Legolas looked at her in confusion.

"What? It got your attention! Hey Orli you found Legolas' knife!"

"Emily, I am sorry I upset you but was there really a need for you to turn to someone else for comfort?" Pleaded Legolas.

"Well considering I was lost and all alone, YES there was a need for someone brave to comfort me!"

"You call this human brave?!" Smirked Legolas.

"You can talk with your gay hair!" Snarled Orlando.

"LEMONS CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" Shouted Emily.

"Is that really necessary? You could just shout stop." Asked Orlando.

"Incase you haven't realized in amongst your masculine shots, you two are the same person, so every time you insult each other you are actually insulting yourselves! Now why don't we all grow up, well maybe we should exclude me from that, why don't you two grow up and apologize?"

"Sorry." Mumbled Legolas.

"Sorry." Murmured Orlando.

"There all is good." Sighed Emily.

"You're going to leave me aren't you?" Sulked Legolas. "You're going to go back to earth with him!"

"No I'm not you silly elf. I love you remember, even if you are stubborn and haven't just starred in the funniest British comedy I have ever seen!"

"You guys are in love?" Asked Orlando.

"Yep!" Grinned Emily. "I take it you would like to go back home now then Orli."

"Well I have seen you to the safety of…well…the elf. My duty here is done."

Legolas and Orlando looked at Emily waiting for her to conjure up a fridge or something. An evil grin spread over Emily's face.

"Hey Orli, you wouldn't want to stick around for awhile?" Asked Emily slyly.

"What are you planning?" Asked Legolas.

"Why?" Inquired Orlando.

"Well two reasons really. One: I don't think I could fit a fridge in this passage so you might have to wait till we get outside."

"The second reason?" Asked Orlando with some apprehension as he saw Legolas grin with realization of what Emily was planning.

"You know you really did look very cute in 'The Lord Of The Rings' films." Laughed Emily holding up a blonde wig. "I think Aragorn and co are in need of a surprise!"

****

"Any luck?" Asked Aragorn as Elladan and Elrohir came back after half an hour of searching.

They shook their heads sadly. Gimli grunted and sat on a rock in dismay.

"Surprisingly I actually miss the lass." 

Aragorn rolled his eyes.

"Hey Aragorn! Did you miss me?!" Cried Emily as she bounced into sight.

"Where have you been?!" Bellowed Aragorn.

"I found something."

"What do you mean you have found something?! You are the one who was supposed to be found!"

"May I introduce you to Legolas Prince of Mirkwood." Announced Emily as Legolas stepped into the light.

"I know who he is you moron, I have known him longer than you!" Sighed the impatient man.

"And now for one night only I introduce Legolas Prince of Mirkwood number two!" With this Orlando stepped into light in full Legolas costume complete with ears.

The twins stood mouths agape. Gimli started to protest: "Not two of them!"

Aragorn walked up to the first Legolas then the second and finally asked:

"How? Huh? What?"

"I cloned him!" Smiled Emily.

"What do you mean you cloned him?!"

"I put him in a cloning machine and when he came out there were two of him. We now have two yummy Legolas'."

Aragorn furrowed his eyebrows.

"Which one the original?"

"Dunno?" Shrugged Emily.

"Then how will you know which one to kiss?" Asked Aragorn feeling really smart. He knew Emily knew which one was which, and with the stoic elves staying extremely quiet he knew he would only get the answer out of Emily.

"Well they both look rather cute so I'm not really fussed!"

Legolas imperceptibly glared at Orlando whom remained beautifully in the character of Legolas.

"Isn't it great now we get two gorgeous fighting elves that can take care of me! Yay I love elves!"

Emily's comment earned her smiles from everyone except Gimli and Aragorn.

"Hey maybe I should clone myself. I've always wanted a twin." Laughed Emily watching as the colour drained from Aragorn's face.

"I do not have time for this." Aragorn turned to the two Legolas'. "Legolas," They both looked at him. "Which ever one is the original, please can you make sure your clone…is…well…make sure he behaves himself." They both nodded.

The group finally continued their journey through the Paths. Emily skipped happily in between her two Legolas'.

"This is fun! Isn't it fun?!" Smiled Emily.

"If you call walking through a haunted mountain fun, then yes it is extremely fun!" Answered Orlando through his teeth.

"Perhaps you should think about becoming an elf full time, they aren't scared of ghost, are they Legolas?"

"That is right." Said Legolas sending Orlando a sarcy smile.

"Don't worry Orli I'll look after you." Offered Emily.

"That would be appreciated." Smiled Orlando as he took Emily's hand and returned the elf's sarcy smile. 

Emily completely oblivious to this carried on skipping along humming (much to Aragorn's annoyance) the national anthem.

Abruptly she stopped as they enter a huge dark cavern. The group formed a tight circle as the mountain began to shake.

"Who dares enter my domain?" Came a voice from out of nowhere.

The King of the Dead appeared in all his green smoky glory before the group.

"Hey! I exorcized you! You can't come back that's unfair." Whined Emily.

"Emily!" Warned Legolas.

Emily proceeded to pout and cling onto Orlando.

"One who will have your allegiance." Stated Aragorn.

"The dead do not suffer the living to pass!" Answered the King of the Dead with a grin of satisfaction.

"Well technically Orli and I are not from here you could be classed as not living here so maybe if we just buggered off." Emily began to pull Orlando towards the exit but was stopped when ghosts commenced out of nowhere and surrounded them.

"Yeesh! OK we will stay." Mumbled Emily.

"You will suffer me!" Bellowed Aragorn.

"Do ghosts still have their sense of smell?" Asked Emily to Elrohir who was in fits of laughter despite their rather calamitous situation.

"The way is shut…it was made by those who are dead…and the dead keep it. The way is shut. Now you must die."

*gulp* Said Emily's brain.

The King of the Dead advanced on Aragorn, causing Legolas to immediately fire an arrow.

"It's OK hunny I have my blonde moments too." Comforted Emily as the arrow went through the King.

"I summon you to fulfill your oath." Continued Aragorn.

"None, but the King of Gondor may command me!" The King of the Dead swung his sword at Aragorn but was extremely surprised when Anduril blocked his sword and was pressed against his throat.

"That line was broken!" Argued the King of the Dead.

"It has been remade." Stated Aragorn with assurance.  

"I've got it!" Squealed Emily with delight. Everyone including the dead looked at her in confusion.

"Geoffrey Rush! That's who you remind me of." Explained Emily trying to tug on the King of the Dead's wispy beard. "You know you'd make an awesome pirate. Maybe you should consider a career change. Orlando here is considering becoming a full time elf under my management. Hey! I could start my own business."

"Who's Orlando?" Asked Aragorn.

"No one." Said Emily unconvincingly.

Aragorn raised an eyebrow but let it go, "Fight for us and regain your honor. What say you?"

The dead remained silent as Aragorn walked around them.

"What say you?!" He repeated.

"You waste your time, Aragorn! They had no honor in life, they have none now in death." Snorted Gimli.

"Don't insult the ghosts!" Whimpered Emily as she noticed the ghost closing in around her.

Legolas who had noticed this quickly lifted her into his arms. "It is OK melamin. I am here." He whispered.

With this Emily found her off mood with Legolas dissolve and be replaced with the goofiest grin she could manage.

"I am Isildur's heir. Fight for me and I will hold your oath fulfilled!"

The King of the Dead let a wicked smile cross his face as Aragorn pointed his sword at him.

"What say you?!" Shouted Aragorn.

****

A/N: Emily: Oooooh what will the King of the Dead decide? Well you can pretty much guess!

George assures me he will be present for the next chapter, which will show the Ride of the Rohirrim, Emily the pirate, the return of two favorites and the fate of Orlando Bloom!   

 Ah my ever faithful lovely reviewers! You are excelling yourselves we are nearly at 100 reviews! Woohoo! I may have to have a party when we reach the big old 100!

Before I say the thank yous I have to end this authors note with sad news! The next chapter could take a while. When I say a while, I mean a long while! The GCSE's are upon me. I have already had my German Oral, which consisted of me talking about Orlando Bloom for 15 minutes in German. My art exam is this week so I am very busy. Hopefully George might be able to post a short chapter to keep you all with the story, but I promise on every thing I hold dear this will be finished, I will not abandon my lovely readers. We have so much more planned and it will be criminal for us to not finish this!

Thank yous:

Voyd – I had uber fun at the movie! I shall continue to blame George until he reappears!

Snow crystals – Preston? That reminds me of the guy off of Jackass! The Calcium Kid was genius! Yay for Orli!

Rainbow Dreamer – Aren't epiphanies great?!

Shadowz – Hey I mentioned the shoe fight in this chapter! Ack those crazy dreams of mine. Must seek help sometime! I want a TROGDOR Hoody!

Tidus'luvr99 – Furbies are evil! Mine was processed! Aren't hangovers great?! Dink Milk so you can be big and strong like Jimmy Connelly (Don't you just love Orli?!)

Pretendingtobesane – No!!!!! The brains are rebelling! 


	26. The pirate, the fridge and the unsuspect...

A/N: Emily: We are back! And yes including George.

George: Yes I am here!!!!!!!!! Miss me?

Emily: We managed to get this chapter done in amongst revising.

George: Yeah right! You haven't even picked up a book yet!

Emily: Ssssh!

Disclaimer: Don't sue me I need my money because I am seeing TROY TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Chapter Twenty-Five – The Pirate, the fridge and the unsuspecting balls.**

"No matter where I move, you always seem to find a way to compromise my masculinity!" Groaned George as Yoshie sped up hoping to over take Eowyn's horse.

"Are you feeling any better now?" Asked Eowyn.

"He doesn't look any better." Noted Merry watching George turn pale as Yoshie shifted beneath him.

"How the hell do you ride these things without your balls shriveling to the size of peanuts?!"

Eowyn shifted uncomfortably in her saddle; "I wouldn't know." She finally chocked out.

"This is worse than the time I accused that girl of being a necrophiliac! Yeesh that girl could kick hard!"

Merry giggled, "I wish I knew what that meant."

"I fear you do not." Commented Eowyn with raised eyebrows.

"Freedom!" Emily cried as the group finally made their way out of the Paths of the Dead.

Emily did a wacky dance then collapsed in an exhausted heap on an ominous black stone.

"We will rest here tonight." Stated Aragorn pulling Emily up and guiding her back to her two elves. "Emily? I don't suppose you could do anything about this so called clone elf." Asked Aragorn with a reprimanding tone pointing to Orlando.

"Yes sir!" Drawled Emily.

Aragorn shook his head and returned to Elrohir and Elladan to talk tactics.

"I don't want you to go." Pouted Emily.

Orlando smiled, "I don't think I'm cut out for this alternate Universe gig. Hey you could always come and visit me if you ever return to Earth."

Legolas frowned and threw a glare at Orlando.

"Legolas, you of course would be welcome too." Said Orlando through gritted teeth.

"Will you stay with us until we get to the Anduin?" Asked Emily.

"Whatever you wish." Grinned Orlando. "You had better go to sleep if you wanna come up with an idea to get me back!"

Emily snuggled up in between Legolas and Orlando.

"How far is this Minas Tirith then?" Squeaked George as Yoshie went over a bump.

"Just half a days ride longer." Sighed Eowyn, fear evident in her voice.

"Hey don't worry you'll be fine." Comforted George. "Merry'll protect you."

Eowyn looked down at the sleeping hobbit in front of her.

"My heart tells me you would not ride into this battle if you knew the outcome was defeat, but my mind tells me that we do not stand a chance. My mind also tells me that you are crazy and would ride into certain death on a whim." Eowyn shook her head. "Which do I trust? My head or my heart."

"Your mind is certainly on the right tracks." Smiled George realizing that the chances of him and Yoshie making it through this were slim to none. "I am following my heart into battle coz' there no way in hell that I am going to let Legolas think he is the one taking care of Emily. I was the one that shoved her in the shower when she shit in her nappy (diaper), I was the one who pulled out one of her baby teeth so she could have a grown up tooth and I was the one who beat up her ex-boyfriend when he said that she was one pound over his dating weight."

Eowyn smiled; "I thought Eomer and I were close but your love for sister knows no bounds."

"Don't say that out loud again I will lose all street-cred!" Grumbled George.

"Oooooh the sea!" Squealed Emily. "I haven't seen the sea in years!"

Orlando also seemed happy to the sea but Legolas became strangely stoic. (A/N: George: If that elf could become anymore stoic he would be made out of stone.)

"What's wrong with your elf?" Asked Orlando.

"Hmph?" Emily turned around to notice Legolas had wondered fro the group and was staring out to sea. "Could you excuse me for a second?"

Orlando nodded as Emily slowly approached Legolas.

"Beware the call of the sea…It went something like that or maybe the call of the tree…no no that's wrong you live in trees." Emily looked up to see Legolas smiling down at her.

"I forget how much you know."

"Yeah well I don't exactly ooze intelligence." Sighed Emily. "Want to talk about it or are you going to remain abnormally stoic and leave me to come up with an idea of how to get Orli back home. Unless you would prefer him to stay?"

"I will help." Said Legolas uber quickly.

"Goody, with your brains and my looks we shall be invincible!" Cheered Emily. 2Or maybe that should be with your brains and your looks!"

Legolas took Emily's hand and began their return to where Orlando was sitting.

"Emily, there is something there is something black beneath your eyes." Realized Legolas.

"It is called eye-liner."

"Why is it there?"

"Jack Sparrow!"

"Who?"

"He is a pirate." Explained Orlando.

"He is my role model!" Smiled Emily.

"You picked a pirate for your role model?" Asked Legolas warily.

"Not a pirate! THE Pirate!"

"This is all well and good but can THE Pirate get me back home."

Emily pulled on her perplexed face.

"Fantastic!" Sighed Orlando.

"How did you get here?" Asked Legolas.

"Well we kind of went through a fridge." Answered Emily.

"A fridge!" Exclaimed Orlando.

"What's a fridge?" Legolas asked.

"This is a fridge." Emily produced a shiny white Smeg fridge out of her bag. "I wonder what mum will do when she sees her fridge missing?" She gulped.

"Now what?" Asked Orlando seemingly unconvinced with the whole fridge idea.

"Well I suppose you have to jump in it."

"Jump in it?"

"Yeah. Just take a run up and dive, then presto back on earth."

"Where exactly in earth?"

"Well two possible locations really. One, you could end up back where you were or two, my kitchen floor."

Orlando scratched his head, "Well here goes nothing."

Emily opened the fridge door and signaled to Orlando to start running.

Smack

Orlando lay in a heap at the base of the fridge rubbing his head.

"Any other ideas?" Asked Emily backing away from the disgruntled actor.

"He needs to copy exactly what you did." Suggested Legolas.

"Oh! He needs to trip! George fell in and I tripped over! OK, Orlando take another run up and Legolas when he gets nearer the fridge stick your leg out."

Legolas seemed very happy with this plan and stood by the fridge. "Well come on Orlando we've got a battle to get to."

"Be nice!" Scolded Emily.

Orlando resigned to his fate and began to run again.

thump, smack.

"No more." Groaned Orlando before he passed out.

"I'm out of ideas." Moaned Emily as she and Legolas sat on a nearby rock and watched as Orlando slept at the base of the fridge.

Twenty minutes later…

"Maybe the time space continuum has been altered causing the time barrier to be distorted resulting in a impasse in the portal's frequency." Concluded Legolas.

"Strawberry Trifle!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Emily jumping up into the air. "Legolas you are a genius! We are the Smart party!"

"Care to explain?" Asked Orlando who had woken up two minutes earlier.

"Strawberry trifle is the portal, not the fridge. We fell into the trifle it just happened to be in the fridge at the time." Emily pulled a strawberry trifle out of her bag and placed it on the floor."

"You are sure?"

"Positive."

"Well I guess this is goodbye then." Orlando pulled Emily into a hug. "Hey don't forget what I said about visiting if you are ever on the planet."

"I won't! Bye Orli!"

Orlando approached the trifle. "I don't have to fall into this do I?"

"I think stepping into it will suffice!"

Orlando placed one foot into the trifle and with that he was gone.

"About time!" Cried Aragorn waiting impatiently on one of the ships.

"Meanie!" Yelled Emily back. "Just coz' he is cuter than you!"

"Eomer! Take your eored down the left flank! Gamling, follow the King's banner down the center! Grimbold, take your company right, after you pass the wall."

The Rohirrim had reached Minas Tirith. The Orcs began their march towards them and the ground shook beneath their feet.

"Courage, Merry, courage for our friends." Whispered Eowyn.

"Oh bollocks who's chuffing idea was this!" Gulped George.

"Forth! Down fear of Darkness! Arise! Arise! Riders of Theoden! Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered!"

"Hmmm hhmmh hmmm…" The nervous humming had begun.

"Forth, Eorlingas!" Cried Theoden.

The horses spurred and began their descent towards the Orcs.

"Smeg it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cried George as Yoshie and he galloped towards the Orcs.

A/N: George: I am afraid that there could be another long break while I force Emily to revise!

Emily: Thank you to all the yummy reviewers!

Rainbow Dreamer: I would never force you to revise. It would be inhumane!

Shadowz: Hello you pesky 97th reviewer! Did I mention we currently have over 100 reviews! Drinks all around!

Anime no Megami: I am trying to perfect my psychotic laugh right this second. I sound like a inebriated Zebra.

Pretendingtobesane: The brains are rebelling! Ah the pirate's life for me!

Jade: I always get done in for spending the whole of Computer class looking at yummy Orli websites" The evil school has blocked fanfiction.net from the internet browser! Evil School!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ayiicaalimé: Orlando is gone. Happy now you fiend?! You get a lift to school tomorrow you lucky thing you, I'm felling generous!

Tidus'luvr99: Ooooh I hate my English teacher too! She is a monochrome, mulleted, bint! Yes I shall say it again my English teacher is a bint!

Emily: Hey did I mention I am seeing TROY TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ayiicaalimé told me Orli is naked in it!!!!!! Emily faints


	27. Thank the lord I didn't sleep with him!

A/N: Emily: Please forgive me. I just re-read the last chapter and the amount of mistakes in it are unforgivable! However, I shall blame George.

George: Why me?!

Emily: Because you scared off our beta reader!

George: Yeah well I am still after lil' Smartass. She will pay!

Disclaimer: And again may you please refrain from suing us because I have lent Emily my money so she can see Troy AGAIN!

Emily: P.S I apologize for the amount of times we used the word Uber in this chapter. It happens to be our word of the month.

**Chapter Twenty-Six – "Thank the lord I didn't sleep with him!"**

"Take that you bum tickling fag muffin!" Cried George as he and Yoshie ploughed through the swarm of Orcs. "I think we're winning!"

"Drive them back to the river!" Shouted Eomer.

The Orcs began to run for their lives towards the river.

"Make safe the city!" Ordered Theoden.

The Rohirrim followed the orders given by their commands but were driven to silence as the ground began to shake and the horses shifted nervously beneath each rider.

"Oh. My. ..!" Mouthed George as he watched the gigantic Mumakil approach. Yoshie shook excitedly, "I don't think you'll be able to swallow one of them Yosh."

"Reform the line! Reform the line!" Yelled Theoden. "Sound the charge!"

"If I was an uber elephant what would I be scared of?" Mused George. "Uber mice! Where's Emily when you need that magic bag of hers?! Right think George."

(A/N: Emily: This could take a while.)

"That's it!" Yelped George. Yoshie looked skeptically at his owner. "Em and me are uber related that means we can communicate telepathically!"

A little plot bunny bounced onto George's lap.

"You cannot just suddenly have telepathic powers. That is ridiculous!" Argued the bunny.

"Oh yeah because falling into Middle-earth through Strawberry trifle is realistic!"

"I give up with this story. I'm going to find myself a proper author to play with like Shadowz!" With that the little bunny was gone.

"That was one annoying bunny! Now back to my newly acquired telepathy. Come on Em I know you can hear me."

....

"We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, we oh my smegging god!!!!!!!" Emily fell to the deck of the ship clutching her head.

"Emily!" Cried Legolas rushing to her side.

"Ouchbollocksbuttockssmegcityarsewipeshiteaterfuckwitknobcheeselemontossingcrapsmugglingtitswanktwatofasmeggingbrother…"

Legolas colored at Emily's extensive vocabulary.

"…donkeyrapingshiteatingknobjocky!"

"Are you alright my love?" Asked Legolas.

"George. Mice. Uber. Elephants!"

"In English?" Inquired Aragorn.

"Uber Mice." Said Emily simply.

"In English?" Asked Aragorn again.

Gimli, Aragorn, Elladan and Elrohir all jumped back as five huge mice scuttered off at warp speed off the boat and began an Olympic swim towards Gondor.

"Explain?" Questioned Legolas.

"George told me he was in need of some uber mice."

"Uber?" Shuddered Elladan still recovering from the recent spectacle.

"Giant." Clarified Emily with a smile. "You really should visit Canterbury England there are lots of interesting words there."

The group tried to relax into what they were doing before Emily spazzed out until 'ever the quick' Aragorn picked up on something;

"What do you mean George told you he wanted Uber Mice?!"

"We're telepathic apparently."

"You are?" Asked Legolas.

"Apparently we can conjure up special powers. Hey! That's kind of useful! Maybe I could become invisible."

Legolas frowned.

"Or maybe I could become an immense fighter!"

Aragorn scoffed.

"Or maybe I could read people's minds! I like that one."

Everyone gulped.

"Legolas! You naughty elf!" Screeched Emily after delving into the unsuspecting elf's mind. "And as for you Aragorn I am sure Lord Elrond would love to know what you have been up to!"

The elf and the man went wide eyed and hurried off hoping some distance would prevent Emily from finding out their deepest desires.

Emily laughed as Gimli, Elladan and Elrohir began to back away slowly. "Don't worry I can't really read your minds."

"Then how..?" Asked Elrohir.

"I know Legolas well enough to know what he is thinking about. As for Aragorn, what future son in-law hasn't got anything to hide from their future father in-law?!"

Elrohir and Elladan smirked at each other and went in search of Aragorn armed with some witty jibes for the man.

....

"Do you think it worked?" Asked George to Yoshie. "Because those Elephants are gaining ground!"

"George pass Merry your spear!" Called Eowyn as her horse pulled up by Yoshie's side.

"And what am I supposed to fight with?"

"Your sword." Answered Eowyn.

"Oh yeah." Exclaimed a surprised George as he noticed the sword hanging form his hip. "Here you go Merry!"

George watched as Eowyn cut down a Mumakil down on her own.

"Well if she can do it so can we Yoshie." Yoshie looked on doubtfully. "Come on Yoshie be a man!"

grunt

"Fine, we'll wait for the uber mice." George looked to the skies in search of some boredom relief. "Oh give us a chuffing break!"

The Witch-King of Angmar blotted the skyline circling the battlefield.

"Bring it down! Bring it down! Bring it down!" Theoden could be heard calling.

In perfect timing that could only be achieved by Emily, the Uber Mice appeared and brought down the Mumakil. Unfortunately the uber mice brought the Mumakil down on themselves and Eowyn and Merry's Horse. At the last moment Eowyn managed to roll out of the way.

"Merry!" Cried Eowyn.

"Great Em! You could have sent me intelligent Uber Mice!" Scowled George.

Emily's voice could be heard in George's head; "Well you should be more specific!"

grumblegrumble

A loud screeching noise sounded from above as the Witch-King swooped down upon he's fell beast.

Everyone looked on in horror as Theoden and his horse were taken into the fell beast's mouth and tossed about like a rag doll. Theoden was thrown and lay trapped beneath his horse as the Witch-King approached his prey.

"Feast on his flesh." Snarled the Witch-King.

"No smart comment." Said George numbly as many idiotic plans flooded through his head in a confusing ball of Lycra tights and Special powers. A voice broke through George's thoughts;

"I will kill you if you touch him!" Cried Eowyn.

"Do not become between a Nazgul and his prey."

George hopped off Yoshie and stood between Eowyn and the Nazgul.

"Perhaps we could come to some kind of agreement over some cookies and milk?!"

George dodged quickly as Eowyn swung her sword relieving the Fell Beast of its head.

"No cookies huh?" Whimpered George stepping back.

The Lord of the Nazgul approached slowly revealing the biggest and pointiest sledgehammer type thingy you have ever seen in your entire life.

....

"Come on you sea-rats! Get off your ship!" Shouted an Orc as the Pirate ships docked.

The Orcs were met with a stern looking man, three pissed off elves, a stout dwarf and a girl who was more interested in fixing her eyeliner than the impending fight.

"There are plenty for both of us." Gimli said Legolas, "May the best dwarf win!"

The group attacked followed by 'as it turns out' the very friendly ghosts.

"I think the Orcs just pissed their pants. Do Orcs even where pants?" Asked Emily.

"Not really the time hunny." Answered Legolas as he battled his way through the Orcs.

....

Eowyn dodged swing after swing of the Witch-King's weapon but was eventually knocked to the ground when the hammer connected with her shield shattering her arm.

"Fool…No man can kill me…die now…"

Eowyn pulled herself to her feet and revealed her long, flowing, golden hair.

"I AM NO MAN!" Eowyn rammed her sword into where the Nazgul's face would have been.

George waited in excitement for the Nazgul to implode but it never happened.

"It would appear that you are not all you seem." Laughed the Witch-King.

Surrounding soldiers began to ardently spit and try to floss their teeth with blades of grass with their enlightened views of the gender of their Shield maiden.

"It is time for you to die!" The Witch-King stepped forward but suddenly screamed in pain and fell to his knees revealing George behind him sword in hand.

"This is not possible! You are a man." Gasped the Witch-King.

"That is where you are wrong sonny! I am a quarter man, quarter elf, quarter heavy metal Mosher, an eighth Lord of England and an eighth absolute pissed off teenager!"

With that the Witch-King imploded.

"You saved my life!" Cried Eowyn.

"Please don't hug me!" Yelped George. "You had better see to Theoden. Oh and if you could yank Merry out from under that Elephant it would be very much appreciated." George went in search of Emily muttering; "Thank the lord I didn't sleep with him!"

....

"Legolas!" Called Aragorn as a Mumakil began its charge towards them.

Legolas ran towards the beast and swiftly climbed up the beast's tusk.

"Legolas Greenleaf! You get down from that elephant this instant!" Demanded Emily.

Legolas continued his ascent on the Mumakil all the while counting the number of Haradrim he dispatched from the beast's back.

"I mean it! No pocket money for you, I am docking your allowance." Screamed Emily.

Legolas took down the Mumakil with three arrows and gracefully slid off the Mumakil's trunk landing in front of Emily and Gimli.

"That still counts of one!" Squabbled Gimli.

"Swoon!" Emily collapsed into Legolas' arms.

....

"Release us." Said the King of the Dead.

The battle of Pelenor field was over and the Dead had fulfilled their oath.

"Bad idea! Very handy in a tight spot, these lads, despite the fact they're dead." Suggested Gimli.

"You gave us your word!" Said The King of the Dead becoming angry.

"Hey Barbossa the friendly ghost, the friendliest ghost you'll know..!" Sang George.

"You must be George, Emily's brother. You have your sister's quirkiness."

"One way of putting it!" Sniggered George.

"I hold your oath fulfilled. Go, be at peace." Said Aragorn.

The Dead, finally free, disappeared with the wind.

"Emily!" Cried George noticing Legolas approaching with Emily in his arms. "Noooooooo!!!!! What happened?! You were supposed to take care of her!" George hit Legolas round the head with the hilt of his sword knocking the elf to the ground.

"She is fine." Groaned Legolas quietly, grabbing the sword from George as the boy manhandled Emily out of his arms.

"How do you reckon unconscious is fine?!"

"Mmm yum mmhmmm naked elves mmm…" Emily woke up.

Legolas raised a delicate eyebrow and George looked disappointedly down at his sister.

"Oh leave me alone. It's not like you have never swooned and fainted!" Snapped Emily.

"That was a long time ago! Come here you little ratbag." Laughed George as he hugged Emily with immense gusto.

"Legolas! You have a bruise! Who did it? I'll kill them!" Shrieked Emily.

George hummed nervously.

"It is just from the battle. I will be fine." Answered Legolas.

"If you are sure. Lets explore the CGI City!" Decided Emily as she dragged George up and ran towards Minas Tirith.

....

A/N: George: Well we are nearing the end. Thank you to Becca for the 'bum tickling fag muffin.'

Emily: Noooooooo! sobs uncontrollably

George: It's OK Em there's one or two more chapters and Epilogue still to write.

Who wants a sneaky peak at what we've got planned? Well be warned there are Zombies, the disappearance of a certain dragon, Emily's interest in a curse, a change in royalty, the return of two favorites and not to forget a certain duo and a pesky ring that need the Emily and George treatment still all to come!

Emily: Maybe we should put a health warning at the beginning of this fic. Anyhow here are the thank yous:

Ayiicaalimé – That damn bed!

Pretendingtobesane – I am 16 (ha! Ayiicaalimé!) so I get to see Troy whenever I want! I have seen it three times now! Woo Hoo! Go for the blackmail you must see this film! Naked Orli! Damn that bed in the way!

Rainbow Dreamer - 'Emily tries to hold in laughter' You have succumb to the Legolisousness of the very talented Mr. Bloom!

Jade: Yummy Pirates! A definite idea for a new fic me thinks!

Tidus'luvr99 – Down with studying! I have a GCSE on Tuesday and still haven't picked up a book yet! I foresee a big fat F!

Shadowz – Oooh you were mentioned in this chappie! My ever loyal Trogdorian!


	28. Can I kill a main character at the end o...

A/N: George: Emily has gone into hiding. Which basically means I have locked her in her room until she has done some math revision. Yes I am inhumane, but it has to be done. 'evil laugh' Just because I enjoy seeing her suffer doesn't make me a bad person! It's her own fault; she managed to see Troy three times when it had only been out TWO days!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: We'll give it back I promise. However, Legolas may be slightly damaged after Emily has finished playing with him.

**Chapter Twenty-Seven – "Can I kill a main character at the end of the story?"**

"Gandalf!" Exclaimed Aragorn. "It is really you!"

"Why would anyone be excited to be reunited with him?!" Shuddered Emily.

"It is good to see you too Aragorn!" Said a bemused Gandalf.

"We thought you were dead!" Cried Legolas.

"Now what would give you that idea?" Laughed the wizard.

Legolas and Aragorn turned to Emily and George.

"What?!" Shouted Emily and George.

"You told us Gandalf was killed by a huge rock!" Yelled Aragorn while Legolas looked contemptuously at Emily.

"When?!" Asked George.

"Did not!" Defended Emily.

"When you were speaking a different language." Answered Aragorn.

"We told you Gandalf was dead when we were speaking a different language." Clarified George.

Aragorn nodded. By the look on Legolas' face you could see that the penny had dropped.

"And you don't see a problem with that?" Questioned George.

Aragorn began to shake his head; "No I do not…oh…hang on…"

"Apologize are gratefully appreciated." Sighed Emily theatrically.

Aragorn mumbled something akin to 'sorry.'

"I am sorry Emily." Said Legolas as he placed a kiss on her forehead.

"Hey! You two have been alone together for way to long. Come on Em, we have some exploration to do!" Emily and George ran off.

….

"Frodo has passed beyond my sight. The darkness is deepening." Mused Gandalf.

"If Sauron had the Ring, we would know it." Sated Aragorn.

"It is only a matter of time…"

"That's it Gandalf, keep that positive spirit alive!" Said George as he and Emily entered the throne room.

"Ah there you are. I was hoping that your insight could help us. However, I very much doubt it."

Emily finally perfected her Kiera Knightly pout and stood with Legolas.

"If it wasn't for us…there…there…would be…" Began George.

"Yes?" Smirked Aragorn.

"Hi guys!"

Everyone turned to the entrance.

"Boromir me man!!!!!!!!!" Laughed George running up to his friend and pulling him into a hug.

"Haldir!" Shrieked Emily jumping into the elf's arms.

Boromir laughed; "It is good to see you two scamps alive and well."  
  
"What brings you here?"

"Well we decided that we would not let our friends stand alone, so here we are." Answered Haldir.

"That's it! If it wasn't for us Boz and Hal would be dead!" Cried George poking Aragorn in the ribs causing the man to flinch violently.

"Boromir!" Cried Merry and Pippin. "We thought you were dead!"

"I would be if it wasn't for these two."

Emily and George smiled proudly and smugly.

"It shall be concluded that you have merit for being here. Does this brilliance of yours extend to the situation at hand?" Asked Gandalf.

Emily and George paused in thought.

"Didn't think so." Mumbled Aragorn.

"I am seriously fed up with you!" Shouted Emily. "You are going to regret pissing me off!"

"What are you going to do? Curse me!" Laughed Aragorn.

"Big mistake!" Sighed George.

"Emily my love. Just ignore him, he is worried about Frodo, he does not mean to be so rude to you." Legolas tried to mediate but it was too late Emily's brain had already decided on a plan.

Gandalf decided to steer the conversation back to the impending doom of Middle-Earth.

"Sauron has suffered a defeat, yes…but…behind the walls of Mordor the enemy is regrouping."

Gimli decided to voice his opinion, "Let them stay there…let them rot! Why should we care?"!  
  
"Because ten thousand Orcs now stand between Frodo and Mount Doom" Gandalf shut Gimli up. "I have sent him to his death…"

"Ooooh plan!" Emily began jumping up and down. George following his sister's line of thought grabbed her hand as both of them ran up to the throne, jumped onto it and pointed their fingers into the air and looked at Legolas expectantly.

Everyone followed suit and stared at the elf. Legolas shifted nervously and raised an eyebrow.

"A diversion?" Asked Legolas.

Emily nodded furiously.

"A diversion!" Said Legolas with confidence.

"Huh?" Said Gimli.

"We can give Frodo time, and safe passage across the Plains of Gorgoroth." Answered Aragorn.

"How?" Asked Gimli skeptically.

"Draw out Sauron's armies, empty his lands."

"We cannot achieve victory through strength of arms." Added Eomer.

Emily and George gulped.

"Not for ourselves…but we can give Frodo his chance if we keep Sauron's Eye fixed upon us. Like Legolas said, a diversion." Finished Aragorn.

"I think Legolas said it better." Mumbled Emily.

"One day I shall find it hard refraining from harming you!" Yelled Aragorn.

Legolas' nostrils flared. Aragorn was in trouble.

"You go near her and…" Began the elf.

"Whoa! Calm down ladies." Announced George jumping off the throne. "Now you two are friends remember! Great, Em you managed to break up one the most loyal friendships ever written."

"Whoops." Said Emily quietly.

'Hey remember the curse I found out what it was!' Jumped in Emily's brain.

"You did?"

'I am a brain you know! Just you wait Aragorn! He'll get what is coming to him!' Her brain let out a manic laugh.

"When you are quite finished talking to yourself I would like to make a point!" Began Gandalf. "Sauron will suspect a trap. He will not take the bate."

"Certainty of death! Small chance of success! What are we waiting for?!" Roared Gimli.

….

"I think you should make up with Aragorn." Said Emily as she rode with Legolas.

The remaining Rohan and Gondorian soldiers were being led by Aragorn and 'friends' to the Black Gate.

"You do not like Aragorn, why would you want me to make up with him?" Asked the elf.

"Well I would hate it if you parted on bad terms."

"Why would think we would be parted. What do you know?"

"Urrmmm…no reason."

"Emily?"

"Oh Ok! My brain is plotting an evil plan to get rid of Aragorn and I can't stop it!" Emily felt a flood of relief swamp her after getting that off her chest.

"How can you not stop it? It is your mind!"

"Yeah well there is an ongoing dispute over that fact. My brain doesn't like me so does everything in it's power to embarrass me horribly. I don't know what to do!"

"What do you know about the plan?" Asked Legolas.

"Well it involves a curse."

"You asked about the curse of the Dead. Could it be that?" Asked a now worried Legolas.

"Quite possibly."

"You cannot carry out that curse it is too dangerous. For both you and Aragorn!"

"My brain has a mind of it's own. If it wants to do something it will do it. Like the time it dyed your hair…" Emily quickly shut-up.

"You?!"

"The brain!"

Legolas took in a deep breath.

"I'll ride with someone else if you want." Said Emily sadly.

"No. It is all right; I know you would not want anything as embarrassing as pink hair to happen to me on purpose. At least now I know why you are so worried about this plan your brain has."

"Do you think I'm weird?"

"Of course." Laughed Legolas.

Emily smiled, "I love you elfy."

"I love you too weirdo." Legolas replied.

….

"Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth!" Called Aragorn sounding for some reason Irish. "Let justice be done upon Him!"

"Nothings happening." Commented Pippin.

"I'm getting dejavu!" Said George scratching his head. Yoshie nodded in agreement.

Finally the Bach Gate began to open and Sauron's remaining army was revealed to the group.

"Pull back…Pull back!" Ordered Aragorn.

"Best idea that man has ever had!" Yelped George as Yoshie sped off. Unfortunately the dragon had other ideas and ran head first into the army of Orcs.

"Geeeeeeooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Emily. "Legolas turn around!"

"No Emily. It would mean certain death!" Argued the elf. "I will not let you be harmed!"

"You don't really have a choice!" Before Legolas could answer Emily had jumped off the horse and began to scale the mountain at the side of the Black Gate.

"Emily!" Cried Legolas. The last he saw of her was her blond hair disappearing over the Black Gate. Legolas spurred his horse around but was stopped by a little voice.

"Legolas wait!" Cried Pippin. "They will be fine. I do not think even Sauron could get rid of those two."

Legolas carried on but halted when he realized that the Hobbit was most likely right. He would stay with the Fellowship but still he had this feeling that he would not see Emily or George again.

….

"Well this is perfect Yoshie!" Shouted George as the dragon ploughed through the hoards of Orcs.

"George!" George heard his name being called from above. He looked up to see Emily hanging off of a rock ledge.

"A hand would be good!" She cried.

By now most of the Orcs had passed surrounding the soldiers outside the gate.

"Yoshie whoa!" Cried George but Yoshie kept going. "Oh sod it!" George jumped off the dragon and watched as it went flashing off into the sunset.

"Urm George!" Cried Emily. "F-F-F-Falling!"

George quickly ran to his sister's rescue.

"What are you doing here?!" Shouted George.

"Follow you anywhere remember." Said Emily hugging George.

George smiled; "Fancy finding Frodo?"

"Why not?" Giggled Emily.

….

"Clever Hobbits to climb so high!!!" Cried Gollum. What Gollum was not expecting was two angry teenagers to clothes line him.

"Isn't WWF fun?!" Laughed George as he nutted Gollum sending him flying down the mountainside.

"Emily! George! I am glad you are here!" Cried Sam.

"Whoa dude! You look rough!" Remarked George.

"We lost Frodo again." Commented Emily looking around for the missing Hobbit.

"Frodo!" Cried Sam.

Sam, George and Emily ran towards the entrance of Sammath Naur. The three enter as the ground shook beneath them.

"Frodo!" Cried Sam again.

"I'm here Sam…" Replied Frodo.

The three at the entrance could finally see Frodo through the mist of smoke. He stood at the very end of the rock ledge. The Ring held out in front of him.

"Destroy it!!!" Shouted Sam in desperation.

Frodo continued to stare at The Ring.

"Maybe we should push him in?" Suggested Emily.

Sam shot her a glare and began to slowly approach his friend.

"We can't!" Informed George.

"Why not? It would get rid of that ring!"

"He's a main character. We can't kill him off."

"But the title of chapter suggests we do jenk a main character!" Argued Emily.

"You already have!" Replied George.

"Huh? Who?"

"I saw you slip that liquid into Aragorn's flask!"

"I did?" Cried Emily.

"Don't tell me. The brain has rebelled again!" George shook his head in amusement.

"Aragorn's dead?!" Cried Emily in sudden realization.

"If not already. Soon!" Answered George.

"So now what do we do?" Asked Emily.

"Watch the show then as good old dad used to say; Sod off!"

….

The forces of Sauron fled as the Great Eye contracted and exploded. The warriors of Middle-earth looked on at the destruction of Sauron and his lands. The rejoicing rose above the noise of the falling tower of Barad-dur.

"Frodo!" Shouted Merry.

Mount Doom suddenly blew its top sending volcanic debris everywhere. The rejoicing stopped. Frodo, Sam, George and Emily were all in there.

The red and orange of the Lava lit up the sky, but was followed by a beam of blue light.

"What is that?!" Cried Gimli.

Legolas looked down sadly; "It's a portal to another world."

"They've gone." Stated Gandalf.

….

The eagles had brought Frodo and Sam back safely. Frodo had remained asleep since his return, Gandalf was watching over him. Emily and George were nowhere to be found.

Gimli sat with Merry and Pippin telling them of the great food of the dwarfs.

Boromir and Haldir sat in silence in each others embrace.

Aragorn laid in bed feeling strangely queasy.

Sam joined Gandalf in watching over Frodo.

Legolas stood alone by the white tree of Gondor watching the night sky.

A/N: George: There is one more chapter left to tie up all the loose ends. I feel strangely deflated. I feel an overwhelming need to break down and cry!

Thank yous:

Pretendingtobesane: Genius plans have all the makings of being genius!

Shadowz: Em and I have seen Shawn of the Dead and I have to agree it was uber immense! Have you seen the program Spaced? The same comedy genius as Shawn of the Dead.

Tidus'luvr99: Em has been bouncing around all week because of ROTK! Em what movie do you think Orlando is hottest in? 'lets Em out of her room' Emily: I am devout Legolas lover! Yummy Yummy elf! Although, boxing Orli in The Calcium Kid is uber yummy! I got a Calcium Kid poster today! 'George locks her back in her room' George: There is your answer.


	29. The End of All Things

A/N: Emily: It's the last chapter. 'holds in a sob'

George: Hey don't worry we get paid after this one!

Emily: Urm…no we don't.

George: What do you mean no we don't?! You said and I quote; "George wouldn't it be a great idea to write a comedy fan fiction?' To which I said 'Not really.' To which you added 'We'll get paid for it.'

Emily: Tiny lil' lie to get you to help. George? George?! Where are you going?

Disclaimer: Everything will be sterilized after this chapter and put back in its box. No money is being made out of this despite what George thinks.

**Chapter Twenty-Eight – The End of all Things.**

"How long before Frodo wakes up do ya think?" Asked Pippin.

"Gandalf said that it wouldn't be long." Answered Merry. The Hobbit looked over at his friend who was staring out over the fields of Pelenor. "Everything will be all right Pip."

"I don't know Merry. I just can't help thinking everything was a lot brighter when those two were around. Gandalf lets out all his grumbling on me, Aragorn seems to be getting worse…"

"Maybe he is missing them...?" Interjected Merry with a grin.

"Maybe? Worse of all, Legolas hasn't been seen for days. Maybe I should have let him go after Emily. He would have got the chance to say goodbye." A small tear fell down the hobbit's face.

"Come here Pip. It's not your fault, I'm sure Legolas will be fine." Merry comforted, hoping to sound more confident than he felt.

….

"I think it's ready!" Called George back to Emily who was perched precariously on a rock.

"Are you sure?!" Cried Emily seemingly unconvinced.

"Look if we wait for you to think it is ready we will be stuck on this mountain for centuries!"

"How do you know it's ready?"

"Because I'm standing on it!" Yelled George impatiently.

"You could be on a hard patch. Take one step and get sucked into it!"

"We have waited for this lava to solidify for a week now! I don't care if it is not ready! I will not wait here any longer with your incredulous ideas of warding off boredom!"

"I thought the 'name that rock' game was rather amusing!"

"There is only so many times you can name a rock Rocky before it becomes seriously obtuse!"

"Yeah well, it worked for Sylvester Stalone!" Cried Emily in defense.

"If you don't get off that rock this instance I will go to Gondor on my own and have to inform Legolas that I killed you with my bare hands!"

"Fine! I'm moving but if I get sticky, messy lava on my shoes I will sit exactly where I am until you get my Prince on a white horse to come and rescue me!"

"Never would have got this trouble with Arwen!" Mumbled George.

"I heard that!" Yelled Emily gaining on her brother.

….

"What's that?" Asked Merry pointing to two black specs on the horizon.

"I'm not sure. Maybe we should tell someone?" Offered Pippin.

"Tell someone what?" Came a tired voice.

"Legolas!" Cried the two Hobbits. "Where have you been?"

"Oh nowhere." Sighed the elf. "What is it that you should be telling someone?" Legolas hoped to detract attention away from his absence.

"Oh! We saw something approaching. We did not know what it was." Answered Merry.

Legolas walked forward and peered out over the fields.

"It cannot be…" He whispered before running off in the opposite direction.

Merry looked at Pippin and Pippin looked at Merry.

"What now..?" Inquired Pippin.

"Maybe we should get Aragorn." Suggested Merry. Pippin nodded his agreement and followed his friend to Aragorn's chambers.

….

"Come in." Groaned Aragorn.

"Um Aragorn, we just thought we should let you know that something is approaching Minas Tirith and Legolas has gone running off." Whispered Merry.

"What is it that is approaching?" Moaned Aragorn in pain.

"We don't know. However, I think Legolas does." Answered Pippin.

"Please tell me it isn't..!" Gasped Aragorn.

"Are you all right Aragorn? You look deathly pale." Sniffed Pippin nervously.

Aragorn began to writhe about in pain, twisting and thrashing as if fighting the bed linen.

"I don't think frosted eyes and green skin is a sign of recovery!" Whimpered Merry pulling Pippin out of the room and turning the key in the lock.

….

"Gandalf we have a problem!" Cried Merry.

Gimli, Sam and Gandalf all sat around a small table in one of the welcoming halls when Merry and Pippin approached them.

"Well what is it?" Ordered Gandalf.

"Legolas has gone running off after a black speck and Aragorn is kind of dead!" Said Pippin in one breath.

"What do you mean kind of dead?!"

"Well it seems that he has decided to turn into a Zombie." Whimpered Merry.

"…" Exclaimed Gandalf.

"…" Cried Gimli.

"…" Yelped Sam.

"That's what we said!" Informed Pippin.

"How many black specs were there?" Babbled Gandalf regaining his voice.

"Two." Answered the Hobbits.

"It would seem that they have returned!" Concluded Gandalf shaking his head in dismay.

….

"Is that a horse or a really low cloud?" Asked George watching the white blur approach. "You know I really should invest in some glasses."

"Legolas!" Cried Emily.

"I know Legolas could lose a few pounds but that things way to wide to be him!" Laughed George.

Thump

"You didn't have to hit me!" Groaned George as he watched Emily run towards the white object, which now had split into two.

"Emily!" Called Legolas as he dismounted Arod and ran the rest of the distance.

(A/N: George: Should we do this in slow motion? Emily: Why not add some cheesy music like urm… George: Ghostbusters! Emily: No you idiot! George: Well you did say cheesy. Emily: What about Hero by Enrique?)

_I can be your Hero baby…_

Legolas pulled Emily into his arms.

_I can kiss away the pain…_

Their lips met in a passionate kiss

(A/N: George; this is wrong!)

_I will stand by you forever…_

"I thought you left." Cried Legolas.

_You can take my breath away. _

(George takes out a shotgun and caps Enrique's arse.)

"I would never leave you!" Sobbed Emily into Legolas' hair.

"I saw the portal, what happened?!"

"Long story really…" Began Emily.

Time Warp

"This place is going to come down any minute!" Shouted George.

"Shouldn't we wait for Frodo and Sam?!" Cried Emily back.

"If we were brave and fearless then yes."

"I take it we are fleeing for our lives then."

"Yep!"

George and Emily run swiftly out of the mountain and began to descend it at great speed.

"I'm going to fall if you don't slow down!" Yelped Emily as George pulled her along.

"No you…" Before George could finish the sentence Emily tripped on a rock sending her flying into George.

The pair cascaded down the mountain in a pile of swear words and cries of pain.

"If God does not smite you down for that I will do it myself!" Groaned George as he pulled himself up on all fours and looked around for Emily. "Em? Em?! Where are you?!"

George heard a string of curses emanating from the protruding rock below the ledge he was on.

"I told you I would fall if you didn't slow down!" Barked Emily as George's face appeared from over the ledge.

"No time for me to pass the blame onto you, the heat behind me tells me that there is lava approaching!"

George leaped down to Emily and dragged her to her feet.

"Where are we going?" Demanded Emily.

"We are seeking refuge in that crevasse there!" George pointed to a small ravine that sunk into the mountain.

"Did I ever tell you how I got out of the caves of Helm's Deep? You have got to be kidding if you think I am going back into somewhere as dank as that!"

"If you stay here and melt, Legolas will die of a broken heart, then so will Gimli and by a bizarre series of events each of the Fellowship will die and that includes Haldir! If you want to be responsible for all their deaths then fine but I am not letting you kill me off!" George picked up Emily and threw her over his shoulder.

"This is most unbecoming!" Whined Emily.

….

"How long do we have to stay in here?!" Whined Emily.

"We've only been in here for one minute!" Snapped George.

"grumble"

"This would have never of happened if those bloody cheesestrings were put back in the right place." Moaned George.

"I suppose you're going to blame me for that!"

"Damn it! I wish I was a celebrity!"

"Why?"

"Coz then I could scream; Get me out of here!" With that a blue light shone down from the heavens and settled at the opening of the ravine.

"Cool!" Remarked Emily.

"I'm guessing that this is the way home." Said George as he dipped his finger in the cream of the strawberry trifle that came with the blue light.

"Are we meant to leave now?" Asked Emily sadly.

"Technically yes as it is the end of the story." Sighed George.

"What would happen if we didn't leave?"

"No idea." George got up and motioned Emily to follow. They walked out onto a path of raised rock that held them high above the oozing lava.

"Urm George?"

"Yes Emily."

"I think I just found out what would happen if we didn't go back."

George looked round and found himself staring face to face with the strawberry trifle that had followed them across the path. George and Emily backed away but still the trifle followed.

"What do we do?" Whispered George.

"I'll just check in my 'How to escape a floating trifle' handbook." Emily shot George a look.

"Just asking!"

"Well if I was a evil trifle what would I be scared of?" Mused Emily.

"What any food product would be scared of!" Declared George.

"What's that?"

"Being eaten of course!" Cried George pulling a spoon out from Emily's bag.

The trifle began to edge away.

"Oh no you don't! You are mine you yummy dessert!" George pounced on the trifle. "This really is rather good. Come and try some Emily."

"Yum!!!!! I would love to smear this on Leg…"

"Stop that line of thought NOW!" Cried George in alarm.

Emily sniggered. "Gandalf will never let us bring this trifle on the eagles."

"Your right. Maybe we should hide when he comes."

Emily smirked; "How long does it take for lava to solidify?"

George shrugged. The two sat back down and began to make their way through the layers of cream, jelly, sponge and fruit.

….

"A floating trifle?!" Asked an dubious Legolas.

"Well it was that or our Mother demanding we come home. Either way it was a lot more interesting than 'Nope really rather prefer it here.'"

….

"I see you have returned then." Laughed Boromir pulling Emily and George into a tight hold.

"Quick Biology lesson Boz. Humans need to breathe." Gasped George.

"Sorry." Chuckled Boromir.

"Laddie! Lass! It is good to see you!" Cried Gimli.

Everyone except Aragorn had come to welcome Emily and George back. Even Gandalf couldn't help back grin at the return of the two.

"I really must be getting back to Frodo. I feel that he is about to awake!" Gandalf turned to leave and soon after everyone else had started to follow.

….

"Gandalf?!" Asked a disbelieving Frodo.

Gandalf smiled kindly down and soon both erupted into laughter.

"They're high." Announced George to everyone gathered outside the door. "So where's Legolas then?" He asked as Merry and Pippin ran in to greet Frodo.

"He just went to change."

Next in was Gimli as Legolas arrived outside the room dressed beautifully in a silvery blue tunic. Emily turned around to look at the elf.

"……………………………." Gasped Emily and then proceeded to faint.

"Again without the warning!" Sighed George as he, Legolas and Emily in the elf's arms entered the room. Frodo chuckled at the sight and smiled warmly at Legolas.

Legolas and co were followed by a euphoric Boromir and Haldir and then finally Sam with a knowing smile on his lips.

Frodo looked around and frowned; "Where is Aragorn?"

Emily gulped in her sleep.

"Boromir, if you would do the honors." Gandalf motioned to the doorway.

Boromir left the room for a minute. When he returned it was not alone.

"Frodo meet Aragorn the Zombie, Aragorn the Zombie meet Frodo." Introduced Gandalf.

"Fllmphhmmm!" Grunted Aragorn the Zombie.

"…" Whimpered Frodo.

"Do not worry he is quite harmless as long as you keep hold of his chain." Smiled Gandalf.

"Mmmm…trifle…yum…Legol…" Legolas shook Emily awake quickly before she could continue her mumblings.

"Oh! Hello Frodo! You look well. In fact too well. Maybe you should get out of bed! That's a good idea, everyone should go outside." Emily ushered everyone out of the room. "I have a new plan, everyone goes out and Legolas and I will guard the bed!" Before anyone could say anything Emily had barricaded herself and Legolas into the bedroom.

"Emily! You get out of there this instant! Legolas if you go near her I will… Aaahgh! Did you know it is possible for the male penis to snap during sex! Think about that Legolas!" Cried George in desperation before running off after Boromir, Haldir and Gandalf.

"Shoot me now." Cringed George.

"I have some news for you George." Began Gandalf. "Aragorn the Zombie is not a highly suitable choice for King of Gondor. Seeing as Boromir is first Steward of Gondor it seemed appropriate that he choose the King."

"Hey! At least you won't sing at your coronation!" Laughed George. "You won't will you?" Asked George becoming suddenly worried.

"I am not having a coronation. I am returning to Lothlorien with Haldir. I have chosen you George. It shall be your coronation my friend." Stated Boromir with conviction.

"I swore I would never do this but…" George fainted.

….

"Now come the days of the King. May they be blessed." Announced Gandalf.

The wizard stepped out of the way revealing George fiddling with the crown on his head.

"Yo my minions!" Began George.

Emily stood in the crowd gushing proudly, every so often she would nudge Faramir in the ribs and say; "That's my brother!" Occasionally followed by; "You're very cute!"

"I have decided after much protesting that I should sing you a song. I have thought very hard about what I should sing but drew a blank. Then it came to me late last night."

George took in a deep breath. (To the tune of 'All the small things' by Blink 182)

"All the George things,

Rock hair, booze binge,

I'll take you down,

With my mean frown.

Always, I know,

Buffy let's go!

Tanked up, with Gin, regurgitating.

Say it ain't so, the last Red Dwarf show!

I've come to an end, need Nurofen.

Na, na, na, na, na, na…"

With that George descended from the platform towards his sister.

"Right I am giving you full warning. Are you listening to me?!" Yelled George.

Emily quit staring at Faramir and turned to her brother, "I'm all ears."

"Now do you remember what happens next?"

"We bow to the Hobbits." Stated Emily.

"Good try but no. A certain elf comes along in a change of clothes."

Emily began to drool.

"Now I want you to promise that you won't swoon and collapse." Finished George.

Emily nodded.

"Good. Right now where is that elf."

On cue Legolas flanked by lots of yummy elves appeared complete with crown. A small smile graced his face causing Emily to hold onto Faramir for support.

"The crown is very befitting on you friend." Smiled Legolas.

"Likewise." Replied George.

"Wow." Gulped Emily. "Film does you no justice."

Legolas kneeled down before Emily and held out his hand to an elf behind him. The elf placed a small box into Legolas' hand.

"Emily, remember when we were on our way to Isengard after the battle of Helm's Deep?"

Emily could only nod.

"I promised you something."

Emily nodded again.

"Will do me the honor of becoming Princess of Mirkwood and my beloved wife?" Legolas looked hopefully at Emily.

Emily opened her mouth to speak…

….

A/N: Emily: The end!!!!!! Only kidding there will be an Epilogue!

It's been a while since we have asked for reviews because you guys have been wicked but now we really want to push our number of reviews up before we depart from fandom.

George is off sulking I might have to bribe him to come back for the Epilogue. I could just blackmail him…there was this one time when he was three…

Thank you to all our superlative reviewers:

Rainbow Dreamer – Glad you are back. I have an idea! STOP REVISING!

LeaRobins Leana Scarlette – Legolas got his hug!

Pretendingtobesane – I would never have you live a lie!

Shadowz – You and your Crows! Or should I say Lauri's Crows?! I'm sorry I didn't get the "It's all Sticky…" line in!

Limpet666 – Two reviews! Woo Hoo! Yes Orli does get he's kit off in Troy! Yum Yum I'm seeing it for the fifth time tomorrow! Oh and Faramir makes his appearance in this chapter. If I had known for your love sooner I would have squeezed him in a bit more! Though Legolas and Faramir might not be too much to handle at once..?!


	30. Epilogue with new AN

Epilogue 

Enter Narrator (who just happens to be George Bush)

"Ah my fellow readers this wonderful tale has come to an end. It is sad that it has…"

"Urm excuse me, what are you doing here?" Asked a confused Emily.

"Well I am narrating the Epilogue." Grinned the President.

"Why?"

"Well it said in the advert you wanted someone important to narrate the epilogue."

"Wow! You can read!" Laughed Emily. "Well I am afraid we have found someone else, go away."

"Whines"

"Fine then, my team of 'Fear of a Fruit Bat' members shall have to dispose of you"

Enter George, Lauren and Becca armed with Turnips and flyswats.

A bloodbath ensues.

"Well now that's done." Sighed George. "Please welcome our narrator, the wonderful Orlando Bloom."

"Hey man! Right well, on with the Epilogue…

Emily's ultimate two dreams were fulfilled. She became Princess of Mirkwood much to Thranduil's dismay. However, he soon warned up to her when she introduced him to the wonders of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Her second dream was implemented on a visit to Rivendell where she wrote 'Your Ad Here' on Elrond's forehead. She also was reacquainted with Elladan and Elrohir but that's another story… 

George went on to rule in Gondor until his eightieth birthday where he handed the crown over to his pet monkey Lincoln McCraken the third (The first and second died in a mysterious shrimping accident off the coast of Valinor). George returned on one final trip to Earth only to discover that earth no longer existed. Apparently, the strawberry trifle had not been completely eaten and in it's maladjusted and slightly off state believed the world consisted of yogurt (a rival pudding) and set off on a quest to destroy it all. It succeeded. What it didn't realize is that the earth is really made of      Hobnobs, which it destroyed in turn. However, the dairy product that is the moon launched a massive counter attack that still rages to this very day."

"Orli stop digressing." Snapped George.

"Sorry. Where was I?..

George also discovered that his body was rejuvenated back to what it was when he left Earth in the first place, resulting in a discovery of immortality and his long lost sex drive. He immediately returned to Middle-earth bearing the good news to Emily who immediately returned to Earth and arrived back in Mirkwood where Legolas and her disappeared for a weeks.

Gimli discovered he had a talent for juggling axes and now is an entertainer for the children of Middle-earth.

Boromir and Haldir married in Lothlorien and introduce the elves to the wonders of Saturday Night Fever.

Lord Elrond got his dream when George agreed to call him Dad, on the proviso that he say 'Mr. Anderson.'

It turns out Aragorn the Zombie's only use was to collect mushrooms for Frodo but Arwen still loved him so all was still sweet for them.

Merry and Pippin started their own hash bar, which was extremely popular with the drifters of Middle-earth.

Sam as we all know married Rosie, what we didn't know was that he also married Daisy, Lily, Pansy… Turns out he had a penchant for flowers.

Gandalf was banned from Mirkwood by the Princess; 'he had scary eyes' she quoted. Funnily enough everyone agreed and Gandalf soon found himself banned from everywhere and had to flee to Valinor for company.

And here ends the tale we have all come to love I hope you have enjoyed this master piece which in about one hundred and fifty pages has destroy a magnum opus."

 A/N: Emily and George: Thank you so much to every single person who has ever reviewed this…Keep em' coming!

Thank yous…

Pretendingtobesane – Emily the Princess – hard to imagine!

Limpet666 – Yay for Absinth! Remember to have your daily intake of calcium goodness.

LeaRobins Leana Scarlette – Yummy Prince Legolas is my hubby!

Voyd – Another story?! Well we have been thinking… Maybe the adventures of Emily and George!

Shadowz – We got the 'Mr. Anderson' in! Yay! I know last ever chappie – I'll hug you tomorrow after the Math exam.

Ayiicaalimé – Ned Kelly eh? I like your style!

Tidus'Luvr99 – All things must end. Oh great Emily is crying now! Oh well! I hope you have been to the toilet by now!

Random-Shiny  - I love all things random and all things shiny so that must mean I uber love you! Especially since you finally reviewed!

Lil'Smartass – Always nay saying! You and your smegging comas! Here you are ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, a load of fricking comas for ya!

Hyperactive-frogchild – Hope the ending was good enough for you! Love the name!

A:N Emily: Hey new author note just to say thank you to all the reviews for the Epilogue! Oh and we got our first flame! Yay! As I said Legolas would be made hot and sweaty with these! I have the image of sweaty Orli in Troy now! Yum. So to Marpessa; as for FILTH as you call it, this fic is rated R, but I guess you would have to be able to read to notice that, as you obviously can't because then you would know that I have read the books from the Prologue. Hope you have a nice life degrading people's work with your rather unconstructive criticism!


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